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Old 08-22-2012, 08:09 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Louisville Ky
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new here! my story

I started doing narco's after my cousin (more like a brother to me) passed away. At first it was hard for me to deal with my cousins passing.. I feel somewhat responsible and I know that may sound stupid, but the guilt eats at me every waking hour/second of my life and I feel like I was his enabler and just cant get over the guilt.

Ever since I was in high school all I did was smoke weed..never really effected my everyday life, but I will admit I was selling anything and everything that would make me money (being young and dumb). Well my cousin became victim of oxy or OC that I was giving him. I totally understand I wasnt force feeding him, but he looked up to me!
I tried to stay positive after his death enrolled in college and graduated with a BA in computer science and lost 90+ pounds (all natural) and eventually all at once I became victim of opiate use! It felt like I was on top of the world at first...then lost my job.. my REAL friends.. and my girlfriend ive been dating since 8th grade!! It hurts so much thinking of all the people I have effected ex: Friends, co workers, and what really eats me up is everything my parents have done for me and how much I feel like I have let them down..and not just them but my whole family.. Never thought I would get hooked on such a drug! I am so ashamed of myself... My cousin died from an overdose of OC and xanax.. and here I am doing the same thing... Well not quite..

It all started with narcos..then when they were not getting the job done what do ya know a new drug opana comes out into the market...and by this time I am a full blown addict! Just about a year ago one of my friends witnessed and said he saw me passed out; no pulse or anything while me and him were on a drug rampage..Ill never forget him telling me that I had tooken xanax and opana..I acted dumb about the situation..but in all reality I knew exactly what I had done, and was pissed I was still alive. I know that sounds sad.. and I still guilt myself for even trying to attempt that! For now I know if my cousin were looking down on me he would slap the s*** out of me, and tell me he loves me and to get this s*** under control before it takes 2 of our familys lives! That would be the last thing my family needs is to grieve over another death due to drug overdose! I get scared sometimes to even tell my family.. they are all over achievers and failure is not an option! being one of 12 cousins..I always feel like im the black sheep of the family, and I sure do get the treatment as if im some bum and not living up to there standards..But s*** if I told them I was a drug addict Im pretty sure I would be out on the streets before I even finished the sentence! Im sure some people out there can relate to this situation..maybe! The thing is here in a big city I am always surronded with negative influences.. You cant even walk around the corner without someone offering you drugs!! After my cousins death I stopped selling drugs and eventually was the user! I guess I feel like I am filling in some type of guilt maybe!
I have detoxed many times! This past time was actually very successful 3+ months. I tried to do the whole recovery/detox at a local facility and I dont mean to come off like an as* h*** but it was trashy as hell in there. Most the patients were there just to have a place to lay there head for the night. To much negativity and trash. I have no health insurance, and no job due to this illness.. I feel like I have completely lost all hope.. but im to stubborn to give up!! I guess its just in my nature, but if anyone has some advice or some support it would be greatly appreciated. By the way I am a new user as of today and I look foward to speaking to the rest of the community. Thanks for your time.

Positive Vibes to all!
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:28 AM   #2 (permalink)

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Narcotic Anonymous is a great program to start! As the words imply it's anonymous and your family doesn't have to know anything at this point... You will be surrounded by people who are also recovering. It's a good idea to get phone numbers of people who inspire you-who have alot of time in the program and have had success-then when you are having a hard time-you can call on them anytime-and they will help you through the hard times-and you might even find a ride to a meeting! Also, getting a sponsor in the program is a must-Sponsors help you to understand the program and will help pull you through...good luck friend and stop beating yourself up-
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betterdayz86 (08-22-2012)
Old 08-22-2012, 12:20 PM   #3 (permalink)

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Hugs to you!
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betterdayz86 (08-22-2012)
Old 08-22-2012, 05:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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welcome betterdayz86

I'm sorry for your loss - and for your guilt.
I hope you've decided it's time to stop punishing yourself.

Everyone here has made mistakes and had regrets...but each of us has a great propensity to do good with our lives too - maybe it's time to embrace that now?

What are your plans to get sober and clean and stay that way?

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Lara (08-24-2012)
Old 08-23-2012, 12:35 PM   #5 (permalink)

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Louisville Ky
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Dee thanks for your support!! My plan for sobriety this time around is to get rid of those old so called friends if you get my drift... I spoke my peace with them in a kind manner and some were more understanding than others, but im not gonna let guilt get in the way this time.. I always feel bad like im abandoning them but in my heart I know if I wanna grow and be a productive citizen that what im doing is the best for me... I need to start working on me now! motivated! day 4 and I feel on top of the world.. well in a since i guess haha! thanks all for your support!
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Old 08-23-2012, 12:52 PM   #6 (permalink)

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Location: New England
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Good for you!! Taking out the trash is a great first step. Those so-called friends/drug buddies gotta go. Speaking of trash- you mentioned there was a lot of that at the facility you went to. I don't think you were an a-hole for saying that. But don't forget how those people probably got that way! It's the same road... just a little farther down. I have total faith that you can do this!! I hope you keep posting. This place is AMAZING and it's SO helpful to write on here and connect with others that get it.
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