Young women in AA are very cliquey
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Sorry about the relapse...That fourth step is a good one...I had to pray my way through that one. But you have to have step one done first. You know....I'm not sure I'd want to be a part of this group you are talking about...It doesn't like people working a very good program....You might be better off sticking with the winners and helping newcomers...Staying close to your sponsor and moving on with the steps...Take care of yourself....I don't think you need the drama...Just concentrate on not drinking today and moving forward. I'm wishing you the best Armywife925...I'd like to see you make it...I'll say a prayer for strength for you...Hang in there.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You know, when I found recovery I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday and back then I was one of the 'youngest' in some of my meetings. In other meetings there were folks my age, however, they all seemed to be in the same boat I was in and were also floundering.
I pretty quickly realized, since I had already died in the ER that I better find some people that not only knew how this 'program' worked but were living it. That meant I went to the 'older' women, lol They were the ones that HELPED me. I knew if I could 'get this' that there would be time later for 'fun' and 'doing things' with folks my age.
My sponsor was 16 years sober and 14 years older than me. My grand sponsor was in her 60's and had 33 years sober. I learned so much from those two women and others like them in the program. They were the ones, that not only guided me through the steps but then were very patient with me as I learned how to LIVE those steps on a daily basis.
It was a few months until the fog lifted and the mush started to disappear out of my brain, and it then became even more clear that I was there to save my life and my azz. Fun would come later.
I would suggest you find some 'Women's meetings' and listen for the women that walk the way they talk. My sponsor told me to stick with the women. My attitude was wtf?? Women were nothing but back stabbing biotches and I really didn't want any part of them, but because I was still so fearful of dying, I listened.
I can honestly tell you today, that it was those 'older' women that SAVED MY AZZ. Without them I would have been toast and buried in the ground.
So maybe for now, listen to those 'older' women with some great ES&H, they too might just SAVE YOUR AZZ.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I pretty quickly realized, since I had already died in the ER that I better find some people that not only knew how this 'program' worked but were living it. That meant I went to the 'older' women, lol They were the ones that HELPED me. I knew if I could 'get this' that there would be time later for 'fun' and 'doing things' with folks my age.
My sponsor was 16 years sober and 14 years older than me. My grand sponsor was in her 60's and had 33 years sober. I learned so much from those two women and others like them in the program. They were the ones, that not only guided me through the steps but then were very patient with me as I learned how to LIVE those steps on a daily basis.
It was a few months until the fog lifted and the mush started to disappear out of my brain, and it then became even more clear that I was there to save my life and my azz. Fun would come later.
I would suggest you find some 'Women's meetings' and listen for the women that walk the way they talk. My sponsor told me to stick with the women. My attitude was wtf?? Women were nothing but back stabbing biotches and I really didn't want any part of them, but because I was still so fearful of dying, I listened.
I can honestly tell you today, that it was those 'older' women that SAVED MY AZZ. Without them I would have been toast and buried in the ground.
So maybe for now, listen to those 'older' women with some great ES&H, they too might just SAVE YOUR AZZ.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by Armywife925 
Since I relapsed a week ago, I started w a new sponsor and back at step one with her. My 4th took me out. I've been going to different meetings. Since my whole honesty rant in the meeting this morning, I got a text from someone else that was for one of the other girls telling her not to talk about how to deal w me to the group of girls I have a problem with. It really hurts to get that text, thinking people are talking about me behind my back. What I said in the meeting was geared towards them and I didn't name names but I made it pretty damn clear who I was talking about. I'm happy I can rely on the people on SR. What does PM mean? I've gone to other meetings where I'm the youngest and the next youngest is 70.
Reading your thread & comments, I can see how you can feel like the women are in a clique at the meetings & they probably are. This is something however that comes with time. Did you ever think that maybe they are like that because they all see eachother at the same meetings all the time & have maybe gotten to know each other over a length of time? 10 days isn't a long time and it sounds like you are angry with these girls for having friends.
I'll tell you one way to NOT make any friends in AA is to go to a meeting and share about other people in the room or the program, whether they have upset you or not.
If no one is calling you, do you call them? When you are early in sobriety you have to be the one sometimes to reach out & ask for help. Invite yourself to the diner (as someone else suggested) BUT if you do go to the diner, that's not really the place to go have an argument with anyone about how you think they should treat you. Almost everyone in AA is there with baggage of the same feelings you have, try to be a little more patient with others & yourself. Friendship doesn't happen overnight like it does when you are a kid.
I hope you keep going to AA despite anyone else. Recovery is for YOU
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 57
As I've said before: I have been around the third time. I have talked to people older than me. I'm going to different meetings. I talk to my sponsor. I won't drink over it. I've been calling and they don't call back.
Yes, it wasn't a good idea but I needed to get it out. I have called the girls that I do get along with and thanked them for their ongoing unconditional support. I have been reaching out to older women. Like everyone else, I have my own trust issues.
The ring leader invited me out and I felt like a dumbsh*t saying no but I have to protect myself at the same time.
Yes, it wasn't a good idea but I needed to get it out. I have called the girls that I do get along with and thanked them for their ongoing unconditional support. I have been reaching out to older women. Like everyone else, I have my own trust issues.
The ring leader invited me out and I felt like a dumbsh*t saying no but I have to protect myself at the same time.
Grateful AA member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
I agree Armywife. Where I just moved the meetings in my town are cliques and judgement central. I do not have a car either and it makes it hard to get around but when I can I try other meetings and some are better than others. I guess even if you take the alcohol away doesnt change everyones behavior. Good luck at finding your niche.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Armywife925
As I've said before: I have been around the third time. I have talked to people older than me. I'm going to different meetings. I talk to my sponsor. I won't drink over it. I've been calling and they don't call back.
Yes, it wasn't a good idea but I needed to get it out. I have called the girls that I do get along with and thanked them for their ongoing unconditional support. I have been reaching out to older women. Like everyone else, I have my own trust issues.
The ring leader invited me out and I felt like a dumbsh*t saying no but I have to protect myself at the same time.
Yes, it wasn't a good idea but I needed to get it out. I have called the girls that I do get along with and thanked them for their ongoing unconditional support. I have been reaching out to older women. Like everyone else, I have my own trust issues.
The ring leader invited me out and I felt like a dumbsh*t saying no but I have to protect myself at the same time.
Why don't you just commit to working the program...Forget all the sideshow crap you have going on...Get with your sponsor and work the steps. That's where you make it or break it. Laurie is right...Fun will come later...It's time to work. If that's what you want.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
Your priority is to stay sober. Try going without expectations and you won't be disappointed. Dependence in all things was my main problem. Take what you need from the meetings, try to stay focused and the rest will fall in place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I agree that it is hard to "just forget it." In meetings and in forums like this one people talk a lot about how they have so many friends in AA or how close they are to people in the program etc. All of this accompanied by an insistence that everyone in the program is friendly and welcoming.
For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually, I realized that people spoke their aspirations rather than their reality. But it was still pretty painful and meetings still felt pretty miserable.
For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually, I realized that people spoke their aspirations rather than their reality. But it was still pretty painful and meetings still felt pretty miserable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 57
THANK YOU MIAMIFELLA. I can't stress it enough that it is extremely hard to dump yourself on someone and your story. Someone said this morning that our primary purpose is to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. I think everyone should leave their attitudes and selfishness at the door.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
For a long time I thought that since meetings felt so bad, that they had to be good for me. But I think I wasted a lot of time because of that.
I hope this experience can open doors outside of AA rather than closing doors within it. I think my expectation that I could call on people in the program for help was unrealistic. Sometimes you make friends and sometimes you don't. Sharing an addiction to alcohol or some other substance does not mean that someone will want to talk to you.
But I bet there are people you can call on. They just might not be in AA.
I hope this experience can open doors outside of AA rather than closing doors within it. I think my expectation that I could call on people in the program for help was unrealistic. Sometimes you make friends and sometimes you don't. Sharing an addiction to alcohol or some other substance does not mean that someone will want to talk to you.
But I bet there are people you can call on. They just might not be in AA.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I walked into AA I was a broken man...Totally beaten by alcohol...I wasn't looking for friends...I wasn't looking for people to hang out with...I wasn't looking for people to feel sorry for me...All I wanted was someone to help me stop drinking because it was killing me. I was willing to do whatever they told me I needed to do....And they helped me...With alot more than my drinking problem...They showed me how to live...And I am forever grateful for that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I agree Anna...If it's not working for you...Find something that does...If you can't find something that does...The nice thing about AA is...It isn't going anywhere. It's there if you ever really need it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by Armywife925
It's a helluva lot easier saying "just forget it" than actually doing it.
You are allowing all this drama to get in the way of what really matters. You have a sponsor, super! Your sponsor is the one you should be "dumping" (as you said) your story on, just because people are there at an AA meeting, doesn't mean they are there for you to tell your life story to, they may have their own issues too. When you share your story, i've been told to find someone I can trust to tell my details to.
Look for the similarities you have with others at the meetings, not the differences.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
jstar--
I think that it is unfair to say that Armywife is trying to "tell her life story" to random people in the program. She is just trying to get people in the program to talk to her.
Personally, my experience in early recovery was very lonely. I did not know anyone in the town where I was living and if even just one or two people had been willing to talk to me outside of meetings it would have helped.
Of course you cannot command people to be friendly. But I think if people reading this thread would just talk to new people--and give your phone number in return when someone offers theirs--it could really helps others more than you know.
Often newcomers do not need critiques--they need a welcome. I know that I was often approached with a list of critiques about how I shared. But that only made me more afraid. An invitation to talk by phone or to go out for coffee would have helped a lot more.
I think that it is unfair to say that Armywife is trying to "tell her life story" to random people in the program. She is just trying to get people in the program to talk to her.
Personally, my experience in early recovery was very lonely. I did not know anyone in the town where I was living and if even just one or two people had been willing to talk to me outside of meetings it would have helped.
Of course you cannot command people to be friendly. But I think if people reading this thread would just talk to new people--and give your phone number in return when someone offers theirs--it could really helps others more than you know.
Often newcomers do not need critiques--they need a welcome. I know that I was often approached with a list of critiques about how I shared. But that only made me more afraid. An invitation to talk by phone or to go out for coffee would have helped a lot more.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Armywife in this situation: is it only their fault? Are you waiting for them to include you? Are you expecting them to come forward, reach out to you?
What about reaching out to them: ask one of them out for coffee. If they don't call back, don't create an internal story in your head that you are being rejected: call them again. And again.
If someone doesn't sit next to you, does that mean they are deliberately excluding you? Or, do they have a favorite chair somewhere? (I sit in the same chair in one of my meetings, for 4 years now! I don't sit anywhere else)
How much of your perception that they are cliquey based on your fears and fear of rejection, how much of it is reality?
The program challenges us to look at ourselves, and all our character defects. When you feel rejected by someone: ask yourself if it is real, or if it is a character defect in operation: your fear of loss of prestige, fear of rejection, a self-fulfilling prophecy that you are unwanted. Is it possible you are doing a little bit of that?
If it is real, then don't pass judgement and dismiss them as cliquey: it simply means they still have a lot of healing to do, they may be in AA, but they may have a lot of work left to do with the steps.
We don't all become magically healed when we step over the threshold into an AA meeting, it comes quickly and it comes slowly.
What about reaching out to them: ask one of them out for coffee. If they don't call back, don't create an internal story in your head that you are being rejected: call them again. And again.
If someone doesn't sit next to you, does that mean they are deliberately excluding you? Or, do they have a favorite chair somewhere? (I sit in the same chair in one of my meetings, for 4 years now! I don't sit anywhere else)
How much of your perception that they are cliquey based on your fears and fear of rejection, how much of it is reality?
The program challenges us to look at ourselves, and all our character defects. When you feel rejected by someone: ask yourself if it is real, or if it is a character defect in operation: your fear of loss of prestige, fear of rejection, a self-fulfilling prophecy that you are unwanted. Is it possible you are doing a little bit of that?
If it is real, then don't pass judgement and dismiss them as cliquey: it simply means they still have a lot of healing to do, they may be in AA, but they may have a lot of work left to do with the steps.
We don't all become magically healed when we step over the threshold into an AA meeting, it comes quickly and it comes slowly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 32
awe, girl i know how you feel. when i first started going to meetings back in october, i felt the same way. then i realized it was because i was sitting there with an unwelcoming expression, so no wonder why no one came to talk to me. i didnt want anyone bothering me. have you walked up to them and said hello? the more you go back, the more likely they'll open up. it might also be because people in the program are so used to seeing people come and go, ya kno? i'm around your age, and i've always gravitated towards the guys more than the girls. im just more comfortable around them. i think they help me more than the women do sometimes. thats another suggestion for you. take care! xo
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