new here! my story
I started doing narco's after my cousin (more like a brother to me) passed away. At first it was hard for me to deal with my cousins passing.. I feel somewhat responsible and I know that may sound stupid, but the guilt eats at me every waking hour/second of my life and I feel like I was his enabler and just cant get over the guilt.
Ever since I was in high school all I did was smoke weed..never really effected my everyday life, but I will admit I was selling anything and everything that would make me money (being young and dumb). Well my cousin became victim of oxy or OC that I was giving him. I totally understand I wasnt force feeding him, but he looked up to me!
I tried to stay positive after his death enrolled in college and graduated with a BA in computer science and lost 90+ pounds (all natural) and eventually all at once I became victim of opiate use! It felt like I was on top of the world at first...then lost my job.. my REAL friends.. and my girlfriend ive been dating since 8th grade!! It hurts so much thinking of all the people I have effected ex: Friends, co workers, and what really eats me up is everything my parents have done for me and how much I feel like I have let them down..and not just them but my whole family.. Never thought I would get hooked on such a drug! I am so ashamed of myself... My cousin died from an overdose of OC and xanax.. and here I am doing the same thing... Well not quite..
It all started with narcos..then when they were not getting the job done what do ya know a new drug opana comes out into the market...and by this time I am a full blown addict! Just about a year ago one of my friends witnessed and said he saw me passed out; no pulse or anything while me and him were on a drug rampage..Ill never forget him telling me that I had tooken xanax and opana..I acted dumb about the situation..but in all reality I knew exactly what I had done, and was pissed I was still alive. I know that sounds sad.. and I still guilt myself for even trying to attempt that! For now I know if my cousin were looking down on me he would slap the s*** out of me, and tell me he loves me and to get this s*** under control before it takes 2 of our familys lives! That would be the last thing my family needs is to grieve over another death due to drug overdose! I get scared sometimes to even tell my family.. they are all over achievers and failure is not an option! being one of 12 cousins..I always feel like im the black sheep of the family, and I sure do get the treatment as if im some bum and not living up to there standards..But s*** if I told them I was a drug addict Im pretty sure I would be out on the streets before I even finished the sentence! Im sure some people out there can relate to this situation..maybe! The thing is here in a big city I am always surronded with negative influences.. You cant even walk around the corner without someone offering you drugs!! After my cousins death I stopped selling drugs and eventually was the user! I guess I feel like I am filling in some type of guilt maybe!
I have detoxed many times! This past time was actually very successful 3+ months. I tried to do the whole recovery/detox at a local facility and I dont mean to come off like an as* h*** but it was trashy as hell in there. Most the patients were there just to have a place to lay there head for the night. To much negativity and trash. I have no health insurance, and no job due to this illness.. I feel like I have completely lost all hope.. but im to stubborn to give up!! I guess its just in my nature, but if anyone has some advice or some support it would be greatly appreciated. By the way I am a new user as of today and I look foward to speaking to the rest of the community. Thanks for your time.
Positive Vibes to all!