Armywife925

Ive been coming around for awhile now, I have a week back sober today. I've tried getting to know some of the women who are my age (23) and it seems to be extremely cliquey. It hurts to see all the girls my age hanging out together and laughing. I'll say in meetings that it hurts and it feels like no one cares. How hard is it to text/call back to check in? I'm talking to my sponsor about it and after I feel better. But when I go to a meeting and no one wants to sit next to me, it really hurts. I've also announced in meetings that if they aren't going to text or call me back let me know so I can delete your number. City meetings every single person wants to help you but up here in Westchester, it sucks.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry you're not connecting at meetings. I am not an AA person, but I know there is always lots of support here at SR.

Mizz

Hey there! Congratulations on 1 week. Awesome! I thought to myself after reading your post, I wouldnt want to be friends with women who do not want to be friends with me. It's wonderful that you are talking with your sponsor. Maybe these women are seeing if you'll stick around. A lot of people come and go in the rooms. As they say "Keep coming back", I believe friendship will come in time. PM me if ya want.

Mo S

I agree with the above; maybe they are seeing if you stick around. I had to "invite myself " to coffee a few times beforwe i waas accepted into the fold.
Another thing you can do is call them instead of waiting for them to call you- thats what new comers do. Maybe you can express by phone how lonely you are and are trying to make contacts.
I was fortunate many young people hung out at hte local diner. Maybe you can find the "hot spot" in your city and invite yourself. I wish you the best....givei t time....a wek in is not a long time. Good you have a sponsor- hold on tight!

miamifella

I had a similar experience in 12-step programs. That people have given you numbers is a big thing. (I would give mine out and not once got any back in return.)

For me going to meetings always felt lonely and a bit humiliating. Finally a turning point happened when I realized that I maybe I should not be looking to make friends in AA, etc. It made me be more open about my addiction with my non-addict friends who turned out to be unconditionally supportive.

I know that they say in AA that you cannot depend on other people for your recovery, but I think that is not really true. I think we all need the help of others--especially in the beginning.

Opening up to the people who cared about me was really when I started to find my path to recovery.

Elisabeth888

Women are cliquy in general I think. I am not. I like all kinds of people

I am sure there are women in the room that feel as you do.

Elisabeth888

I know some people frown on it, but I have a couple of guy friends in AA. We don't hang out alone or anything, but I count them as friends and value their advice.

CarolD

I'm glad you and your sponsor are connecting...:
Are you starting your Step work? That is when my recovery became solid

To make friends in AA....try helping with service work.
Go early...set up the chairs...stay late to help clean up.
Ask another woman to go for coffee after.
If she can't...ask another.

Good to know you are heading into a sober future..
.

Armywife925

Thanks, I've been invited to the diner now but part of me wants to protect myself and go to meet with a friend which I planned. But the other part says I should go and confront the girls who make me feel like I'm not involved. I don't drive and I know the ring leader lives where I'm going but I get no help. I've talked to other people in the same meeting who feel the same way. What happened to being nice?

Elisabeth888

This is just my opinion, but don't point out that they uninclude you or that you feel left out. It makes things uncomfortable.

Sounds like you are starting fresh! Just go with the flow. Have fun at dinner!

desertsong

Well, you know what they say ... some are sicker than others.

Maybe it gives this person a feeling of acceptance and confidence to feel like she can control/manipulate others. Maybe she is insecure and fearful deep inside and by making others feel left out, it gives her some power. I'm learning not to take this stuff personally anymore; if someone doesn't like me, it probably has more to do with them than it does with me. I don't give them the power to hurt my feelings anymore.

If this woman is having the same effect on other people, then the problem clearly is with her. She doesn't sound like a very warm, friendly person so what could be gained by confronting her other than creating an even bigger rift between the two of you? Perhaps you can link up with some of those other people in the meeting who feel the same way as you do and enjoy their company instead?

Armywife925

I've been doing AA for awhile - 3rd time around. Im afraid people are going to rip me apart along w my character defects. I've been through complete hell in AA and I'm tired of it. I'm still sober despite all the politics. A guy said in a meeting this morning that he's met a lot more sober aholes in the rooms than drunk ones and sadly it's true. I've been trying to see it with an open mind and been calling people. The only ones that are reaching back are older women which is great! I've had a traumatic childhood and feel more safe w older women. It just sucks that the women are ridiculously cliquey.

Elisabeth888

I have always had older friends. Maybe we are more mature

Jitterbugg

It's 'hit and miss' with various AA meetings. I've been to some where I was the only person under the age of 70 and others where it was all native-indians. Is that the only meeting in your area?

jobei

We will all sit next to you... in a virtual sense!

gordano

Can you check out another AA group? Just like you have to shop around for a counselor or therapist that you are compatible with, you will probably need to do the same for AA.

Sapling

Sounds like you might want to put Westchester on your fourth step...How's your fourth step going by the way? You know there is another way you can look at this. You could keep an eye out for newcomers coming in for their first meetings and introducing yourself to them...Invite them out for coffee...Make a friend with someone that doesn't know anybody...That would be pretty cool wouldn't it? Keep moving forward Armywife925...Don't drink today and do the next right thing.

Armywife925

Since I relapsed a week ago, I started w a new sponsor and back at step one with her. My 4th took me out. I've been going to different meetings. Since my whole honesty rant in the meeting this morning, I got a text from someone else that was for one of the other girls telling her not to talk about how to deal w me to the group of girls I have a problem with. It really hurts to get that text, thinking people are talking about me behind my back. What I said in the meeting was geared towards them and I didn't name names but I made it pretty damn clear who I was talking about. I'm happy I can rely on the people on SR. What does PM mean? I've gone to other meetings where I'm the youngest and the next youngest is 70.

Elisabeth888

private message.

I would check out a different meeting. I could not focus on my recovery with that malarky going on.

Mizz

Its not my business what others think of me. It is my business to do the work that is in front of me and to stick with a program of sobriety that works. We are here for ya