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Old 02-05-2013, 10:32 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Feb 2013
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Desperately Looking for Solutions

I feel screwed. I am a 27 year old alcoholic who has been drinking too much for ten years. It has caused me legal problems and relationship problems. My life would have been different without alcohol.
I am scared. My boyfriend and I have been going through hardships that have been exasperated by my drinking. He does not drink. I do not drink socially; I drink vodka alone in my room.
Well, I drank so much I hurt him in a way that will change his life forever. I'm shocked he still talks to me. I gave up drinking forever at this point last month (after DUIs and breathalyzers and arrests and what not). I enrolled in an amazing group therapy program at Laguna Beach Hospital that is known for helping celebrities treat addiction and other problems that help feed addictions. It is stress/anxiety management, psychotherapy, psychiatric evaluation, coping skills, and addiction therapy. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to attend.
I never considered myself a 'true' alcoholic, just someone who binge drinks when they are in excessive pain. I swore this off on January 17th when I entered the program and was doing really well. I felt good about myself and felt like I was better prepared for life's curve balls. I was going to end treatment next week and continue about my happy life with a better, more mature head on my shoulders.
Today, i was hit with 2 particularly hard bits of news. One being the repercussions of what I did to my boyfriend, the other being the repercussions of what I did to my family while drunk. I have worked through all the guilt management in therapy/the past is in the past...well, it's not in the past; it's today and changing the future of the people I love. Changing our relationships. I am grief stricken as if someone has died.
Well, stupid me drove around town for a liquor store last night so that I could buy just one shooter of vodka for $1.29 and not go overboard. At 11PM they were all closed (welcome to Orange County). So I went to grocery store and bought the half pint for $4. Here I am repeating my stupid behavior because I'm in pain for what I did. I only had three shots but I feel like the biggest failure. I'm so ashamed and no one even knows yet. Al Anon has never worked for me. i don't know who my higher power is; and sitting there talking about alcohol makes me want to drink more. I've left Al Anon to go drink because it makes me crave it. I know I sound in denial but I never drink when I'm happy; I can go months without it until the down swing/things aren't going so well. I think my problem is depression and when I fix that it will in turn solve my drinking problem. So...I'm looking for resources to help me other than Alcoholics Anonymous. I know it works for many, but it is not going to work for me. I am willing to spend hours, weeks, months or longer in a program that will truly help me understand my addiction psychologically and help me gain control over it and move beyond it. My current program is 6 hours daily but obviously not enough as I just relapsed. If I tell them I drank I will be kicked out of the program. I need therapy and coping skills, as I use alcohol to cope instead of healthy activities. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am still young enough to where I can prevent this taking my entire life. but just when I feel in control, I'm right back where i started. Thank you for providing a forum where I can get honest feedback and not be judged. I am open to any suggestion, although I am convinced Al Anon is not the route for my recovery. Thank you.
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Old 02-05-2013, 10:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi RescueMe

when you say AlAnon do you mean AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)? cos they're not the same thing?

There are other recovery models outside the 12 steps tho - SMART, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, Women for Sobriety and SOS (Secular Organizations for Sobriety)all come to mind

You'll hear from others using some of those approaches here...I recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you're interested in a non 12 step approach.

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Old 02-05-2013, 10:48 PM   #3 (permalink)

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It doesnt sound like you are in denial to me.

Life can still be what you wanted I think. Maybe even better? Its not only the amount of time you put into sobriety its the quality of it. At least in my experience. Read about all the methods people use and decide from there. You can stay stopped!

Welcome to SR!
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:15 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Wow thank you for the quick reply I have really been beside myself. Yes, i was under the impression AA=AlAnon=Alcoholics Anonymous. I will definitely check into each one of these that you mentioned. I'll report back what I find. I was told AA 'changes the way you see so that you think differently' where as my current therapy 'changes the way you think so that you see differently; but I'm not really sure what that means. I have had glimpses of recovery and am scared and saddened at my weakness right now. Thank you so much! I'll let you know in the next few days what I've found from what you suggested.
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:48 PM   #5 (permalink)

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You said it yourself, "close the door"! So you slipped up, but this time you recognized it. Seems like progress is being made! I am the exact opposite of you. I have never drank when times were tough. I always needed a clear head to get through it. I overdrank when times were good.
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Old 02-05-2013, 11:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi RescueMe, and welcome.

I'm glad you will be looking at all your options.

I was one that spent a year with a counselor complaining about what other people did to me, and all the while I kept drinking. For some reason I was under the impression that if I exorcised my "demons", I would then be free to become a responsible drinker. Instead, my drinking worsened.

For me, nothing changed until I put the bottle down. I'm glad you have decided to change that. I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol, until I did it. The payoff has exceeded my expectations.

So, again, welcome...
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Old 02-06-2013, 06:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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yes, AA and therapy are a bit "opposite"....

whatever works for you, do it!
Someday it will all make sense, so laugh at confusion, smile through tears,
& remind yourself it All happens for a reason.

All Big Book quotes are from the 1st edition.
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Sober since May 16, 2011
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Old 02-06-2013, 07:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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A lot of people wind up in AA because nothing else worked. Before you dismiss it I would try it. Kind of like saying I know this medication will not work for me but I never used it.

It just might save you a ton of pain and money.
I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

Came back to life 7.24.2009
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Old 02-06-2013, 07:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome. You're on the right road here. Search around the forums. Lots of great information on this website. Empathetic ears, too. You're not the only one who drank alone in their room.
You will never possess what you choose not to pursue.
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addict , alcoholic , relapse , relapse advice , vodka

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