I feel screwed. I am a 27 year old alcoholic who has been drinking too much for ten years. It has caused me legal problems and relationship problems. My life would have been different without alcohol.
I am scared. My boyfriend and I have been going through hardships that have been exasperated by my drinking. He does not drink. I do not drink socially; I drink vodka alone in my room.
Well, I drank so much I hurt him in a way that will change his life forever. I'm shocked he still talks to me. I gave up drinking forever at this point last month (after DUIs and breathalyzers and arrests and what not). I enrolled in an amazing group therapy program at Laguna Beach Hospital that is known for helping celebrities treat addiction and other problems that help feed addictions. It is stress/anxiety management, psychotherapy, psychiatric evaluation, coping skills, and addiction therapy. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to attend.
I never considered myself a 'true' alcoholic, just someone who binge drinks when they are in excessive pain. I swore this off on January 17th when I entered the program and was doing really well. I felt good about myself and felt like I was better prepared for life's curve balls. I was going to end treatment next week and continue about my happy life with a better, more mature head on my shoulders.
Today, i was hit with 2 particularly hard bits of news. One being the repercussions of what I did to my boyfriend, the other being the repercussions of what I did to my family while drunk. I have worked through all the guilt management in therapy/the past is in the past...well, it's not in the past; it's today and changing the future of the people I love. Changing our relationships. I am grief stricken as if someone has died.
Well, stupid me drove around town for a liquor store last night so that I could buy just one shooter of vodka for $1.29 and not go overboard. At 11PM they were all closed (welcome to Orange County). So I went to grocery store and bought the half pint for $4. Here I am repeating my stupid behavior because I'm in pain for what I did. I only had three shots but I feel like the biggest failure. I'm so ashamed and no one even knows yet. Al Anon has never worked for me. i don't know who my higher power is; and sitting there talking about alcohol makes me want to drink more. I've left Al Anon to go drink because it makes me crave it. I know I sound in denial but I never drink when I'm happy; I can go months without it until the down swing/things aren't going so well. I think my problem is depression and when I fix that it will in turn solve my drinking problem. So...I'm looking for resources to help me other than Alcoholics Anonymous. I know it works for many, but it is not going to work for me. I am willing to spend hours, weeks, months or longer in a program that will truly help me understand my addiction psychologically and help me gain control over it and move beyond it. My current program is 6 hours daily but obviously not enough as I just relapsed. If I tell them I drank I will be kicked out of the program. I need therapy and coping skills, as I use alcohol to cope instead of healthy activities. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am still young enough to where I can prevent this taking my entire life. but just when I feel in control, I'm right back where i started. Thank you for providing a forum where I can get honest feedback and not be judged. I am open to any suggestion, although I am convinced Al Anon is not the route for my recovery. Thank you.