Here to get my life back
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 12
Bad Habits
Here's one of my "bad habits":
The thought of picking up a drink pops into my head (which I know it will in early sobriety especially).
Here's the fork in the road for me: "obey" the thought, go into autopilot, head to the liquor store,
OR
Stop, slow down, notice the thought and take THAT fork in the road i.e. call someone, reach out, pray, go to a meeting etc. It is just a thought.
At this point I am AWARE that I have a choice, but the new habit is not yet set, so I find myself drunk yet again. Am I responsible? Definitely.
I am responsible for being more aware of my thoughts and feelings, and I am responsible for my actions.
I am responsible for maintaining my spiritual condition.
I am hoping that the longer I make the healthy choice it will replace the unhealthy one. I am also hoping that my sobriety becomes so valuable to me that I don't want to jeopardize it.
Past experience has shown I'm not there yet. I am not yet able to see beyond the immediate. I have had some time in the program before and know the obsession/compulsion to drink lessens, but I need to be mindful that I am not there now. This means I need to do the new action over and over until it becomes a new habit.
The thought of picking up a drink pops into my head (which I know it will in early sobriety especially).
Here's the fork in the road for me: "obey" the thought, go into autopilot, head to the liquor store,
OR
Stop, slow down, notice the thought and take THAT fork in the road i.e. call someone, reach out, pray, go to a meeting etc. It is just a thought.
At this point I am AWARE that I have a choice, but the new habit is not yet set, so I find myself drunk yet again. Am I responsible? Definitely.
I am responsible for being more aware of my thoughts and feelings, and I am responsible for my actions.
I am responsible for maintaining my spiritual condition.
I am hoping that the longer I make the healthy choice it will replace the unhealthy one. I am also hoping that my sobriety becomes so valuable to me that I don't want to jeopardize it.
Past experience has shown I'm not there yet. I am not yet able to see beyond the immediate. I have had some time in the program before and know the obsession/compulsion to drink lessens, but I need to be mindful that I am not there now. This means I need to do the new action over and over until it becomes a new habit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 74
I'm sitting in MacDonald s car park typing this.
I just had a talk with 'My Love' and words such as 'waste of space' and 'dirty drunk' and other combinations of phrases where used. She doesn't understand why I did the things that I did.
Tbh, I just want to go buy a big bottle of whiskey, drink the lot and drive into a tree. I want it over with.
So I am here trying to remove those thoughts and show her I can be a stable, functioning member of society. I've begged her to research and read this site and find out exactly what it means to be an alcoholic.
But she says she won't help me in this and do anything for me. I'm not asking for that. I'm asking that she does it for her self.
She said she is angry with herself for thinking I was her life. That I could be who she needed me to be.
I can be all those things. And I have been. Otherwise we wouldn't of got back together in the first place.
Really low right now
Rich
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
I just had a talk with 'My Love' and words such as 'waste of space' and 'dirty drunk' and other combinations of phrases where used. She doesn't understand why I did the things that I did.
Tbh, I just want to go buy a big bottle of whiskey, drink the lot and drive into a tree. I want it over with.
So I am here trying to remove those thoughts and show her I can be a stable, functioning member of society. I've begged her to research and read this site and find out exactly what it means to be an alcoholic.
But she says she won't help me in this and do anything for me. I'm not asking for that. I'm asking that she does it for her self.
She said she is angry with herself for thinking I was her life. That I could be who she needed me to be.
I can be all those things. And I have been. Otherwise we wouldn't of got back together in the first place.
Really low right now
Rich
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 12
Hi Richard,
I just read your post. Believe me - I have been exactly where you are, and I got through it. Not to say it wasn't excruciatingly difficult - it was. I think only another alcoholic can truly understand the pain of seeing the unintentional consequences of our actions. The only thing I know is that in the past when I have picked up it has only made things worse. Your love is angry. She needs to get it out. There are no guarantees in life, but for me when I have white-knuckled it through days like this it does get better, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Hang in there buddy.
I just read your post. Believe me - I have been exactly where you are, and I got through it. Not to say it wasn't excruciatingly difficult - it was. I think only another alcoholic can truly understand the pain of seeing the unintentional consequences of our actions. The only thing I know is that in the past when I have picked up it has only made things worse. Your love is angry. She needs to get it out. There are no guarantees in life, but for me when I have white-knuckled it through days like this it does get better, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Hang in there buddy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Richard
Trying to get someone else to research what it's like to be an alcoholic is kinda like you and I researching what it was like to be 19th century French peasant maidens.
We can find a lot of information, but information's not understanding.
The good news is you don't need other peoples understanding to do this - there's an amazing amount of support you can tap into right here and other places from people who've been there.
You just need to do this for you - in time (comparatively little time really) those who love you will see the changes in you without you even opening your mouth.
D
Trying to get someone else to research what it's like to be an alcoholic is kinda like you and I researching what it was like to be 19th century French peasant maidens.
We can find a lot of information, but information's not understanding.
The good news is you don't need other peoples understanding to do this - there's an amazing amount of support you can tap into right here and other places from people who've been there.
You just need to do this for you - in time (comparatively little time really) those who love you will see the changes in you without you even opening your mouth.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Hi Rich, sorry for late response to your message- just come across it, i had my ex and her mother verbally abusing me after they came home drunk when i stayed at my exes looking after the kids on day 2 last night. Ive come to the conclusion that my relationship with her is and has been harming me staying sober, its hard cause ive got kids with her and cant just cut her out of my life, and ive always thought ive 'needed her' to get me through the comedown.
I tried in vain to 'explain' this disease, (in my opinion my exes mum is in denial), but realise that its down to me to fix this and i need to be in a basic single life for a while to feel better in the long term. Thats the situation with me, hope you get through this and find your own way, keep posting mate its early days for us both.
I tried in vain to 'explain' this disease, (in my opinion my exes mum is in denial), but realise that its down to me to fix this and i need to be in a basic single life for a while to feel better in the long term. Thats the situation with me, hope you get through this and find your own way, keep posting mate its early days for us both.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 74
Thanks for the replies.
I didn't sleep much at all last night. Tossing and turning and falling in and out of sleep. My love rang me at 5 in the morning and had another go at me. Calling me all manner of things.
I managed to get to work today and soldier on through, how I am managing this, I really don't know.
I called HER this evening, she answered and I asked if she still wanted to meet and talk, she hung up. A few more calls with no answer later, the landlord answered HER phone and just took the ****. Called me pathetic and that I am being dramatic. And then 'you know how you thought we all had a problem with you, well we did, you are a complete bum, you don't do anything, you drank and did **** all, just got up for work and that's it. No one likes you, you are a complete loser and I hope you do jump off a bridge or kill yourself in some other way'.
Something along those lines. And all the while, my love sat by and listened. And even laughed at the landlords comments.
Normal people really don't know what's its like. And they mock us and consider us horrible people.
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
I didn't sleep much at all last night. Tossing and turning and falling in and out of sleep. My love rang me at 5 in the morning and had another go at me. Calling me all manner of things.
I managed to get to work today and soldier on through, how I am managing this, I really don't know.
I called HER this evening, she answered and I asked if she still wanted to meet and talk, she hung up. A few more calls with no answer later, the landlord answered HER phone and just took the ****. Called me pathetic and that I am being dramatic. And then 'you know how you thought we all had a problem with you, well we did, you are a complete bum, you don't do anything, you drank and did **** all, just got up for work and that's it. No one likes you, you are a complete loser and I hope you do jump off a bridge or kill yourself in some other way'.
Something along those lines. And all the while, my love sat by and listened. And even laughed at the landlords comments.
Normal people really don't know what's its like. And they mock us and consider us horrible people.
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hibbsy - That really makes me angry on your behalf. I don't need to know the whole story to know their hostility is uncalled for - especially when you're trying to make amends and get well. You don't need that when you're trying so hard, and it could sabotage your plan to get sober. I don't think I'd be contacting her again until I felt stronger and more determined.
As Dee said, you don't need their understanding to do this. Or their approval or forgiveness. The 'normies' can never truly get what we go through. My own family still thinks alcoholism is a character flaw despite my attempts to educate them. I hope you'll concentrate on healing. Be kind to yourself as you make this big change in your life - you don't need to be beaten down by others.
As Dee said, you don't need their understanding to do this. Or their approval or forgiveness. The 'normies' can never truly get what we go through. My own family still thinks alcoholism is a character flaw despite my attempts to educate them. I hope you'll concentrate on healing. Be kind to yourself as you make this big change in your life - you don't need to be beaten down by others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
Originally Posted by hibbsy23 
Thanks for the replies.
I didn't sleep much at all last night. Tossing and turning and falling in and out of sleep. My love rang me at 5 in the morning and had another go at me. Calling me all manner of things.
I managed to get to work today and soldier on through, how I am managing this, I really don't know.
I called HER this evening, she answered and I asked if she still wanted to meet and talk, she hung up. A few more calls with no answer later, the landlord answered HER phone and just took the ****. Called me pathetic and that I am being dramatic. And then 'you know how you thought we all had a problem with you, well we did, you are a complete bum, you don't do anything, you drank and did **** all, just got up for work and that's it. No one likes you, you are a complete loser and I hope you do jump off a bridge or kill yourself in some other way'.
Something along those lines. And all the while, my love sat by and listened. And even laughed at the landlords comments.
Normal people really don't know what's its like. And they mock us and consider us horrible people.
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
I didn't sleep much at all last night. Tossing and turning and falling in and out of sleep. My love rang me at 5 in the morning and had another go at me. Calling me all manner of things.
I managed to get to work today and soldier on through, how I am managing this, I really don't know.
I called HER this evening, she answered and I asked if she still wanted to meet and talk, she hung up. A few more calls with no answer later, the landlord answered HER phone and just took the ****. Called me pathetic and that I am being dramatic. And then 'you know how you thought we all had a problem with you, well we did, you are a complete bum, you don't do anything, you drank and did **** all, just got up for work and that's it. No one likes you, you are a complete loser and I hope you do jump off a bridge or kill yourself in some other way'.
Something along those lines. And all the while, my love sat by and listened. And even laughed at the landlords comments.
Normal people really don't know what's its like. And they mock us and consider us horrible people.
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
My suggestion is for you to focus on yourself right now, totally and completely. Check out AA meetings for f2f support, continue reading on this site, and continue gaining strength in your sobriety. I know you miss her and want to change for her, but she has heard this all before. The change you want so much must be for yourself, for then you will radiate an aura of self-confidence that others will be able to see. The change will be obvious. So for now, focus on today. Whatever tomorrow brings will be dealt with then. Sending you a cyber hug!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Rich,
I'm sorry to hear that her landlord berated you in that manner. Obviously, he/she has no idea what this disease is actually like.
I might be wrong, but if your ex is involving people like this in the issues between the two of you, she is probably feeding off of the extra attention and being the "victim." She may just be the type that likes drama. I have experience with this as well.
If I were you, I would block her phone number and email address or she will likely continue to bait you as she has been. At the very least, let her know that if she wants to support you in your recovery you are open to that. Anything else is not welcome, and would be detrimental to your sobriety.
Great job staying sober! Try not to engage her. Keep us posted.
-CN
I'm sorry to hear that her landlord berated you in that manner. Obviously, he/she has no idea what this disease is actually like.
I might be wrong, but if your ex is involving people like this in the issues between the two of you, she is probably feeding off of the extra attention and being the "victim." She may just be the type that likes drama. I have experience with this as well.
If I were you, I would block her phone number and email address or she will likely continue to bait you as she has been. At the very least, let her know that if she wants to support you in your recovery you are open to that. Anything else is not welcome, and would be detrimental to your sobriety.
Great job staying sober! Try not to engage her. Keep us posted.
-CN
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 9
Hi Hibbsy,
just wondering how you're doing. Speaking from "having been there" I know how hard it can be at this stage - I don't have any real words of wisdom other than hang in there - it does get better. Your love is angry, and she needs to get through that on her own - there's NOTHING you can say or do that will change that - the only thing you can change is you, and at this point that means not picking up. You can do it!
just wondering how you're doing. Speaking from "having been there" I know how hard it can be at this stage - I don't have any real words of wisdom other than hang in there - it does get better. Your love is angry, and she needs to get through that on her own - there's NOTHING you can say or do that will change that - the only thing you can change is you, and at this point that means not picking up. You can do it!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hibbsy - if other people are being roped in, I think you're best out of it for now.
The last thing any of us needs in early recovery is extra drama.
Focus on yourself, get well, get strong, stay sober - then you can sort out the stuff like this then
D
The last thing any of us needs in early recovery is extra drama.
Focus on yourself, get well, get strong, stay sober - then you can sort out the stuff like this then
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 74
Thanks guys.
I have had to take a step back. I went round last night to try and get a few bit from the house. I needed my shaving stuff cos I we looking scruffy.
Anyway, I wasn't being aggressive or in anyway threatening. I was merely looking through my stuff in the shed finding a few bits while I arrange a friend to come with an extra car, cos it won't all fit in mine. So anyway, walking back across the garden, I see my cat in the window of our bedroom, so I go over to have a look at her and just tell her I miss her and she meowed and it was nice. So the landlord comes out with his shotgun and proceeds to shout and ask me why I am being such a dick, he then hit me with it so that I was knocked back on to my car.
Now, I'm a big guy, I am trained in all manor of violent and physical sports and believe me when I say it, it took a lot of my will power not to tear the guy apart. Cos I would of. With great ease. My own rage reared its nasty head and snarled. I basically told the guy that if he touched me again I would rip his head off. He then abruptly stopped coming towards me and 'politely' asked me to leave. Which I did as I had got what I went for.
Anyway, I spoke to the police about this matter, and openly admitted that this guy is lucky to still be alive today and I have arranged a day where I can go and collect my stuff and let that be that.
As for the repercussions of this event, I drove straight to tesco to buy a nice big bottle of booze and get off my head. I stood in the isle, stood and stared at the whiskey, and decided it a better idea that I didn't buy any or drink a single drop, as my drink always turned out worse when I started out when I was in a bad mood. I would of gone back round and most probably killed him.
So I am proud of myself for handling those situations a lot better than what I would of done before the beginning of my sobriety.
Day 5 complete
Other than that, generally in a fairly good mood.
Cheers
Rich
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
I have had to take a step back. I went round last night to try and get a few bit from the house. I needed my shaving stuff cos I we looking scruffy.
Anyway, I wasn't being aggressive or in anyway threatening. I was merely looking through my stuff in the shed finding a few bits while I arrange a friend to come with an extra car, cos it won't all fit in mine. So anyway, walking back across the garden, I see my cat in the window of our bedroom, so I go over to have a look at her and just tell her I miss her and she meowed and it was nice. So the landlord comes out with his shotgun and proceeds to shout and ask me why I am being such a dick, he then hit me with it so that I was knocked back on to my car.
Now, I'm a big guy, I am trained in all manor of violent and physical sports and believe me when I say it, it took a lot of my will power not to tear the guy apart. Cos I would of. With great ease. My own rage reared its nasty head and snarled. I basically told the guy that if he touched me again I would rip his head off. He then abruptly stopped coming towards me and 'politely' asked me to leave. Which I did as I had got what I went for.
Anyway, I spoke to the police about this matter, and openly admitted that this guy is lucky to still be alive today and I have arranged a day where I can go and collect my stuff and let that be that.
As for the repercussions of this event, I drove straight to tesco to buy a nice big bottle of booze and get off my head. I stood in the isle, stood and stared at the whiskey, and decided it a better idea that I didn't buy any or drink a single drop, as my drink always turned out worse when I started out when I was in a bad mood. I would of gone back round and most probably killed him.
So I am proud of myself for handling those situations a lot better than what I would of done before the beginning of my sobriety.
Day 5 complete
Other than that, generally in a fairly good mood.
Cheers
Rich
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
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Location: Upstate New York
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Rich - You handled it great. It's such a relief when we finally know that drinking isn't a way to cope. I'm sorry you had to deal with that person's hostility - but proud of you for not caving.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm glad you didn't drink.
Sounds like it might be good to have a mate there when you go around to get the rest of your stuff - just to keep things orderly, y'know?
D
Sounds like it might be good to have a mate there when you go around to get the rest of your stuff - just to keep things orderly, y'know?
D
Rich
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
Rich - You handled it great. It's such a relief when we finally know that drinking isn't a way to cope. I'm sorry you had to deal with that person's hostility - but proud of you for not caving.
I was seething with rage. I ended up driving out to the middle of nowhere and just screamed, roared and shouted a few times....model of self control eh? Lol
Rich
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Posts: 74
Made it through day 7. A full week completely dry.
Had a few mishaps today though and I almost fell off. It was pay day today....I didn't get any money. The idiots in the payroll office messed up my account number. By one digit. So it didnt go into my account. So now I have to wait till next week or even next month. But thankful my mother has loaned me 200quid.
Before that, I was a mess. Worried about how I am going to get to work. Pay my bills and just generally felt **** about everything. I was ready to just give up.
But thankfully in was saved by my dear mother.
She never usually does anything like this. But I think she was worried that I would fall off the band wagon and drink tonight. And I thinking she didn't help I would of probably done it. I just felt like, yet again, nothing goes right and there is something bigger than me intentionally messing with me to make my life that little bit more miserable than it already seems to be.
Other than that I am in high spirits. Spoke to 'My Love' a little too. She don't say much, but she also doesn't answer my question of 'do you love me' which to me says she does but she doesn't want to admit it. Spoke to a few other of my female friends on this matter and they agree that that is pretty much how women work. Pains in the arse.
Anyway, rant over.
Yay me for completing a week with no drink.
Here's to a better tomorrow
Rich
Xx
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
Had a few mishaps today though and I almost fell off. It was pay day today....I didn't get any money. The idiots in the payroll office messed up my account number. By one digit. So it didnt go into my account. So now I have to wait till next week or even next month. But thankful my mother has loaned me 200quid.
Before that, I was a mess. Worried about how I am going to get to work. Pay my bills and just generally felt **** about everything. I was ready to just give up.
But thankfully in was saved by my dear mother.
She never usually does anything like this. But I think she was worried that I would fall off the band wagon and drink tonight. And I thinking she didn't help I would of probably done it. I just felt like, yet again, nothing goes right and there is something bigger than me intentionally messing with me to make my life that little bit more miserable than it already seems to be.
Other than that I am in high spirits. Spoke to 'My Love' a little too. She don't say much, but she also doesn't answer my question of 'do you love me' which to me says she does but she doesn't want to admit it. Spoke to a few other of my female friends on this matter and they agree that that is pretty much how women work. Pains in the arse.
Anyway, rant over.
Yay me for completing a week with no drink.
Here's to a better tomorrow
Rich
Xx
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Rich - You've sounded a bit better each time you've posted. I hope it's helped to relieve some of the pent up anxiety and anger you've been holding inside. You are actually sounding positive and hopeful. Congratulations on those hard earned 7 days of sobriety. Knew you could.
Congratulations on those hard earned 7 days of sobriety. Knew you could. 
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