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Trust?

Old 04-23-2013, 05:48 PM
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Trust?

This is one thing to examine more closely. During my life I've been betrayed too many times. Once I borrowed my car and next morning woke up hearing it was used for an armed robbery, yes. But betrayal of financial value is a lot less than something of a mental cost.

Maybe it is due to drinking, or that I have simply been paranoid and unobsevant in the past, but my dislike at people has been building up. It is only that I begin to understand how other people's motives really are, the people surrounding me. And I have seen something I wish I didn't have. For instance there are a few (cowards) in my life that would like me to lose my sobriety. This is just my observation and propably does not apply to anyone reading this. But for some reason, I have been too nice and kind all my life, therefore also giving the forbidden advantage to these people.


Succumbing to hatred is not the choice I want to take, but sometimes the actual reality really makes me angry, desiring to do something evil.

Just some vent. Thanks.
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Old 04-23-2013, 06:14 PM
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Maybe surround yourself with people that are trustworthy and sincere in their approach to life. I would not want to have " Friends" that would steal my car. "Friends" that would want to see me fail in sobriety. These people do not need to take up anymore head space. It is perfectly fine to be angry. What you do with that anger is another story.
I wish you well. I hope that you feel better soon. Life actually is beautiful.
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by UnixBer View Post
for some reason, I have been too nice and kind all my life, therefore also giving the forbidden advantage to these people.

Succumbing to hatred is not the choice I want to take, but sometimes the actual reality really makes me angry, desiring to do something evil.
I have come to understand that trust involves expectations. It's about my an expectations of how another person will behave in the future. I might have a "good" reason for that expectation, and it may be a "reasonable", but it is nevertheless an expectation, and that expectation has been generated by me.

When expectations have been violated I find it necessary to look quite closely at how my expectations were constructed. Sometimes my expectations for someone were somewhat unrealistic. Sometimes not. In both cases however, some sort of change in my behavior is warented. Sometimes that might be to put distance between myself and the person violating my "reasonable" expectations so as to avoid more of the same in the future. Sometimes it could be as simple as not extending the same amount of trust to that individual. Sometimes things even resolve themselves if I find out more details about the circomstances.

Regardless of the case, neither I nor the world will be a better off if I seek to even the score. The only thing that will be better as a result of my retaliation will be how I feel, ...temporarily, but I'm done living life with "feeling good" as the central driving principle.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:23 PM
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I think it is okay to get mad and tell people your mad.
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:16 AM
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I understand where you're coming from UnixBer. I remember getting sober and being surrounded by people who thought I was more amusing drunk and feeling really angry about certain expectations other people had of me. I realised that a lot of my life was just about doing things for other people. I thought I was being nice and useful, turned out I was just a pushover. It is a difficult balance to strike. I didn't want to be mean but neither do I want one sided relationships. I just try to concentrate on what I need to do for myself and the rest of it falls in to place. You'll soon find out who are the people you want to keep in your life x
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:27 AM
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Finding these kinds of wise words anywhere is truly surprising. You amaze me people. It is proof that there are others like us.

I just wanted to add something here. First of all, I've always been a bit naive, but in a positive way and it has also paid back. I've always had the desire to be able to trust a total stranger.. In my opinion also being angry is natural and sometimes has to be felt. It can be healthy that way too..

About this thing about trusting strangers, I've also had luck with. Maybe it is intuition or something like that. But I also know for sure that I can't hide from everyone in my life all the time, and I wish to communicate with people. I just had a bad bout of negative response somewhere in the past.

It's very nice to remember the positive in life sometimes too.
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:21 AM
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UnixBer ... it's like you were looking into my head. One of the main reasons why I drank/used is to shut down my anger toward people. My mind, for whatever reason, keeps playing back old conversations and situations over and over. The time I was beat up, The time the contractor ripped me off, the time my "friends" left without me. etc. etc. It just keeps repeating in my mind even though in many cases these things happened a long time ago. I'm working on new ways to deal with these thoughts and all of the associated anger. I also think it's OK to get angry ... for me though, it doesn't make sense to get angry over something that happened 40 years ago.
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:34 AM
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"Succumbing to hatred is not the choice I want to take."
there isnt any hatred in saying "NO!"
there is accountability on your part,though.
" Once I borrowed my car and next morning woke up hearing it was used for an armed robbery..."
it wouldnt have happend iffen ya said ,"NO!"


"It is only that I begin to understand how other people's motives really are, the people surrounding me"

the motives are on you. why do you let peple use you?

i had to see that the only way people used me was by me letting it happen.
i had to stop being a people pleaser. im not here to please others. if people dont like me sayin no, then its their problem, not mine.


trust is a 2 way street. its not just that others have to earn my trust...i have to earn theirs.
a lot changed when i stopped hangin around the people i was hangin with. i can still throw out trust too quick, but if i want to have serenity, i gotta accept accountbility for it happening and learn from it.
i dont expect people to trust me when they 1st meet me either. when it comes to poeple fresh in recovery, i even tell them not to just trust me. i , like them, have to earn it; earn it through action.
its all about my motives.
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:38 AM
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""the motives are on you. why do you let peple use you?""



touché ... I think that I needed to see that. LOL

I ask myself that question everyday.
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