jazzfish

It took me a long time, but I eventually realized that my drinking was slowly taking away what I loved, whittling away at my potential, and destroying opportunities. I was destroying all of meaning, purpose, and happiness in my life. I finally understood that freedom no longer meant doing whatever I wanted. Freedom meant doing those things that added meaning and purpose to my life; and that improved my potential and opportunities. Some of those things that needed to be done would be painful and uncomfortable, but I could do them if I decided so.

hibbsy23

Its taken me two beatings over the head. As I said, she left me in April last year then gave me another chance which I totally screwed up and spat back in her face. That's how it seems.

She keeps asking me "Why was I so s**t again" I can't answer her. I don't know. I have no answer other than it was the drink that did it. And I let it.

I've told her to read this forum to get a better understanding. She has read my post and all I got in reply was, "I'm not the love of your life, if I was then you wouldn't do things that you did"

Followed up with "I was going to marry you and have a kid with you, but no, you ****** it up!"

It hurt. It hurt a hell of alot. It made me want to go out and get a bottle of whiskey and smash things up. That was about an hour ago. But, I did not give in to that temptation. I stood my ground and said no.

I think day two is going well

Rich

hibbsy23

Would you mind terribly if I were to use that in my signature? Its the best quote I have ever heard tbh.

Rich

1stepup

Hi Rich, your story is soo similar to my own that its really struck a chord with me. I like you feel that i have lost everything. My ex girlfriend told me earlier today that there is no hope of us getting back together as she doesnt love me anymore because of the drinking. I felt rejected and fearful for the future. I too am starting day two, its 1am here now.

Basically i got made redundent last year from a job i was in for eight years, i got another job but hated it, and just didnt show up one morning and went on a massive 3 month bender which lost me all of my redundancy money lost my girlfriend too and got thrown out. Now living at my grandmothers, unemployed, single, and lost.

Ive lost my driving license twice for drink driving and havent driven since. I need to stop this self destruction. Its helped me stay sober by posting on this site all day! Just thought id let you know that i know how your feeling, and the frustration you feel.

Good luck for the future.

hibbsy23

Its heartbreaking reading that someone else is in the same pain as me. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Does she ask you 'why?'

Cos I feel like answering that it was the drink is just an excuse. Anything to pin blame on something else. I can't give her an answer cos I seriously don't know.

I'm in the UK too its cold and lonely in a tiny single bed without her. I should be in bed next to her.

Hang in there man, you are in control. Don't let the booze tell you what to do. :-)

Rich

hibbsy23

All I want is meaning and purpose. I want a career and the whole family life. The going on holiday with the ones I love.

I want "My Love" in my life. She says she's done and she's not mine anymore. That just makes me more determined to change and get this kicked.

Rich

CharlieNoogan

Please, use it as you wish. I certainly can't claim credit for that one.

I'm glad it resonates with you. I totally get the pain you are going through over her. At this point though, you need to focus on yourself. Show her through your actions that you are committed to recovery and a new way of life. We got real good at apologizing while drinking. Words won't go far now.

If you walk 3 days into the woods, it will take at least 3 days to walk back out.

Think about it from her perspective. Regaining her trust will take time. Sometimes more time than it took for you to break it.

Maybe one day the two of you can rekindle the relationship on better terms. I think you know that drinking over this can only make it worse. I hope it all works out for you, my friend.

1stepup

Thanks Rich, you hang on in there too.

Yeah shes asked me why? loads of time. Just felt in the end we'd end up back together but i guess her patience ran out in the end, ive tried to stop throughout the relationship but couldnt stay off it longer than a few weeks.

Felt jealous in a way that she could drink once a week with no bad effects, and when i started i just couldnt stop, got into morning drinking at college, for days id dissapear after a row and just drink myself into oblivion, id then go back with my tail between my legs and she'd take me back.

Feel in a way that i need to be on my own now to get sober, but rejection is hard to take. If it wasnt for the generosity of family i would probably be on the streets and thats after being a promising student who had it all but didnt realise it.

hibbsy23

Wow, you keep churning them out! Thats two that have gone on my Facebook wall now! Lol

Thanks for the kind words of wisdom. Drinking isn't going to solve this, isn't going to make it all better or go away. It would just confirm exactly what she said. And that is that I am nothing but a waste of space.

I can change my ways and I will.

And you are right I need to do this for myself before I can do anything for anyone else. That is true for all of us in this same predicament.

How can you show love to someone else if you can't love your self first.

Rich

SparklingSeven

Just wanted to welcome you here Rich. I think you've made a good start and congratulate you on your honesty. As you know from your past experiences of sobriety it is a different life. It takes a while but eventually you don't even miss it.

I wish you well and hope to see you on here regularly.

Stu.

hibbsy23

Wow, those are my thoughts exactly.

Couldn't stay off it more than a few weeks at a time. The jealousy and question her as to why she didn't stay up and drink with me.

She always says that she hates watching me drink to 'oblivion'

She also thinks its best I do this on my own.

Sure we aren't the same person? Cos that was weird lol

Chin up matey. I'll do the same

Rich

And my mum has come through with the generosity. She is letting me stay here for a while till I can move out again.

As for promising student, I wrote her dissertation for her and got 57/60. So it goes to show I can do anything I set my mind to. I used to use that against her on a regular occurrence. Acting like she owed me something and she should stop mentioning my drinking.

hibbsy23

Thanks Stu, I feel welcome. Its good to just be able to churn out all that's in my head and get some feedback from people who know what I am going through. All I keep thinking is 'why oh why, didn't I do this sooner' I could be so much further along.

But I guess it takes a consequence to trigger the epiphany.

Rich

CharlieNoogan

Rich I'm convinced you are on the right track. You want this and you can do it.

Not to keep churning out cliches, but: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

What will you do differently this time?

For me, I'm finding the answer in SR, outpatient treatment, A.A., AVRT, and counseling. All things I was VERY resistant to before I stopped digging.

It's different for everyone, but I had to realize that I couldn't do this on my own. Been there, tried that, failed at that. Not drinking is the easy part. Staying quit is the challenge.

Take it one day at a time. Tell yourself you won't drink today, and don't worry about tomorrow.

And make sure you stick around and keep us posted on your progress!

Hevyn

Some great and helpful thoughts here - that's why I love this place.

As for the 'why' - when our loved ones ask us - I've never found an answer that would make sense to a 'normie'. I don't even understand it myself - so how can I explain it to them? I remember years ago when my husband was the one with the drinking problem and slowly destroying his life. I would ask him how he could hurt me and claim he loves me - why wasn't my love enough - why did he need to get numb? Of course, no answer was given. So I was left to assume the worst. It wasn't until many years later when I had my own battle with it - that I finally understood that he had needed me and never intended to push me away. It is complicated.

Knowing we're not alone helps ease the pain and anxiety we're feeling. Yes, it's still a war we have to wage alone - but we have people all around us helping to hold us up and encourage us.

hibbsy23

Trust me I am enjoying the clinches.

I will not drink today. :-)

The only thing is worrying me is relapse. Let assume its the end of March, by which time I will have money to move out of my mums again. So at this point I would have been off it for a while and most likely have many things done and sorted. I will not have my mother there to be in 'the way' of my drinking. So I think mainly I need help to prevent a relapse.

Rich

mundy

Hi Rich,
I just finished reading your thread, and it was no coincidence that it ended (so far) with I will not drink today. It goes on to say you are are worried of relapsing down the road. I think that's the beauty of One Day at a Time. I can stay sober today, and tomorrow I will deal with tomorrow. That's all I've got. My pattern is to clean up, get my outside life in order, get a little confidence back, pick up and it's all back to the black hole only worse. That, and your story is exactly where I'm at. I have seven days today, a lot of it white knuckling it, but I can tell you it does get a little better every day. I know that if I pick up I will be right back at the beginning, if not worse. I have pretty much lost what you've lost, so it helps me to hear that other people have gone through the same crap and survived, if not used this unbearable bottom as a starting point to a new life. Thank you to all the posters who have offered their experience strength and hope - it has really helped me too.
John

hibbsy23

I've been on this website for only a few hours now and already I have learned so much. Everyone has been very welcoming and accepting. If I posted this on my car forums then it would be met with very different reactions.

The one day at a time thing is very good. And I will be using that as a helpful technique.

Its day two for me now as its Sunday here. Lol

I have even just bought the mobile app for my tablet which is great! And at £0.61 its very cheap. And to add to that, I've never bought an app before. Always found another way around to get it for free. So ultimately, I'm here to stay.

Cheers guys, its 3.31am here and I have to get up for work at 9am. I know its late and I'll be tired in the morning, but put it this way, I won't have the shakes tomorrow. I won't be constantly looking in the rear view mirror for signs of police to pull me over and breathalise me. I can get up and grumble and complain that its bloody freezing here in the UK instead.

Night all, good luck with your days. You can do it.

Rich

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery

hibbsy23

Hi all,

Completed my days work with no craving of wanting a drink.

Day two, so far, successful. Win!

Rich

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery

Valll

Hi Rich,

as I posted on another convo earlier, we are all unfortunately (in most cases) creatures of habit...these few paragraphs hit the nail on the head:

"Habits help us through our day. When we are doing something that is habitual, we are not engaged in the task in the same way as when we are doing something that is not habitual. Just as an example, consider making breakfast in your own kitchen on any given weekday. Next time you do it, watch how effortlessly it happens. It's not exactly like an out-of-body experience, but it's close. Your movements through the kitchen are stereotyped. You grab the milk out of the fridge, turn toward the counter and give the door that little nudge you with your foot that you know it needs. If something is on your mind, you might not notice that you're sitting at the table and munching on your second piece of toast until you're halfway through it. Now, compare that to getting breakfast at a friend's house. Where's the milk? The bread? Oh my goodness, so complicated!

That's the power of a habit. And you don't have just one. You don't even have a dozen. You have dozens, maybe even hundreds. Thank goodness for habits! But, here's the catch: You don't like all of your habits. In fact, some of them are decidedly displeasing to your good self."

We can break the habit if we are strong/get help/want to.

Take care nowx

hibbsy23

That's a very good way of putting things. Habits that are bad only get worse with time as well.

I often get in the car and drive off then ten minutes down the road I think, 'did I put my seatbelt on?' And I did but I don't remember doing it as it is a habit. And a good one at that.

Routine is good. People call it mundane and boring, but routine is what keeps people on a level peg.

I feel so much better for not drinking, I am once again seeing the positives in things. Not picking out the bad and trying to find something to complain about.

Its great, again. I want to keep it this way always.

Rich

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery