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Messed up Once Again...

Old 04-22-2013, 07:29 PM
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Messed up Once Again...

I'm not sure where to begin..

I did my THIRD friggin Detox in January after the Holidays... I did AA meetings which I hate because they call on you to speak and I have anxieties about public speaking and the chair person always somehow calls on me to speak so I quit going. I have a sponsor who yells at me for not calling him everyday so I get guilty and don't want to here him discipline me so I don't call him anymore....

I don't believe in Religion at all and AA is totally religious... even though they claim they are not. 95% of the people talk about God visions and how God got them through.

Anyway.. I'm back to square one drinking again and try to go a day sober but by night I am shaking and have to sneak shots behind my family.

I worked out today at the gym and you would never know that I am so fked up inside by looking at me... but inside I am a total wreck. I am not doing a fourth detox.. my insurance won't cover it.

Oh well. Just venting. It's a living hell.... a virtual living hell.
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Old 04-22-2013, 08:38 PM
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I'm sorry to hear your struggles Rugby, I can tell you that it is possible with a belief in yourself. No way is easy but that's why it's worth it, Sobriety and it's benefits can tell you that in itself. The strongest discipline is that which we can apply by our own doing, Knowing that it is a good one and wholesome for us and everyone around makes it an even more worthwhile endeavor. Let me encourage you with a quote which helped early on in my beginning days of recovery. "Be the change you wish to see in the world"
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Old 04-22-2013, 09:40 PM
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Come over and check out the Secular Connections here. You might find some other programs or even a combination of one and the twelve steps as well. I entered NA an agnostic and survived lol
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Old 04-22-2013, 09:49 PM
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If you just put the God idea to the side.

Are you willing to do anything necessary to get and stay sober? I find it strange that you are living in a virtual hell after 3 detoxes but you still want to pick and choose. I finally got to a point I would believe anything if I thought it might keep me sober. Thats just me.

I have a few issues with AA myself but I do not believe I would have made it so far without. AA filled a lot of my time those first couple months, kept me around sober examples, and filled my life with many tools I can use in sobriety.

Now I am so busy living life I do not attend AA much. I still get to a meeting or 2 a week. I mostly log in here and read, and use some ideas from Rational Recovery/AVRT.

Anyway it works for me. AA is my foundation.

Hope you find your way
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Old 04-22-2013, 09:55 PM
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Do you want to quit Rugby? I found that until I truly wanted it nothing stopped me from finding excuses to keep drinking.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:31 AM
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I hope you can find a way that works for you.

After years of struggling something clicked for me. I don,t go to AA but i find the higher power useful, but to me this is not a religious God
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Old 04-23-2013, 04:30 AM
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Take a look at our secular forum. No religion there, just like-minded people.

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by shockozulu View Post
I entered NA an agnostic and survived lol
I'm an atheist member of AA and have survived as well.

Wharever healthy means to recover from addiction you choose, remember the 3P's:
  • Patience
  • Practice
  • Persistance
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:34 PM
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Found AVRT and started reading... and reading.... and reading.

haven't had a drink since last Monday. Went through the weekend and this so far this week without the shakes..

I think this AVRT thing fits me much better than AA as I am totally a non-believer.

Thank you for your suggestions..
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:32 PM
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24 Days sober... Getting easier day by day.

Keeping that beast quiet and remembering how bad I felt when I first posted this thread.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:37 PM
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I'm so happy you found something that clicked with you Rugby!

The first time I read into AVRT everything seemed a lot simpler and I wished I had read it sooner. Sometimes we have to find something that gets us going beyond the normal first go tos out there.

Keep up the great work!
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:05 PM
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Well done Rubgy- it gets easier. Hard to believe but it is true.
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:06 PM
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Congrats Rugby. I'm agnostic and use AA and SR to help me. But I also don't think AA is a "one size fits" all method of recovery. Whatever helps to keep you sober is the right method for you so keep doing what you're doing.
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:18 PM
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Congrats Rugby,

I am religious, but still prefer AVRT to AA.
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:31 PM
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Congrats on your progress rugby

D
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:35 PM
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Hi Rugby8, I can understand how you feel, but don't give up. I can no longer count the detoxs I've been to. After bening in and out for years thought many time not to bother. The thing that helps me is to not devalue whatever time I have put together. I understand that I have practiced to stay sober for 30 something years. However, I had to practice drinking for years. The only chance I have is to keep working at it. Otherwise it is like not buying a ticket, and wanting to win lottery
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:39 PM
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Being called on in a meeting vs the virtual hell you describe living in this moment sounds less painful to me. I remember that hell and I feel for you...it can change. You were blessed (or born with) a mind that is capable of making sound decisions. If you choose, you don't have to live this way anymore.

Sorry just saw your response. Great job on 24 days!!!

Last edited by quitforme79; 05-16-2013 at 07:40 PM. Reason: add update
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:44 PM
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The fellowship of AA helped me get sober and realize I wasn't alone. That was a huge help. I'm not a hard core AA member but I did the steps with my sponsor and attend a couple of favorite meetings when I can. The program has helped me some, but what was more valuable was hearing the experiences of others that I could relate to.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:33 PM
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My sponsor would call me just "a dry drunk" and tell me that I need to go to meetings and call him everyday and he would get all pissy and give me lectures when I didn't... I do have a family and I coach my son's sports and lead a very busy life. I don't think he understood that.

But doing AVRT has opened up (along with this site) a better way for me to stay sober. I'm thankful everyday that I don't drink and relish in how good I feel and the way I am getting healthy. The guilt of not being a "good" AA member was what drove me away and I think I started drinking again because I felt like a hopeless failure in AAs eyes... I just didn't fit in there. And the people there were sometimes nasty, petty and mean believe it or not. I felt like a total hypocrite because I don't believe in God and I never believed in any higher power. I felt like I was living a lie just walking into the church basement.

I have to do this on my own for my family and for me... and I'm doing just that. AVRT has helped immensely.
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Rugby8 View Post
My sponsor would call me just "a dry drunk" and tell me that I need to go to meetings and call him everyday and he would get all pissy and give me lectures when I didn't... I do have a family and I coach my son's sports and lead a very busy life. I don't think he understood that.

But doing AVRT has opened up (along with this site) a better way for me to stay sober. I'm thankful everyday that I don't drink and relish in how good I feel and the way I am getting healthy. The guilt of not being a "good" AA member was what drove me away and I think I started drinking again because I felt like a hopeless failure in AAs eyes... I just didn't fit in there. And the people there were sometimes nasty, petty and mean believe it or not. I felt like a total hypocrite because I don't believe in God and I never believed in any higher power. I felt like I was living a lie just walking into the church basement.

I have to do this on my own for my family and for me... and I'm doing just that. AVRT has helped immensely.

First off, congratulations! You're doing awesome!

Next, I want to talk about the section in red! I too was saved by AVRT. Like you, I don't believe in religion (in fact, I'm an atheist). While AA might work for some I also don't believe in the "recovery-ism" that they preach. Different approaches for different people! I'm so glad you didn't simply give up when AA didn't work for you. That's the only complaint I have about AA; some view it was the only thing that works. In the end, the only important thing is that you don't drink.

I'm going on seven sober months now. Once I made my Big Plan I quit drinking and never looked back. When I was a drunk I'd get headaches if I didn't get my "fix" within an hour or two of the usual time. But once I went thru AVRT and resolved to quit, I found that I had no withdrawals, no headaches and virtually no cravings! I think my body and mind had had enough of being constantly drunk and were looking for the key to unlock the door to my chemical prison.

To you and anyone else reading this, you can change your life! Booze doesn't have to be a life/death sentence.

Thanks for checking in, Rugby8! It's so cool to hear things are better than when you began this thread!
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