ntmu

.

Kat60

Ok, that's alright, but why don't you just go to bed and get a few hours rest and get up and go in the morning. Can you share why you feel like you need to stay up all night?? I am asking 'cause i wanna help is all.

Bigndfan175

ntmu - take a cab to the hospital now why wait?

peace

Kat60

Hey Big

NTMU said that he can only get a bed if he is there waiting at 8am....

ReadyAndAble

I bet 99 out of 100 alcoholics felt exactly the same way the day they decided to quit.

But the crazy thing is, when you look back at it later, it turns out it was the luckiest day of your life.

I am so damn grateful I finally hopped off that horrible treadmill. You will be, too. I have no doubt about it, ntmu.

LostinWA

I hope they have a Bed. Earlier this week I had this issue.

/Thoughts and Prayers

ntmu

someone actually advised me not to go. i have a few hours left before a holiday weekend for intake. i want whatever causes the least problems.

i need to figure something out quick, but quick is not where i'm at right now.

it would be best if someone came over or something.

no one really wants another problem on their hands.

Dee74

if you don't go to hospital what are you going to do, ntmu?

D

ntmu

i don't know.

i tried. i called them when the opened. i had more questions. they were full. it is maybe good that i didn't go. i have not the energy to type now.

i don't want this to be a gawking event.

i have been trying to come up with some other plans.

everyone who has good friends and understanding loved ones, please be very thankful for that.

for those of us that don't

it's very difficult sometimes to accomplish easy tasks sometimes without a trusting hand.

for anyone who says for me to just pull my self on my own
i've pulled myself up over & over from the most difficult circumstances, much more than anyone i've ever know or heard about
it is true that this is a progressive problem
it's hard to say i'm totally hating it, but i know it's not possible to continue like this for much longer

anyway
everyone wants to point a finger
but really
is just coming over
being friendly
& non judgemental
that difficult for everyone
really
this world is a crock
as i'm seeing it
i've even been in worse states than i am now

no one truly cares
no one truly wants to help
i'm weak or stupid for asking
then i get on my feet and they want to put me back down
because then i am healthy & smart again

everyone sucks then

to this day
i have not been able to find true help
other then one person in my whole life
and that person was older a passed away a few years ago

gotta try anyway, as they say

Dee74

The world looked like an enemy to me when I was drinking, and so did the people in it.

That's probably the most insidious part of drinking like we do - it feeds the voice that tells us we're worthless.

It tells us that change is too hard and it tells us there's no point in trying cos we'll fail.

It tells us that people aren't to be trusted, that they'll let us down and that noone else can possibly know how we feel or understand what we've been through.

It cuts us off, isolates us, sucks our hope dry, and stops us trying.

and so...we keep drinking.

Recognise whats happening.
Recognise the lies for what they are ntmu.

D

ntmu

i seriously owe you a lot for all of your efforts dee.

you have gone above and beyond to try to help me

you're right
i don't feel i deserve help, but i do need it

trust issues go beyond drinking though

this a tough one

just read it & weep i guess for now
or just don't be me

Dee74

I didn't feel I deserved help either - that was another lie

D

hypochondriac

I had no one to help me with my problems either ntmu. For one no one knew, and I have quickly figured out that even when I do come clean to 'loved ones' about my struggles they don't and more importantly can't help me. It is very frustrating sometimes. A few supportive words might make all the difference but they never come. I have found so much self worth, something I never had before, from doing this on my own. In a way that is a gift. It will give you strength. I am not saying pull yourself up on your own. It isn't necessary to be quite so isolationist. Just look for help in the right places. Have you been to an AA meeting yet? There are people there who will bend over backwards to help you. Whatever your situation there will be help available, either free or things you can pay for like counselling. Have you seen a doctor yet? Hanging around here I have heard of so many different ways of getting and staying sober, maybe reading some personal stories would help you, give you some hope that you can do this to. Because you can. Everyone here will tell you 'if I can do it so can you', because it's true x

You really aren't alone in this btw. Keep posting here regularly and don't isolate yourself from the recovery community and you will never be alone x

ricmcc

I think the most valuable gift that I have ever been given was an AA list of meetings, given to me by a homeless person---it taught me that what we had in common, a desire to overcome addiction, was a lot greater than our economic differences--so I learned that all people deserved to be treated as Humans, and that allowed me to start treating myself as Human, and worth saving. So, I never use words like "crackheads, felons, crazies", I use the word 'people', and now treat them and myself as such. It really did help me---take care, rick

ntmu

i said some dumb things, i haven't been sober, please forgive me

i do not live in a nice suburban place, i know all kinds of people and get along with them.

i said something stupid, please let it go.

accept the mistake & move on.

ricmcc

No worries; actually, I was speaking of myself, in any case. Take care---rick

Hanna

Ntmu -
Reading everything you have said, maybe getting to a meeting would be your best bet.
Your loved ones probably don't know how to deal with this, don't know how to give you what you need. Them coming over probably is not what you need at all.

But someone that has been there to talk to would help.

At your lowest moments you see what is wrong in the world, what is wrong with people.
We all do. But just as Dee says that is not reality. It is your ego. I read our egos try to keep us from getting hurt and so they tell us no one loves us. No one can be trusted.
It makes being inside you own head a pretty horrible place to be.

It's not reality. This thread is proof that people do care about others.
I'm just a stranger on the Internet and I don't know your name. But I check this thread everyday. I want to know how you are doing. I'm praying for you and pulling for you.
Why?
Because you are human. You have value. Even reading the drunk and belligerent writing I can see that you are cool, interesting, intelligent and funny. You deserve happiness and freedom. We all do.

Maybe an AA meeting today is the key to begin getting your freedom back from alcohol.

ntmu

i don't remember a lot of this thread & it won't be too good to resee myself like that right now.
the next few days may not be very enjoyable for me if i am able to remain sober.
i may need to rant or whatever, but will try to remember to be respectful.
i do know that i let this site go for a while and been back for half a day now.
it is very helpful for be to be here and also just say hi i am here
i don't want to screw up other peoples threads and don't feel i have the credentials right now to speak much on other threads.
i was trying to sleep and in my semi-sleep state i realized how scary it is how i've been treating myself. i need to step up to self-care & self-respect ASAP, but i feel, look, smell awful.
i could see it as if anyone else, left in the care of someone else, had been left to this much neglect by someone it would be taken much seriously.
i would never treat someone they way i've been treating myself, that thought alone is helping.
yes, i need to think of myself as a caretaker for a while or something.
it's hard to say what thought is going to make it click in my brain, but please let me ramble away here for a few until i get it together.
you don't have to read or respond.
just like i know that video about that guy who died is just not what i need to see right now
you don't have to see me right now
it's sad that so many people watched that, i don't want to put on a show here, but need the support
i get better responses in myself when i go the more positive route
but the next few days may physically not feel so positive for me
i need to focus on finding love & puppies and things like that and man up a little too
but yes, this idea of me as caretaker struck something helpful in me
but it's so inward & me helping, me helping, helping me
i worked when i was almost sleeping, but then i got up and felt physically awful and wanted to releave some pain
i'm going to have to sit, work, whatever through some pain for a few & dreading that
all i know is i am not lying to you guys
but i am also humiliating myself & that's not helping with what i need, self-respect & care
most of you know i will be very different when i get better
f
i'm typing to try to stay connected, but then i wake up and read this and disconnect myself
yes, my problems are much more slippery than just drinking
send puppy pictures or something
lol

ntmu

ok, we don't have to go the puppy route, but i may have to report on here a lot throughout the day/s to take this on. ramble on, i may...

ntmu

ok, i've numbed myself to start watching that movie because i need some interaction. i'm seeing that ryan doesn't know what to do, the people around him don't know what to do. it does suck when people who clearly don't know what to do start do get all self-rightous on you.
not to mention he's scared of rehab for good reasons.
i'm only half way through, maybe i'll post more later.
btw, my situation is not as bad as his
someone i knew many years ago suggested i switch to beer
i did
regardless of what any of you will say about that
not being a hard alcohol drinker may have kept me from getting that bad
still has cost me a ton in every way
every way
but i think my chances of not dying if i give it up
are greater than his
lets look at this as a good thing

and thanks for the thanks easyryder
i don't know anything about you
but thought that was a cool name
lol