hibbsy23

Hi all,

Yeah, I do feel a little better each day, more and more clear I guess. But it is making me remember more of the bad stuff as I go along. But all in in all, I know know what I have to do and I am going to do it.

And yes I have been to three AA meetings and I have made a good friend called Ian, who has called me a few times just to for me to check in while I am not at meetings and what not

Cheers

Rich

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hibbsy23

Hi all, just met up with 'My Love' and we had a talk and a cry. She said she wants to come to a meeting with me and possibly start going to Al-Anon. Cos she feels she needs help.

I bought her a Pandora bracelet too today cos I knew I was meeting her. Just as a sorry.

Anyway, she took it and then we talked a bit then she got angry about all this stuff and threw it out of the car. Then drove off. I dropped it off round her house for her anyway

She wants to talk to my mentor and then come to the meeting in Wednesday.

On the way home I had a bit of a panic attack and its taken me a good hour to calm down and relax.

Sat chilling listening to classic FM now. Good bit of the sexy Myleene Class. :P

Day 8 complete and still sober.

Rich

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hibbsy23

Here to get my life back...HA!!

My life ain't coming back. Please tell me what the point of being sober is any more. I only did it to get her back and at the moment, she isn't. So what's the ******* point!

As people have said, I am a waste of space. So what is the point of even trying to better anything. Once a drunk always a drunk right? Why not stay loyal to it.

Really low right now.

Just losing the will to live.

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Sasha4

Whats happened?
Where are you?

Just remember a drink won't make any of this any better...it will still be there in the morning.

Can you ring Ian from AA?

Be safe xx

hibbsy23

Thanks.

I'm sat at the kitchen table at my mums just wondering why I am even bothering. My fiancee is making no indication she is ever coming back. I just feel like crap. Like there really is no point in bothering to try and do anything.

All that is going through my head is, 'ooo, look at all this alcohol sitting in this wine rack, the crate of beer in the cupboard, the countless bottles of vodka and whiskey sat in the side board in the living room. My mum doesn't drink them....I'm sure they won't miss them. I could get away from this feeling. I won't have to be here, I can go off into a safe place, drunk with no feelings or awareness of anything'

Everything just seems so pointless right now.

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Sasha4

Don't let drink loose you anymore things that you treasure in life.

Go get busy and don't brood.

Honestly you will feel horrific tomorrow if you drink.

Hevyn

Hi Rich. Just a few days ago you were proud of yourself for resisting temptation. Please do it again. Sure - you could drink that toxic stuff - and then what? A few hours of feeling numb, but what goes up must come down. As Sasha said, nothing will be made any better. Sobering up would be hell, and nothing would be resolved.

You have worth and your life has a purpose - with or without your fiance. Please don't give up on yourself. You'll be better able to handle what the future holds without being sick and in a fog.

We believe in you. You can do this.

hibbsy23

Thanks. I don't think I'd survive much longer if I lost anything else.

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hibbsy23

Thanks

I will and I have resisted temptation as I am now in bed.

As for the self worth, I am guessing that it comes with time. Cos I am just disgusted with myself right now. Angry with everything. I was given a chance by my fiancee, she gave me the benefit of the doubt and believed I was better. I threw it back in her face. I drank and continued to drink. And this was only over a period of two weeks. And it wasn't really a lot of drink. It was probably only a few days out of the 14. Before those two weeks, we had a lovely few months of me being happy. And happy with myself. But I just had to go on and **** it all up.

I'm so angry with myself. Just completely disgusted.

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Hevyn

It's understandable to be disappointed in yourself - but don't get stuck there. You can rise above all this and have a wonderful life. I have a long list of people I hurt and terrible, thoughtless things I did. If I had allowed those memories to torture me, I'd never have dug my way out of hell.

The drinking Rich probably bears little resemblance to the sober Rich. That sure was the case with me. Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't recognize. I had to stay goodbye to that person & leave her in the dust. I hope you'll do the same.

hibbsy23

Yep. That's one thing amy used to say. But clearly I didn't heed the warning when it mattered.

Thanks for all that last night. I really needed the support.

I have a meeting tonight at 7.30 so I will be OK tonight.

Rich

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hibbsy23

I have been sober now for a full 17 days and strange but wonderful things are happening.

To start with, I haven't had a day off work for 11 days, and don't have one for at least another week, which is great. The money I am building up for next pay day is going to be huge. So that's a good thing.

One day last week, a customer came up to me (i was left on my own for 7 hours due to people being off sick) and said I am managing my time and coping well and gave me his business card and a DVD about his company and is offering me a job on a plate. Which is another great thing.

So far then, I have increased productivity and displayed a willingness to work and basically becoming the person I once was. Driven and controlled.

Then, on Friday night, I was on one of my pointless drives and found myself in a small village where an ex girlfriend from about 4 years ago lives, I was going to message her and see if she was about. But the last time we spoke (around 7 months ago) it wasn't very nice and things were left as they were. So I decided against. Anyway, the following day, out of the blue, this ex girlfriend messages me on Facebook and we chatted for a while and ended up on the phone for over an hour. We are meeting up at the end of the month when she goes to visit her parents. It was strange that we were both thinking about each other at the same time.

So, again, it seems things are looking up. I am building relationships back up with old friends too. And trying to make sense of why I haven't bothered with anyone for the last few years during my drinking and also the time I was with the girl that has just thrown me out.

As for the situation with her, well, I have come to the conclusion that it is never going to work between us. There is no way that we will be able to repair the damage that has been done. Also, for me to continue to hold on to such a futile hope is only hurting me and other people that care for me.

Everyday it gets easier. And I don't find myself staring off in to space wishing I had done things differently. Ultimately, if all this hadn't of happened, I'd still be drinking, I'd still be miserable, I'd still be unmotivated to do anything.

I don't know what happened over the weekend, but I just felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I am able to see clearly. I am able to take charge of my own life.

On Sunday, I was in a pub, and I had a coke, I didn't have any alcohol, nor did I feel the need to take some. I know I cannot have a drink. It would take me right back to where I started.

There is still a nagging sensation of "What now?" As in, where do I go from here, what happens next. I know only I can decide that, but unfortunately my impatience is trying to take over.

All I know right now is to keep sober, keep going to meetings and just let the days roll by, for now. My path will become more clear as the days go by.

I saw a great quote today and that quote was,

"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, start being positive about what could go right"

And I think that really is a quote to live by.

17 days and counting...

Rich

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Mizzuno

I would like to tell you that "YOUR AWESOME". Keep up all this good work. Positive things are happening.

hibbsy23

Saturday was the real turning point.

After the hour long chat with the ex ex girlfriend.

I think I just saw that things do get better and you do get over people.

I am really looking forward to meeting up with her after all these years.

As for the one that threw me out, well, I haven't spoke to or heard from her since last Tuesday. As I said in the last post I will confirm again, its completely finished and done. There is no repairing the damage. And if I'm honest, I don't want to any more.

So, here's to sobriety! Its amazing!

Rich

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MeSoSober

Rich, I really needed that right now (job-hunting just brings out the pessimist in me in a BIG way), so please know that you have helped someone else with this post.

And CONGRATULATIONS on everything!

In the depths of despair it's hard to remember just how quickly and dramatically things can turn around.

hibbsy23

Job hunting kills me! I did about an hour of looking today after work, just for some extra work, need a bit more to fill in the gaps of free time I don't want as free time at the moment up. And its just so hard to stay positive.

To be honest, I have an Army application being processed right now, and I think that will be the path for me. I have grown up in that environment, and perhaps it will do me good being back in one. Its just a stable and clear career. I like the structure and order. Something that civilian life has not given me.

As for the quote, I think it really sums up a lot of peoples attitudes. Not just alcoholics, but people that are in a constant battle with their emotions and day to day woes.

Rich.

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Hevyn

I'm so happy to see how far you've come in such a short time. You sound like a whole new Rich. You said some very wise things in these last few posts. You're growing and changing already. I'm very proud of you for not caving and giving up when things didn't go your way at first. You were strong and rode it out - now all things are possible.

hibbsy23

With out sounding fat headed, I am a very intelligent person, but the drinking over the past few years has prevented that from coming out.

I find that in my sobriety, I am enjoying learning again. I have a few issues with my car right now and it actually exciting again to be thinking about what it is that is wrong and where to start. Its an Audi A4 1.9tdi with a massive GT1749VA turbo and .216mm nozzles :P ....I could continue like that for quite some time lol

All in all, in a very short time, I seem to have turned a new leaf over and have a very positive out look right now

At a meeting last week one of the guys that shared said something very interesting and it has stuck with me and I have used it a few times, even today. He was working as a milkman in the 80s and found that on Saturdays (when he had to collect the money from the customers) he would get very stressed because he expected people to be in waiting to pay him. And on line occasion, he thought, 'What if I didn't get stressed, what if I just remained patient?' And then he did and all the stress drained away and he was calm.

I, myself, have done that even today, just thought, 'I don't need to be stressed, just remain calm' and the day is so much easier and I safe so much energy during the day in not being stressed for no reason.

I think it is a very good example if taking control of your life.

Rich.

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deeker

Hibbs your inbox if full, Hang in there! I am so proud of you!

hibbsy23

Yeah I know, I just emptied it. Weird, I was just wondering when of would be full lol

Rich x

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