ntmu

actually, now i'm seeing even the people behind this video wanting to be experts on everything, yet they couldn't help him.

if there is one thing i will never claim, it is to be an expert or have 100% belief in anything. i believe, if anything, that claiming this 100% belief in anything is the cause of the worst troubles in this world, yes i can take it to 99% sometimes though.
also, sometimes we just have to believe that we don't believe to believe, etc...

i do realize the placebo effect, for better & worse.

ntmu

ok, i just finished that movie, what a stupid and horrible ending.

apparently natl geo had the footage they needed and then just said 'we're outta here'

horrible

Ryan did not get the right kind of treatment, for whatever reason

some one like me, at least, needs to find the right way to take care of themselves, not be left in the hands of all these people

the whole path to rehab killed ryan

everyone wants to help to prove they are saintly or powerful. great example this video is

i need self-care and a bond with someone that cares correctly for me.
later

ntmu

i;m just typing away here, feel free to do so too, it's my thread, i'll allow that.

ntmu

someone say hi or some thing, please. maybe it seems like i'm being a hog, but i've barely even left my apartment in weeks or months. i've had very few interactions with anyone lately.

bigsombrero

What's up man. Yeah I know the feeling when you don't leave your APT. It's easy to get stuck in that situation, I've been there. When I was using heavily I only left the house to get booze, and even then I'd get a 2-3 day stock so I wouldn't have to leave again. Then I found peapod, a grocery delivery service. It's primarily meant for food obviously but when I found out they'd deliver booze also I started mainly using them for vodka delivery. I always kept my apartment clean so that if anyone came in they'd see it looked in order - but my bedroom door was closed, and that's where the real mess was. Clothes all over, completely disorganized. Kind of a metaphor for my life, trying to keep it together on the outside but all messed up on the inside.

I hung a calendar on my wall this year and forced myself to write where I went on each day, in order to make it look full. Sometimes it was only "went to Joe's Coffee Shop" or whatever, but most days I had an entry. On the days I didn't leave I put a star there instead of leaving it empty. As time passed, I noticed fewer stars.

Getting out of that "rut" sure is tough though. Like a whirlpool sucking you down down down. I do know that drinking would not have helped me get out of it.

Start small. Heck, lace up your shoes and put them on. Now you're halfway there. Do you need a pack of gum? Smokes? Cup of coffee? Just go get one. Stay in the coffee shop and drink your coffee, bring your laptop, tons of people do it and it's not in any way weird. You can get on SR from there. Do exactly what you're doing right now, just do it from the coffee shop next door for 30 minutes. Build on the small stuff.

bigsombrero

So, what are you up to today?

ntmu

thanks big sombrero. i'll see how i do. it's about 10:30am, i haven't properly slept yet & that is calling me big time.

my mess is also so big, i feel i smell & look bad right now and do not feel presentable enough to sit in many public places.

but i really do need to start small here.
though it seems that as soon as i make some progress
& show myself
people are like, oh you're fine

anyway, the encouragement to do the small things is helpful
& i found before that the coffee shop thing was working for me for a bit before i fell in to the trash i am in now
the stick it out for 30 mins is a good idea, i've not tried that yet

i need like 5 billion showers and 20 billion clean clothes at this point, i don't remember when i had either one.

i hope i'm not being way too honest, but i feel like that will lead to the road out of this

if i tell the right people

i've also learned many hard a lesson about telling the wrong people about what's going on

i'm going to have to sleep/nap soon, but it's a sh*tty part of the day to have to do that

anyway

thank you

AlisonW

ntmu - I love the feeling of taking a nice hot shower and settling into some fresh clean pajamas before a nap, the hot water just relaxes you and always makes me sleep better... give it a try before your nap and then when you get up you'll be clean and ready to maybe venture out for that coffee or a bite to eat!

-Alison

ntmu

i need small steps right now.

i need people that understand that, but they are hard to find.

this sucks, yes i am ranting

i really hope to be able to help some one someday

ntmu

also, thanks Allison, i typed that before i saw yours, but anyway it's still true, i finish these suds & then it's off to bed to prevent more.
i'm going to have to pull the plug on drinking & feel like sh*t, but that's what makes me feel better.
but i've been neglecting myself big time.
in terms of health
money's an issue, food's an issue, hygiene's an issue, whatever damage i've done hurts, it's all an issue except drinking helps
i need to say that here because you people see/know that drinking is the cause
well a major one
but it does help everyday to just drink
so how do i really tell drinking it is bad & kiss it good bye?
really?
i see what's going on with me, but then i feel bad & it's not all pity

ok, i need to say something in another language now that i don't even know

Hopscotch

Bonjour ntmu!
I thought I'd start you on another language!

Comment vas-tu? Je vais bien!

bigsombrero

Yeah man, I feel your pain. I was in the same hell-hole you are in before treatment. As I've said before, i was also lost and needed help but had no idea how to do it, not a clue. I suppose I am lucky I had those withdrawl seizures in front of my family whilst visting them, because they saw my problems and sent me to treatment. I would never have gone on my own. I know not everyone can just "go to treatment" so suggesting that from me to you is probably going way out of the ballpark here. But for me, that was the only thing that worked to get me back on track. I was completely f***cked in life - lost my girlfriend, my friends, my job, and my family was worried sick. I had bruises and scabs on my body because my liver was more or less shut down and I never healed. I was a complete sh*t show. One "good day" or whatever would not have been enough for me.

For me, the in-patient treatment was basically like jail. Lockdown. No cell phones. Gotta be up at 6:30am, breakfast at 7:00am, speaker at 8:00am, group at 10:30am, lunch at 12pm, speaker at 3pm, dinner at 4:30pm, break-exercise at 5pm, movies/games at 7pm, lights out and back in rooms at 10pm.

And so on and so forth. That stuff got me in line, and in my small group meetings my councilor would rip the sh*t out of us, real tough-love type stuff. Man I needed that kick in the ass. Anyway that's my thoughts on the matter, I know you're going about things your own way due to your situation. Keep pondering your next moves, you CAN get out of this rut. It starts with putting down the bottle and detoxing.

Speaking of detox, why not try checking yourself in? It's just a couple days, nobody will know and you get a couple square meals and a clean system before you're released. You'll also see some f8cked up people that might scare you straight. An adventure for sure. SObering.

ntmu

yeah, i'll look into it some more, but there are some reasons that i can't go in to here why i should avoid that, but there are many reasons why i should do it to.

i can say & you'd have to agree that if i am able to avoid that it'd be great.

ScottFromWI

NTMU - I've been following your threads too, and it's pretty clear you want/need help as you come back. That is a good thing, quitting will be the best thing you can do for yourself. And we are all here to help you in this process..we've been through it all.

Having said all that, you need to stop coming up with excuses to NOT quit and make the decision yourself. We've all been there - the last drink before bed, the first one to take the edge off, the one to get you to the next one, etc...

If you really want to quit and can't do it yourself a supervised detox may be the best solution as others have mentioned. But even for that to work YOU have to decide to sign up. We can't make the decision to put down the glass....but you know it's the right thing to to...and you CAN do it.

Hanna

The thought of one day being able to help others that are suffering like you are today is a good one.

MAlan

Good idea... I have been the same way before, especially with friends. None of them understand. If I hear another friend tell me "Why don't you just not drink so much"... But really I owe everyone who still knows me just for putting up with me all these years! You got this...

ntmu

File:Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.svg - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

what a mess for me right now; that the bottom of the pyramid for me needs to be freedom from addiction now.

Hanna

It's awesome that you thought of this. Start taking care of those basic needs so you can have energy to do the work you want to do to get healthy - the freedom from addiction part.

I seriously set the simplest of goals for myself in times of trouble. I make a list and cross them off as I complete each one.

In your shoes I might make a list like this:

Shower
Drink glass of water
Drink glass of water
Drink glass of water
Drink glass of water
Stretch (2 mins)
Eat something


I break things down and make them simple and the redundant items let you cross one off when you do one, instead of having to wait until you complete the entire thing to see your progress. The order listed isn't important. Crossing off just one feels very very good.

Another thing I have done is set a timer and use that time to clean or exercise or whatever I don't feel like doing. Your cell phone should have a timer on it, right? It's okay to set it for 5 minutes and focus on just getting rid of bottles or anything you know you need to do but are having trouble doing. If 5 is too much try 2. I find that I often keep going after the timer rings. Even when I don't I can see the progress.

Music helps, greatly. Something up and positive though. Think work out music.

ntmu

YES! i'm sorry, maybe it's just the timing or something, but that advice helps a ton.

some of it is new to me & i know i will have to reread to remember what i'm supposed to do again, lol.

i think i should give it a try starting tomorrow morning and should honestly report back on how it goes.

yes, feel free to bug me about it if i don't report back.

YouRmySunshine

Yes, you should! It helps when you know you have to be accountable to someone else. Start with your Higher Power, then just say it to someone or just to us here!
Heres to a new day & new 24 hours!