Coming back for good!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Rachel don't be so tough on yourself. You did great- and the most important thing is not only did you not drink, you didn't want to drink.
I kind of agree with Dee though, just be careful getting into situations that could jeopardize your progress. I declined a REALLY important wedding invitation because I was almost sure I'd drink and do whatever other drugs were there. But my friends understood my reasoning and it was worth the sacrifice.
In any case, keep up the good work.
I kind of agree with Dee though, just be careful getting into situations that could jeopardize your progress. I declined a REALLY important wedding invitation because I was almost sure I'd drink and do whatever other drugs were there. But my friends understood my reasoning and it was worth the sacrifice.
In any case, keep up the good work.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Today is the beginning of day 8. I am now on to uncharted waters. It feels really good, I'm doing the dam* thing, no excuses, no listening to the AV. I am really happy that I'm giving myself a good chance at sobriety and not throwing it away everytime it feels hard.
And boy, has this week been tough. Car accident, drinking party, lots of petty fights with husband, etc, I don't normally deal with this much when I'm using. The reason why I didn't post here yesterday evening is because my husband and I had a pretty good sized argument, again over stupid stuff (I wanted him to come celebrate my week with me by cooking out a small dinner on the porch, he came out but with a really sour mood, I got upset, very stupid), it escalated to the point of him saying he was going to get his own place.
This sent me over the edge, I ended up leaving and picking up one of my friends, driving around. Oh I heard the AV loud and clear and welcomed it, I didn't care, was ready to give everything up. I wondered what's the point, I wanted to get drunk/smoke anything to take me out of my head and this horrible week. This friend that I picked up smokes weed heavily, but fortunately she is a very good friend and even though I knew she would smoke with me if I really was serious about asking her (because I was close to begging her to smoke with me)....she talked me down. She told me I didn't want it, and as bad as it sounded like I wanted to at that moment, she knew that it wasn't me she told me how sincere I was when I've been talking with her over the last few months. She reminded me how bad I would feel about using in the morning and that more that likely everything husband said was out of anger and frustration. I told her I wanted to get drunk and high and didn't care how I felt in the morning. As she talked to me I came to my senses....I knew it wouldn't punish him by me getting messed up...she said my self-esteem would be in the trash again on top of the other problems. I'm SO glad she was the one I picked up, I love this chick.
I ended up coming home after a few hours, my husband and I talked for a long time, afterwards I came to log on the computer and lo and behold, while I was gone, my husband posted some very DARK thoughts on facebook, he wrote it out of anger and frustration not thinking about the **** it would cause. Even though he didn't mention me, people assume things, so now people think we have major problems and that Michael is about to off himself because of it. He had tons of messages that were about me, without actually mentioning me. The things that happened years ago, in a small town, people don't easily forget...I'm not from here and he is, so people have always sided with him, he is a very lovable guy and a very good person and people don't know me as well as him so since the clubbing days people have naturally assumed I'm a bad person and that he deserves better (which he probably does, but lucky for me, he loves me). Then all that paled when I talked to him about WHAT he wrote.
This is where my blinders came off and I realize exactly how selfish and self-absorbed addiction is. It was an eye-opening experience and not a good one. I've heard my husband say off the wall things before about how he would rather be dead than have to pay bills and worry about money, I don't think he intends on doing anything to himself, he is a scaredy-cat with horrible health anxiety and worries about death and sickness, as he said last night....but to even have the thoughts is really disturbing to me. It must've been serious if he cried out for help on facebook. I realize I've made far too many things about me, using and drinking, and even here in sobriety, I'm making it all about me again. After he sorted out his fb post and retracted it, we talked for several more hours into the night. I told him I'm contacting his doctor today. He's on an anti-depressant and has NOT been taking it right, he keeps changing his dosage and even went off of it last week, which probably has a lot to do with his feelings, he went back on it a couple of days ago, but it hasn't kicked fully in yet, hence his very dark feelings last night.
I realize life is more than me and my feelings. The good thing is, I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to use/drink, after we talked I realized some things in life I've really been not paying attention to in the way I should. It strengthened my resolve in another way in knowing that I have to be strong to help my husband, he needs me and my clear head. I was so glad I didn't use/drink last night because I found out a lot about the feelings he has kept bottled up....I was so glad I could take in everything he was saying to me and absorb it in the way I should. We are going to talk to his doctor today, and figure out if we need to change his medicine to something more effective that doesn't have the side effects of this particular antidepressant, hence why he keeps messing with the dosage.
So, no, I didn't celebrate my week anniversary, the longest time I've been sober, in the way I wanted to. But, I think I learned a powerful lesson to how alcohol and drugs take YOU out of the picture and how very selfish I've been. I have to be there for my husband like he's always been there to pick me up. I will never be able to do that if I pick up again.
I WILL NEVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN, I can say that 100%. Get used to me, because I'm not going anywhere. Life here needs me, I can see how much now.
And boy, has this week been tough. Car accident, drinking party, lots of petty fights with husband, etc, I don't normally deal with this much when I'm using. The reason why I didn't post here yesterday evening is because my husband and I had a pretty good sized argument, again over stupid stuff (I wanted him to come celebrate my week with me by cooking out a small dinner on the porch, he came out but with a really sour mood, I got upset, very stupid), it escalated to the point of him saying he was going to get his own place.
This sent me over the edge, I ended up leaving and picking up one of my friends, driving around. Oh I heard the AV loud and clear and welcomed it, I didn't care, was ready to give everything up. I wondered what's the point, I wanted to get drunk/smoke anything to take me out of my head and this horrible week. This friend that I picked up smokes weed heavily, but fortunately she is a very good friend and even though I knew she would smoke with me if I really was serious about asking her (because I was close to begging her to smoke with me)....she talked me down. She told me I didn't want it, and as bad as it sounded like I wanted to at that moment, she knew that it wasn't me she told me how sincere I was when I've been talking with her over the last few months. She reminded me how bad I would feel about using in the morning and that more that likely everything husband said was out of anger and frustration. I told her I wanted to get drunk and high and didn't care how I felt in the morning. As she talked to me I came to my senses....I knew it wouldn't punish him by me getting messed up...she said my self-esteem would be in the trash again on top of the other problems. I'm SO glad she was the one I picked up, I love this chick.
I ended up coming home after a few hours, my husband and I talked for a long time, afterwards I came to log on the computer and lo and behold, while I was gone, my husband posted some very DARK thoughts on facebook, he wrote it out of anger and frustration not thinking about the **** it would cause. Even though he didn't mention me, people assume things, so now people think we have major problems and that Michael is about to off himself because of it. He had tons of messages that were about me, without actually mentioning me. The things that happened years ago, in a small town, people don't easily forget...I'm not from here and he is, so people have always sided with him, he is a very lovable guy and a very good person and people don't know me as well as him so since the clubbing days people have naturally assumed I'm a bad person and that he deserves better (which he probably does, but lucky for me, he loves me). Then all that paled when I talked to him about WHAT he wrote.
This is where my blinders came off and I realize exactly how selfish and self-absorbed addiction is. It was an eye-opening experience and not a good one. I've heard my husband say off the wall things before about how he would rather be dead than have to pay bills and worry about money, I don't think he intends on doing anything to himself, he is a scaredy-cat with horrible health anxiety and worries about death and sickness, as he said last night....but to even have the thoughts is really disturbing to me. It must've been serious if he cried out for help on facebook. I realize I've made far too many things about me, using and drinking, and even here in sobriety, I'm making it all about me again. After he sorted out his fb post and retracted it, we talked for several more hours into the night. I told him I'm contacting his doctor today. He's on an anti-depressant and has NOT been taking it right, he keeps changing his dosage and even went off of it last week, which probably has a lot to do with his feelings, he went back on it a couple of days ago, but it hasn't kicked fully in yet, hence his very dark feelings last night.
I realize life is more than me and my feelings. The good thing is, I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to use/drink, after we talked I realized some things in life I've really been not paying attention to in the way I should. It strengthened my resolve in another way in knowing that I have to be strong to help my husband, he needs me and my clear head. I was so glad I didn't use/drink last night because I found out a lot about the feelings he has kept bottled up....I was so glad I could take in everything he was saying to me and absorb it in the way I should. We are going to talk to his doctor today, and figure out if we need to change his medicine to something more effective that doesn't have the side effects of this particular antidepressant, hence why he keeps messing with the dosage.
So, no, I didn't celebrate my week anniversary, the longest time I've been sober, in the way I wanted to. But, I think I learned a powerful lesson to how alcohol and drugs take YOU out of the picture and how very selfish I've been. I have to be there for my husband like he's always been there to pick me up. I will never be able to do that if I pick up again.
I WILL NEVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN, I can say that 100%. Get used to me, because I'm not going anywhere. Life here needs me, I can see how much now.
-New Me-
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 82
congrats on day 8
ouch, sorry to hear about last night and the fight w/the hubby. i know one thing, you have a really good friend in her. she did the best thing for you last night by couching you out of it. i applaud her (and you for listening to her).
it is good that you two are going to go and talk to the doctor. he was definitely crying out. i wish the best for you two and hope everything gets better sooner than later.
sorry i cant write more, i slept in and im late for work, oops. ttyl
ouch, sorry to hear about last night and the fight w/the hubby. i know one thing, you have a really good friend in her. she did the best thing for you last night by couching you out of it. i applaud her (and you for listening to her).
it is good that you two are going to go and talk to the doctor. he was definitely crying out. i wish the best for you two and hope everything gets better sooner than later.
sorry i cant write more, i slept in and im late for work, oops. ttyl
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Today has been fantastic, especially compared to the last few days. There was actually a period of time today that I forgot that I was quitting something, I didn't think that was possible. I felt for a couple of hours what it must be like to be free of the obsessive thoughts. After our very in depth talk last night I think Michael and I reached an understanding, we've had a great day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Rachel1980 
Today has been fantastic, especially compared to the last few days. There was actually a period of time today that I forgot that I was quitting something, I didn't think that was possible. I felt for a couple of hours what it must be like to be free of the obsessive thoughts.
The Addictive Voice will get weaker and weaker over time. Each time you don't give in you put yet another nail in the Beast's coffin. Eventually it will buried and you will only hear a faint whisper out of it, which is easily ignored.
Originally Posted by Rachel1980
I have to be there for my husband like he's always been there to pick me up. I will never be able to do that if I pick up again.
I WILL NEVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN, I can say that 100%. Get used to me, because I'm not going anywhere. Life here needs me, I can see how much now.
I WILL NEVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN, I can say that 100%. Get used to me, because I'm not going anywhere. Life here needs me, I can see how much now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Rachel1980
I WILL NEVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN, I can say that 100%.
If you can answer that, you are free...
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by AVRT
Will you ever change your mind?
If you can answer that, you are free...
If you can answer that, you are free...
Eddie, these days are starting to add up, I'm liking this.
I think tomorrow is going to be a great day. You're leading the way!After thinking a lot about it and weighing the pros and cons, I decided to go to the concert tomorrow. It's an outdoor concert with lawn seating, Tim Mcgraw, who incidentally has also found recovery, is playing. We are going with the same group that was at the drinking party, but here is what I've done to buffer the situation.....we are taking our own car, Michael is not drinking (he hasn't drank in almost as many days as me), my Mom is riding with us and she is not drinking either. I am going to say a big hearty, resounding NO, if this fellow decides to push alcohol on me again. I won't be put in that situation again, I refuse to feel as weak as I did the other day when I'm making good decisions, he nor anyone else can make me feel bad about that. I have never been to a concert before, so I don't associate it with alcohol at all. I'm going to take this time and enjoy the company of my Mom and my husband. I think it means that much more that Tim Mcgraw is sober man and has a variety of songs singing about sobriety. I am way excited.
Holding Strong...
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 48
Hey Rachel,
Just a quick congrats on 8 days and 'thanks'; your positive attitude and refusal to let anything hold you down are really inspiring. Have a fab time with your mom and husband at the concert!
Just a quick congrats on 8 days and 'thanks'; your positive attitude and refusal to let anything hold you down are really inspiring. Have a fab time with your mom and husband at the concert!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Good for you, Rachel. Others may disagree with me here, but quitting should not be a prison. If it becomes a prison, that can be just as much of a "trigger" to go back to old habits. AVRT is about freedom. Just stay with your mother and husband, pay no attention to the AV, or anyone else speaking AV, and you'll be OK. If the Beast wants beer, let it die of thirst. :-)
Remember, it may want to drink, but you don't drink. Enjoy the show !
Remember, it may want to drink, but you don't drink. Enjoy the show !
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Thank you for the comments, it really helps to get feedback besides my own feelings.
AVRT, I plan on strangling that AV if it pipes up tomorrow, I don't have the time or the inclination to listen to it.
So, Stacy, did you bring the ice cream?? It's my new passion.
AVRT, I plan on strangling that AV if it pipes up tomorrow, I don't have the time or the inclination to listen to it.
So, Stacy, did you bring the ice cream?? It's my new passion.
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Jen, thank you. Glad to see you here, welcome to SR! It's the best place ever, and I know that I would not be anywhere near where I am without it. Use it to your advantage, it's a HUGE piece of my recovery toolkit.
Glad to see you here, welcome to SR! It's the best place ever, and I know that I would not be anywhere near where I am without it. Use it to your advantage, it's a HUGE piece of my recovery toolkit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Of course I brought ICE CREAM
1. Vanilla
2. Cookie Dough
3. Mint/Chocolate Chip
4. Strawberry
5. Chocolate
6. Rainbow Sherbert
Ben & Jerry's too. YUMMY. We are all going to get FAT now, but at least we're CLEAN
1. Vanilla
2. Cookie Dough
3. Mint/Chocolate Chip
4. Strawberry
5. Chocolate
6. Rainbow Sherbert
Ben & Jerry's too. YUMMY. We are all going to get FAT now, but at least we're CLEAN
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
This is one of my favorites about recovery by Tim Mcgraw. Music for the party Stacy! What kind of game do you want to play?
Edit: Not working out with the video, but here's the link if anyone is interested.
http://youtu.be/n-CuGqJf5Rk
What kind of game do you want to play?Edit: Not working out with the video, but here's the link if anyone is interested.
http://youtu.be/n-CuGqJf5Rk
Last edited by ForwardMotion; 07-27-2011 at 09:59 PM. Reason: Tried to add video..
On my way....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 326
Well, give me a scoop of each on a waffle cone...lol. And Ben & Jerry's rocks. I brought sprinkles and candy to add in.
Yeah, so I tried to post a video and it didn't work out so well, I'll keep fooling with it. Not sure how to do it exactly.
I brought sprinkles and candy to add in.Yeah, so I tried to post a video and it didn't work out so well, I'll keep fooling with it. Not sure how to do it exactly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
oh no I can't see the music??? I will add one of my faves too
‪The Verve The Drugs Don't Work Glastonbury 08‬‏ - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/v/802LKSW_YdY...3&hl=en_US
‪The Verve The Drugs Don't Work Glastonbury 08‬‏ - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/v/802LKSW_YdY...3&hl=en_US
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