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This scared me...

Old 04-23-2013, 01:46 PM
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This scared me...

I once again decided to stop drinking over the past weekend. I admit that I've been struggling for quite some time now, on and off sobriety. But this weekend something happened (twice) that really scared me. I woke up Saturday morning and I do have blackouts a lot but I remember in the midst of a drunken stupor contemplating the idea of seeing how many vicodin I could mix with the alcohol and die or not die because usually vicodin makes me sick if I don't take them with care. Basically I was on the verge of suicide or accidental suicide when I'm not a suicidal person! I would never (sober) commit suicide! It scares me... would never consider it (sober). Well one night wasn't enough of a scare because I'm stupid... I drank again. Only this time I discovered that I was posting stuff all over Facebook about how life sucks and it's not worth living and on and on and on. So after I went through and quickly deleted every one of those posts hoping nobody in my family would see them I decided that I can't f* around anymore. I finally realize this IS a progressive disease and the stories I've heard about people killing themselves when they were drunk weren't stories and they may not have been suicidal before going on a binge. I remember a conversation I had with my husband (he's been sober for 30 years almost) and he said to me you have to be so SCARED to take a drink. So scared of where it may lead you... maybe not this time, but maybe next time. You have to see it that way. I think I'm getting it finally.

Well I'm here for support and gonna make it a habit to be here among other things. I'm not going to lose my life to a bottle of scotch.

Thanks everyone for listening.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:51 PM
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Remember these events... Remember how you feel right now... in time that feeling will fade and you'll be tempted again. . . When that time comes I suggest you revisit this post.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:56 PM
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Thanks for sharing. For me, fear wears off soon; some mental band-aid goes over the consequences after a short time. I've been in and out of alcohol, and managed to get 3 months clean again. I'm not sure what I'm hanging on to, or why, but I do like knowing what's going on. Good luck, Laura.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:03 PM
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Keep this post. Print it out and keep it around to look at.
Thank God I didn't wind up dead with some of the insane things I did. Crashing cars and stuff - and still I didn't stop.
Count this as a huge warning.
I'll just suggest getting help - whatever that might mean. I'm in therapy for addiction and I've gone to AA.
Do whatever it takes. That's my motto.
Like sober1ck says - fear only lasts so long.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:24 PM
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Hi Laura,

I had a few scares too before I finally stopped drinking. I hope this is your bottom and that you are ready to make the changes to your life that you need to make.
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:28 PM
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I also think it takes more than fear to remain on the journey of sobriety. My personal experience: I nearly burned down my landlord's house in January last year and the only reason I didn't die along with causing a block inferno was that he, by chance, had to come home in the middle of his fireman shift to pick some stuff (grateful he was a fireman). He found me blacked out (after 4 bottles of red wine) on the couch, the cooker was on fire, the kitchen and living room full of smoke, the fire alarm was faulty for some reason.

Anyway after 6 months sober I started drinking again and just told myself, I have taken the necessary preacautions to protect myself and others....the alcoholic/drug mind is crazy.

I think sobriety is a complete mind and lifestyle change....one day at a time...
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Dib42 View Post
Remember these events... Remember how you feel right now... in time that feeling will fade and you'll be tempted again. . . When that time comes I suggest you revisit this post.
I totally agree! I was really kinda freaked out and the fact that I don't even remember the Facebook posts or a couple of emails I sent. It's getting worse. I have often thought (while drinking) that hey, I'm not hurting anyone and I'm not driving and I'm just home hanging out having a few drinks every night, that how could that be so bad? Sheesh. This was an eye-opener.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:07 PM
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Hi Laura. I'm happy you've had these moments of clarity. I agree with the others - make sure these feelings stay with you and never forget where you've been. Time does tend to dull our memories, and we forget how truly terrifying our behavior was.

I agree with your husband, too. We need to be very, very afraid of where that first drink might take us. I drank all my life, and in the end - every time I picked up it led me into an unpredictable situation. I did out-of-character things that I'd never have dreamed of when sober. I had to let it go. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to admit I could never touch it again. Glad you're sounding so positive and motivated.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:34 PM
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Sad to say I had a lot of suicidal thoughts when I was drinking. Sometimes I had disturbing visions while drinking or the next morning of me harming myself.

It is still tough for me to come to terms with it all today. I came clean and told some people... That helped.

It is like a whole other person existed inside me I never knew about till it was too late. Then every time I got drunk there he was again.

It is getting better though. I have not had many of those scary evil thoughts since getting sober.

I like what your husband said and that is really how I feel. I am deathly afraid of drinking again. I have been offered a drink a couple times since getting sober and I felt like I could jump back and run away.

Alcohol really took me thru some emotional nightmares.

I never want to feel that way again.

Luckily I am much much happier now that I cleaned up.

All the best
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:20 PM
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I typically drink alone so I never had people telling me the next day about all the crazy stuff I did and said the night before. But then Facebook came along and started filling that role. Waking up and seeing the timeline of my public self-humiliation was just awful.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by InNeedOfGrace View Post
I typically drink alone so I never had people telling me the next day about all the crazy stuff I did and said the night before. But then Facebook came along and started filling that role. Waking up and seeing the timeline of my public self-humiliation was just awful.
I never had a facebook page... I'm thankful for that. One time while on the verge of blackout, I created a myspace profile and tried to track down an old friend. It was difficult to sign up for, and the message I sent him was so cryptic I'm sure he thought it was spam.

I also made phonecalls to people with the same name in various cities.

Wrong Number: "Hello?"

Me: "Sorry furrr callem at three:firty in the A.M. time *stupid drunk laugh* but doez a john doe from st. paul live here. I might be a friend of hiz"

WN: "I don't know who the **** this is, but never call here again."

yeah, seemed totally reasonable and important that evening, but the next day I realized that my old drinking buddy/co-worker from 4 years ago probably wouldn't have been nearly as excited to talk me, as I thought he would be.... Never finding his name in long distance phone books was probably a blessing in disquise.... Truth of the matter, I never really cared for the guy...

But anyway, even when I tried to drink alone to avoid public humiliation, I'd find a way to humiliate myself.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:35 PM
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Glasscat, your life is worth much more than a bottle of scotch. 1013 days sober and things are some much better. It has taken this much to genuinely feel better on a regular basis but sobriety works, it's better. You can do it. Rootin for ya.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:21 PM
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Take these events as a huge warning. We only get a warning so many times before something bad happens. Your life is worth so much more than drinking. Your husband said you need to fear what will happen if you pick up and he is right.. well fear of where those thoughts will take you when you are drink is def. a reason to fear what will happen when you take that next drink. Please don't sweep this under the rug and shake it off as nothing. We are not ourselves when we are under the influence and our actions are extremely unpredictable.

I found keeping a vivid journal of my experiences helped me not smooth over what happened when I was using. Perhaps it would be a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor.
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