Omnom

Agree on the come down its so awful!!! Lol I'm not giving up on myself. I can do this I read somewhere that a high percentage of crack users who die kill themselves in the come down period. I can only i gains how much crack they had to smoke to get that bad. Worst feeling ever. Cry cry cry . Always try and remember that when I want to use. Cravings suck big time. My counselor said they only last 8 minutes. I call ******** on that one.

trikyriky

Omnom, I feel you, I'm now into day 10 , no crack. I / we can do this. The day after, my god , its the worst. Don't want to be there ever again, did it to many times. Financially I'm a wreck but how my AV used to trick me . It even convinced me to not pay the gas bill, said I could shower at mom's, cook in the microwave and use electric space heaters. WTF. Wishing you the best and praying for us both
God Bless

Omnom

Lol on the gas bill. Been there too. It's crazy how that high will make u do the stupidest ****.

Omnom

OMG I woke up this morning literally drooling for a hit. In my dream I was in my new apartment (Im moving into it next Wednesday the first) and I felt so happy cause I was free from watchful eyes. I had so many rocks in front of me and I felt like a million bucks.

Yeah so how is that good? All those rocks would have cost me like 500-600 bucks! I cant afford that. Its trying to trick me into thinking that because I am going back on my own I can handle doing it again. Yeah and then I will lose that apartment too. Grrrrrrrrr. I hate you dreams.

Im so scared!

Omnom

Other reasons I am scared are that the guy I used to use with may try and come back around. This guy I ADORE and LOVE with every fiber of my being still to this day (not the xanax guy I was just dating) When I lost my apartment and had to go stay with family we kind of took a back seat and he says its cause "He wants me to stay clean and get myself back together" He is the one that got me started to get to that spot in the first place. He calls or texts every week or two saying "you around" or Hey and I have been ignoring him. My family hates him so me going to see him for a cocktail or a ride is always suspicious to people in my life.

He knows that I got the place and that I move in on the 1st. Why? Because stupid me tells him. See I dont even have to get a response from him he knows and I know that he will be calling me shortly there after to come over and ""have a few beers" (yeah his beers will lead to calling a dealer etc) we dont have to talk or respond to eachother its just kinda like a hey there..


I need to develop a plan to either allow him back into my life without using and handing him over my money so he can get high or a way to not let him back in. Why did Mr. Xanax have to go away already.. Why couldnt he have waited till I was settled and feeling confident that Mr.Crackhead would stay away.

Ahhhhhh

Omnom

Day 11 today.... again... lol

today is a scary day.

I got paid today as I do every Thursday and a voice in my head is saying.. Get a piece!! get a piece after work!!

my other voice is saying You have rent to pay for the 1st. You get your new apartment in 6 days! You cant smoke crack today, tomorrow, next week. EVER!

It makes it alot easier to have all my money tied up right now because I dont have an option to give in. What will happen next Thursday when I get paid again and have extra cash.. Scary!! gotta get through today but I can tell im going to be battling with myself and thinking about that high ALL DAY LONG..

go away
go away
GO AWAY!!

Dib42

If you're moving, don't tell your "friends with hookups" where you're moving to. And get a new number for your phone.

I had a friend who was addicted to coke, snorting, then smoking, then shooting... He moved out of town, got cleaned up and sober. Was looking really good.

Came back to town on vacation to visit family, disapeared for a few weeks, missed his flight home, stayed in town for a few months longer, then was found outside a bar, died of an overdose.

Sad part is, he was a good guy a long time ago. The type of guy that would stay sober and drive all the drunks home at the end of the night, and not charge them or ask for favors in return, would not hit on any of the drunk women, a good dad and a good business man.
By the time he had died, his wife had left him, his kids hated him, he had stolen or cheated his friends and family out of their money. He had his business forclosed, he started doing side work, but would just charge deposits and then never finish or start the jobs. Had gotten beaten up for trying to rip off drug dealers.... it was a bad scene.

See at first he was buying through upscale dealers, quality stuff, "honest" dealers. Then he owed them too much money, he started buying from the scuzziest people on the earth.

As far as selling yourself, you may not look at it that way, but its very likely if you keep this path, you'll do something like that. I remember this one girl, she was probably about 20-24, very pretty, but you could tell that she used to be way more beautiful. She was living in a trailor, high out of her mind 24/7, and dating this 55 year old drug dealer, who was absolute trash, missing teeth, violent, dirty... and just a very bad person.
She wasn't "selling" herself, but she clearly was banging the guy because he had crack all the time. She could have been the wife of a lawyer, doctor, anyone really, she was arm candy, she could have lived in a beautiful house and never worked a day in her life... but instead she's in a run down trailor living with a toothless crack dealer old enough to be her father.

My advice - Don't do that first line, or take that first hit. and don't be around anyone doing it EVER!!! I've done it before, and that crap just makes you want more and more and more until you're broke.... Save your life, and don't take that first hit. 15minutes of fun isn't worth the hours or days of feinding.

Omnom

Thanks Dib. Yeah I havent told anyone where im going to be living. I already changed my number before.

Im 11 days in after a few attempts. Think this may be the final one though. I have alot going on with new opportunties for advancement at my job here and getting my new place next week. My money is all tied up so even if I tryed to find an excuse, I dont have the funds available anyway. I have made it pretty much impossible to use right now and if that is what I have to do for the next month or so I will. I feel like my head is slowly unfogging only after 11 days of pure clean brain activity and I can already feel my life motivation creeping back in. Im sure it will take longer to feel my full mental self again but it will be here.

Thats sad that that happened to that girl. I havent even been doing it a year and that stuff is my biggest fear. It just grabs a hold of you when your on it and takes off.

I like my old self before I started experimenting.. I AM a ambitious, driven, smart, kind, good hearted woman. Im hoping to continue to pull that girl I really am inside out more again day by day

tomsteve

one day at a time, my friend. ya only have to not use today.
dont let go of HOPE!

Richierich777

I think Healin understands this and John. When you read their post, it does make sense.

Omnom

I wish healin would get back. I'm worried about him. It's a battle or sure. Not sure who John is?

Omnom

I actually have 400 bucks on my person in cash right now. So easy to make a call. I won't my av is chirping. My apartment and getting my apartment is soooooo much more worth it. proud of myself today and yesterday and the past almost 2 weeks. It's amazing what ambition can do when I focus.

Omnom

I just did the stupidest thing tonight. I answered when my mr crackhead called me. He asked to me to pick him up as he was stuck somewhere. He always has a way to get to me.. I went.. He tryed to score while I was with him. Made calls etc. he failed as its late in the night. I think god was watching over me tonight. I would have used had he scored. He couldn't and got mad and asked me to drop him off. It was nice to see him I just wish he was on my page and Didnt want to use. This man is my downfall and I know it. He has a piece of my heart that no one will ever take. It's sad and unfortunate because I don't think he can be a part of my life after tonight unless he wants to stay clean too.

Thanking my lucky stars and going to bed now. Close call that I set myself up for.

sparky78

Hope all is well. You really need to stay away from him. When my ex went from doing coke to crack it was the biggest downward spiral I have ever seen. Once the drug has its full grips on you all your "yets" and more will come true. The drug is insidious and the crackworld is even worse once your immersed in it (which if you hang around with him long enough you will be a part of it even if you arent using). Plus its sounds like your a very sweet person & those people will literally eat you alive- you know how strong the drug is and you haven't even been doing it that long, can you imagine what its like after a year?? (If you make it that long). Please stay strong!

Richierich777

I would start a new post. People will cheer you on. Your doing the right thing in paying your bills and getting a fresh start. Save some money and after a while buy yourself something nice.

Omnom

I'm at 15 days I'm not looking back..

Richierich777

Good for you. 15 days is great. Do you like the New England area?

Omnom

It's nice up here. Very pretty in the fall. Yeah 15 days is my longest stretch. Feels good. Every next day is a little easier although I still think about the high all the time :/

Richierich777

My parents live in New Hampshire. Yeah it is nice when the leaves changes. I do a bit of work in the Boston and NH. About 10 degrees different from Virginia. Congrats on 15 days.

Omnom

I used to work in Boston. Newhampshire is beautiful.