Young women in AA are very cliquey
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
[QUOTE=miamifella;3426130]jstar--
I think that it is unfair to say that Armywife is trying to "tell her life story" to random people in the program. She is just trying to get people in the program to talk to her.
/QUOTE]
Miamifella...I meant no disrespect to armywife...look a few posts up to #32 & you can see I was only quoting what she said herself.
I have been a newcomer myself off & on for the last 2 years and I understand how it feels. It's scary to walk into a room of strangers anywhere.
Focus on "you" and the friendships will follow, they really do, but it's not overnight.
All my best
I think that it is unfair to say that Armywife is trying to "tell her life story" to random people in the program. She is just trying to get people in the program to talk to her.
/QUOTE]
Miamifella...I meant no disrespect to armywife...look a few posts up to #32 & you can see I was only quoting what she said herself.
I have been a newcomer myself off & on for the last 2 years and I understand how it feels. It's scary to walk into a room of strangers anywhere.
Focus on "you" and the friendships will follow, they really do, but it's not overnight.
All my best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 57
I've been reaching out to those people who dont include me, this morning I'm trying a women's meeting I've never been to before. This one creepy dude came up to me yesterday and told me I need therapy then gave me homework after I expressed that therapy nowadays is expensive and I don't drive or take trains so it's not going to happen anytime soon.
Thanks to miamifella for backing me up. Friends don't happen overnight but I've been here for the third time now and it really pains me that now only three people will sit next to me. I've talked to three of them who were nice from the start.
The whole perception thing w is it ONLY me thats creating these situations in my head, no. I have been approached by other people in the meetings who've felt the same way w the same group of girls. Yes, I'm really sensitive and I overreact but there's a fine line between being nice and civil all the time and being bipolar. The ring leader will be all happy and giggly and when I walk in or close to them, she does it even more. I've noticed and do other people.
Thanks to miamifella for backing me up. Friends don't happen overnight but I've been here for the third time now and it really pains me that now only three people will sit next to me. I've talked to three of them who were nice from the start.
The whole perception thing w is it ONLY me thats creating these situations in my head, no. I have been approached by other people in the meetings who've felt the same way w the same group of girls. Yes, I'm really sensitive and I overreact but there's a fine line between being nice and civil all the time and being bipolar. The ring leader will be all happy and giggly and when I walk in or close to them, she does it even more. I've noticed and do other people.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Sapling 
It's not for everyone miamifella....I've met great friends in AA...Best I've ever had...And it's kept me sober 11 months. I couldn't ask for more than than that.
For the record: women are cliquey and mean. When I came around two years ago, there was a group of young people who invited everyone out to the diner then when I asked to go, they said no. It took me out and I didn't go back for two years. Guess what? The ring leader was a female. Do the math.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
If you are like me you focus on who doesnt like you as opposed to those in front of you with open arms. AA isnt high school. You dont have to hang with your age group. Stick with the women and stick with the winners. I went back to drinking and messed up a great friendship i had with a woman old enough to be my mom. Shes been sober for 30 years. She has gotten so many other people sober but her one rule is "i wont babysit a drunk" Oh well thats my junk.
Focus on your recovery. Sadly alot of people get up to their elbows in AA and then jump ship (like me because i thought i was cured). Find a long termer and grow.
Focus on your recovery. Sadly alot of people get up to their elbows in AA and then jump ship (like me because i thought i was cured). Find a long termer and grow.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
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If you think this is bad, you should see alanon 
sorry, couldn't resist.
Some good advice from the folks here. Where there is work to be done, be it on your recovery or in helping with the objectives of the organization, that's a great way to focus on things non-cliqe related. That said, every meeting is different, the folks are different, shopping around might be the thing. My deepest sense is to pay attention to the older folks that have some sober time; what you are doing is important and your success is vital---folks serious about the mission and uninterested in social BS might be just the ticket...usually its older and more invested individuals who are like this. I'm pulling my advice from the workplace rather then AA, but I think it applies.
Be sure to invest in the progress of the other folks they are doing this to, btw.
sorry, couldn't resist.
Some good advice from the folks here. Where there is work to be done, be it on your recovery or in helping with the objectives of the organization, that's a great way to focus on things non-cliqe related. That said, every meeting is different, the folks are different, shopping around might be the thing. My deepest sense is to pay attention to the older folks that have some sober time; what you are doing is important and your success is vital---folks serious about the mission and uninterested in social BS might be just the ticket...usually its older and more invested individuals who are like this. I'm pulling my advice from the workplace rather then AA, but I think it applies.
Be sure to invest in the progress of the other folks they are doing this to, btw.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Armywife925
Did it happen overnight? Were they always nice to you? Are you a dude - guys tend to be more welcoming towards another dude.
For the record: women are cliquey and mean. When I came around two years ago, there was a group of young people who invited everyone out to the diner then when I asked to go, they said no. It took me out and I didn't go back for two years. Guess what? The ring leader was a female. Do the math.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you seem to be very good at taking other peoples inventory, now how bout doin it to yourself.what is your primary reason for goin to AA? whats yer part in it??? do you like it when other people tell you what THEY think you should do??? has your sponsor been shovin yer nose in the BB?? the problem isnt anyone but YOU. and the solution only involves you and your higher power. do you want to stay in the insanity and pity party or get in the solution? if ya want the solution, turn to pg 60 and start reading at last paragraph. it was written especially for you.
we MUST remove the other people involved in our resentments and look for our own mistakes or we will drink again.
no where is there anything that says everyone at a meeting is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. we are sick people gettin weller.
i am willng to bet the older woman you have been hanging with have been giving you the solution, but ya still got cotton in yer ears.
we MUST remove the other people involved in our resentments and look for our own mistakes or we will drink again.
no where is there anything that says everyone at a meeting is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. we are sick people gettin weller.
i am willng to bet the older woman you have been hanging with have been giving you the solution, but ya still got cotton in yer ears.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 57
Um wow... Loss of words ^. I've said before, again, that I am sensitive and overreact. I've been struggling a lot and I don't know why it's so hard to explain that in a forum. Last time I checked, I wanted advice not to have people posting telling me my character defects. It's no ones part except for mine. I'm still on step one until my sponsor tells me otherwise. I might be taking things really personally but honestly, who doesn't? There's usually a few nerves people hit when they talk to you. Some let it go and some let it linger. I'm a human being, I have feelings, I hurt - its normal. My part: I let it get to me, I shouldn't be so effin sensitive, I should "stick w the winners" who are mature, middle aged and have a sh*t load of time. This whole AA friendship deal does not happen overnight and might not happen for awhile. I am focusing on my program and am doing really well w step work. Building a network is also part of the deal unfortunately when you turn your life over to a HP. I've gone to a lot of meetings and been told the same thing: women are mean and don't drink.
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Originally Posted by Armywife925
I've gone to a lot of meetings and been told the same thing: women are mean and don't drink.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
turn to page 60 and start reading. you will see alot of you written there.
we gotta get over the sensitivity or we just wont get sober.
keep comin back!!! and work the program 'cause yer worth it!
we gotta get over the sensitivity or we just wont get sober.
keep comin back!!! and work the program 'cause yer worth it!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I really wish that just a bunch of words thrown together would work.. For the last time : Ive been going to different meetings. I'm apologizing for Westchester AA that they don't have more meetings. I'm sorry I don't drive. Im sorry I'm sensitive. I'm sorry I have feelings. I'm sorry I'm human. I'm sorry I even wrote this post. I'm sorry for all the posts I wrote to try to get help. I'm sorry for opening up. I'm sorry that I'm breathing - instead of making me feel like a piece of sh*t, why don't you try giving me advice that works bc I've tried everything. I don't invite myself places bc it always turns out bad. I don't harass girls who don't want anything to do with me. I sit in the back at meetings and get literally yelled at for it.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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Armywife, you don't need to be sorry for any of that stuff you are saying you are sorry for: it is not helping you get your point across, and it's really cranking up the drama queen factor.
You started out this thread with a pretty strong and unkind remark: "young women in AA are cliquey". that's not only a sweeping generalization that may not be true, it's not very nice.
"I don't invite myself to places bc it always turns out bad" - come on. that is path of future destruction thinking: who knows how things are going to turn out?
If these girls are truly cliquey...and, it's hard to say because your evaluation is based on assumptions: they won't sit next to you....really? How can you be sure of that?
They laugh together. That was indication of what: they don't like you?
I think it's pretty harsh to announce at a meeting that if someone doesn't call or text you back, please let you know so you can delete their number.
I'm pretty bad about texting people back and calling them back: it doesn't mean I am ignoring or snubbing people. It means I am bad at calling and texting back.
You started out this thread with a pretty strong and unkind remark: "young women in AA are cliquey". that's not only a sweeping generalization that may not be true, it's not very nice.
"I don't invite myself to places bc it always turns out bad" - come on. that is path of future destruction thinking: who knows how things are going to turn out?
If these girls are truly cliquey...and, it's hard to say because your evaluation is based on assumptions: they won't sit next to you....really? How can you be sure of that?
They laugh together. That was indication of what: they don't like you?
I think it's pretty harsh to announce at a meeting that if someone doesn't call or text you back, please let you know so you can delete their number.
I'm pretty bad about texting people back and calling them back: it doesn't mean I am ignoring or snubbing people. It means I am bad at calling and texting back.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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Well, I guess I've been too hard on you armywife. It's not for me to tell you what you are doing wrong or right - that's your inventory. I don't mean for my posts to be mean spirited.
Try to give the girls a chance, keep your chin up and try to stay positive.
We are all suffering in various ways: each of those girls has a story. With time you may hear their stories and see that it's not easy for any of us.
You are doing all the right things: you have a sponsor, you are going to meetings, reading the BB and sharing. You are doing a good job! Time is a great healer and I hope you sort out this social situation so it works for everyone.
Try to give the girls a chance, keep your chin up and try to stay positive.
We are all suffering in various ways: each of those girls has a story. With time you may hear their stories and see that it's not easy for any of us.
You are doing all the right things: you have a sponsor, you are going to meetings, reading the BB and sharing. You are doing a good job! Time is a great healer and I hope you sort out this social situation so it works for everyone.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Armywife:
Well, I'm going to tell you something that nobody else here has mentioned: you don't need to go to AA to get sober. You may need or want social support, but that is available in other ways, including SR, and through other support groups such as Women For Sobriety (Women for Sobriety, Inc.), SMART Recovery, LifeRing, etc.
I will also say that female cliquishness in AA is not in your imagination. I spent many years in AA, and found that it was fairly common if not universal.
Well, I'm going to tell you something that nobody else here has mentioned: you don't need to go to AA to get sober. You may need or want social support, but that is available in other ways, including SR, and through other support groups such as Women For Sobriety (Women for Sobriety, Inc.), SMART Recovery, LifeRing, etc.
I will also say that female cliquishness in AA is not in your imagination. I spent many years in AA, and found that it was fairly common if not universal.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Again, it feels like there are many different programs. Here people are saying that if the newcomer is open, then the group will be welcoming. I see it written here so often that I think it must be true somewhere.
But that is not how the program is practiced everywhere. I spent over seven years in three cities attending dozens of different meetings and the only people who would speak to me were the ones who came up to me to do the critique of my shares.
Strangely enough, now years later when I run into the folk who I could never get to talk to me at meetings, they are quite warm. At meetings I got maybe a grunt or a monosyllable. In the grocery store years later they are easier to engage.
I think part of the issue is that in many of these groups the people knew each other from before sobriety. They were club and bar people and spent a good deal of time with each other socially outside of meetings. They were clinging to each other perhaps out of their own desperation maybe...I do not know.
But rather than dismiss what armywife and I are saying, why not take action to prove us wrong? Why not talk to someone you never spoke to before at the next meeting? Do you always give your number in return when some new person gives you theirs? Why not just do it? If a large group is going out after a meeting, why not invite the new person?
If this becomes the thread full of complaints and self-justifications, it is pointless. But if it makes someone decide to more actively help another addict/alcoholic, it is worthwhile.
But that is not how the program is practiced everywhere. I spent over seven years in three cities attending dozens of different meetings and the only people who would speak to me were the ones who came up to me to do the critique of my shares.
Strangely enough, now years later when I run into the folk who I could never get to talk to me at meetings, they are quite warm. At meetings I got maybe a grunt or a monosyllable. In the grocery store years later they are easier to engage.
I think part of the issue is that in many of these groups the people knew each other from before sobriety. They were club and bar people and spent a good deal of time with each other socially outside of meetings. They were clinging to each other perhaps out of their own desperation maybe...I do not know.
But rather than dismiss what armywife and I are saying, why not take action to prove us wrong? Why not talk to someone you never spoke to before at the next meeting? Do you always give your number in return when some new person gives you theirs? Why not just do it? If a large group is going out after a meeting, why not invite the new person?
If this becomes the thread full of complaints and self-justifications, it is pointless. But if it makes someone decide to more actively help another addict/alcoholic, it is worthwhile.
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Originally Posted by miamifella
But rather than dismiss what armywife and I are saying, why not take action to prove us wrong?
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