Dee74

they will...never as soon as we'd like tho, I'm afraid....

I was pretty much all over the place for a few weeks....by 90 days tho I was pretty sure what normal was for me.

It may be sooner than that for you of course

D

ForwardMotion

Thanks Eddie and Dee. At least it won't last forever, that is heartening. Today seemed like one non-stop crave....I believe it had something to do with sitting at home all day doing pretty much nothing.....normally a huge weed smoking time for me. I hope that since I did not give in, that maybe the next time it happens it won't be so rough. I know with cigarettes once I had a "first" (first birthday, first X-mas, etc)...the next time wasn't as bad.

I already feel better, at least by half, and that's good because I felt pretty hot and angry today....and somewhat sad. The walk helped, so I guess there is something to that exercise thing everyone talks about. Next time I won't wait until 11p.m. to walk four miles....I think my husband thought I was nuts! lol Also posting here helps a lot....thanks everyone for the support in my time of need.

Onwards and upwards!

gibson3479

Rachel,obviously Im emotionally all over as well during this...this might sound completely corny but...along with excersize ,walking,attempting to run,haha ...Ive needed to just zone out ...between this site and my family is how Ive had to limit my interactions (for the past and next few days)..Im not very familiar with meditating but on my first sober day (this round) I found this site that actually relaxes me just because at times it can look amazing,the sounds are relaxing to me and the view is just peaceful...well to me..and it requires no thought on my end...just watching... Im really big into the nature thing so its not for everyone .. It does chill my mood some though...
Pete's Pond on Mashatu, Ustream.TV: Pete's Pond is a waterhole on Mashatu Game Reserve in Botswana, Africa. It is a famous webcam that began on National Ge...

gibson3479

..The link is safe..if you decide to look...I know Im weary of random links.

ForwardMotion

That site is amazing, love the sounds....I may keep it on all night! It sounds like we have a lot in common as well, I am very into nature too....in fact I'm going to school to either become a National Park Ranger or a State Park Superintendent! I call myself a "Mountain Woman"....my favorite times are spent in the mountains, valleys, and "hollers"....near the rivers and streams which are more than plentiful here in West Virginia.

Thanks for turning me on to the link, I've bookmarked it. Keep on keeping on. You're doing great, let's keep in touch too....you seem to be a night-owl like me as well....which is good when either of us need to reach out.

gibson3479

yea if you look at their facebook site you can see many of the pictures of the still frames..Ive sat up for hours watching elephants zebras giraffs you name it stop in for water...I love that its live..and i have been fallinga sleep to the noise as well...very peaceful....im a huge nature nerd.I havent been in West Virginia since I was really young but we live in NC only 2 hours from the mountains...and we have a smaller one 10 miles away that I hike as much as I can avoid hangovers to do...ugg......anyways just thought Id share...At this stage it relaxes me and I can just zone off into it.

ForwardMotion

Five days in and I'm feeling much better than yesterday. I guess you could say I had a "neutral" day, neither high nor low. The only tough spot was when I went to my Mom's, this evening, for a cookout and we had family in for the PGA tournament that is being held locally. My Mom rarely (like once a year) drinks, and doesn't touch drugs; so I consider her house a safe haven. Even when guests are over there isn't any drinking.

Today, of course (my luck), was different. When I went over I saw a huge box of Michelob Ultra, and a cooler full of beer. There were more people than I expected to be over....guests of the guests....everyone had beers in their hands....most of the guests seemed like they'd had more than a few. It was really weird, seeing as how there is NEVER alcohol at my Mom's house, so I was a little disoriented getting out of the car, I wasn't sure how to react because I didn't think this would be a situation that I'd need to be prepared for. We were introduced to everyone, and there was one gentleman who I did not know, he seemed like he was feeling preeeetttty good.....of course, he wanted to talk to me about what I'm going to school for....SIX inches from my face. Beer breath galore....I was still feeling pretty out of place and strange, and was ready to bolt, but it wasn't really an option. So I talked with him, after a few minutes I relaxed a bit and made conversation, since he was buzzed there wasn't a lot I needed to say, he did all the talking. lol Turns out he has a LOT of connections in the field I'm going in and it will be very beneficial to stay in touch with him because in this particular industry it's a lot about who you know.

After we ate and the two guests I did not know were leaving, he proceeded to call me to his car to "show me something"....I went, and he showed me some concoction called "Crum"....some mixture of Crown Royal and Rum(?)....never heard of it. He wanted me to take a swig, I said "ohh noo, I'm good".....he kept on pushing me, and since I don't know how to stand up for myself and he has all this influence....I "pretended" to (him being drunk, he didn't notice)....just the smell made me want to puke. He then wanted to me to take another drink....and I was more forceful this time in saying a firm NO, that was enough for me. He then got in his car and drove away. I'm quite sure over the legal limit.

Now, I know I did not handle this appropriately. I shouldn't have even pretended to take a drink, after they left and I was standing outside alone I started shaking and felt like crying. I felt "raped", I don't know, it's like I said no, and he kept pushing. I really didn't handle this situation well, even though I didn't have a drink, and had no desire, in fact, felt really repulsed by the smell and idea of drinking....it felt like I lost the battle.

For a couple hours after that I felt defeated, I don't know why....since I didn't drink, but it was not a good feeling. Afterwards, my husband and I went home and watched the first movie I've seen sober in years. Still feeling a little weird, but I guess I will be okay.

Here's another dilemma, during this PGA tournament there are concerts every night. I've NEVER been to a concert, and these people are kindly giving my Mom and I two tickets to see Tim Mcgraw, one of my favorite artists. The concert does sell beer. The group that would be going there are a couple of heavy drinkers, a few occasional drinkers...and my Mom, who may or may not have a beer, and me...the sober one. I don't feel tempted to have any alcohol, I am more interested in attending my first concert, and with my Mom who never gets out because she stays with my Grandmother with Alzheimer's, it would be a very rare treat to hang out with my Mom, we only get to once a year when we go Christmas shopping together. I just don't want him pushing anything on me again, or maybe have a better defense without putting him off of helping me in the future. I didn't realize how some people can be so pushy on other people's drinking habits. Wow, this all blew my mind today.

Sobriety is hard in ways I didn't even expect, it's tough enough to fight my own battles with my head without someone on the outside helping! Gah!

Dee74

I think you should cut yourself a little slack Rachel...That's not the kind of situation I would have like to have walked into at 5 months, let alone at 5 days.

With time and exposure I'm betting you'll get a lot better at dealing with ambushes like that, and with drunk folks, but the important thing now is you didn't drink, and I think you should be proud of that

But I think it's good to acknowledge the extent that this threw you...I'd think about the concerts pretty carefully. I know it would be great for your mom, but you need to be honest and think about whether it be good for you?

If you looked back at one of my first posts you'd find me saying 'you have to road test yourself sometime'...and I did - I threw myself in at the deep end...and frankly it was more good luck than good management that I didn't drink.

I changed my approach then and I took myself out of circulation for a while, until I was utterly comfortable in my recovery.

It was, I think, a great investment in my future.

Personally I don't think there's any shame in being cautious. There will be other concerts.

D

ForwardMotion

Thank you for the response, the situation really threw me as I never expected there to be any alcohol at this cookout. My Mom is about as close to be being a teetotaler as you can get without actually being one. She's also my biggest supporter in this journey because we both have seen in up close, living color how alcohol can rip people to shreds. I think she knew it made me uncomfortable yesterday because the beer she was having when I got there she threw away. I don't want people to feel like they have to hide their alcohol from me, I just want to be able to be prepared mentally if I'm going to a drinking event.

As far as the concert goes, I have to work that day anyway, I can claim I couldn't get off after all. I want to have a talk with my Mom about what happened yesterday, there were too many others still there to tell her about my experience last night. She married, not one, but two alcoholics who were VERY destructive in our lives and she's watched me the last few years with baited breath because she knows where my road leads.

I'm feeling much better this morning as it was a victory, albeit not a perfect one. I thought about the shape I'd normally have been in had I been drinking, by the time the cookout would've been over I'd probably already have been really buzzed, possibly slurring my words and looking anything but professional to anyone with "connections". Even if I hadn't had more than a few beers I would've went home and "finished the job" by getting drunk and staying up all night on the computer.

Instead, here I am at the beginning of day six....one more day of total sobriety (day 7) will mark the longest I've ever been totally sober in a decade. I still don't have any desire to drink, yesterday it was more about missing the feeling of "fitting in". My thought process about that is that it's silly to drink in order to fit in with a group because when the day is over and I go home to more drinking it will be me hurting in the end. They aren't going to take my health problems, self-destructiveness, or any other negatives from drinking away from me, I have to deal with that.....so I choose now to feel a little uncomfortable in groups in exchange for the peace of mind sobriety gives me. It's worth a lot more than "fitting in".

Terminally Unique

Rachel,

I wouldn't cosider that a defeat. You are withdrawing from two different drugs, and even at only five days into it, were able to be in a situation not only with multiple people drinking, but with one actively pushing it on you, without drinking!

I'd say you are doing quite well. Think of it as extinguishing a cue. The next time will be easier, and the time after that easier still. Eventually, it will become automatic and second nature. As you are learning, AVRT is powerful stuff. You will be able to go anywhere and do anything, regardless of who is drinking.

No one will ever have to "hide the bottles" when you are around. :-)

Terminally Unique

Rachel,

Something to consider, which may help you look at things differently. Could it be that the feeling that you "failed" is your Addictive Voice talking, trying to get you to drink again, because IT (the Beast) knows that you in fact, did not fail?

The AV will argue all sides of all arguments, using any warped logic, such as the idea that not drinking is a defeat, to get you to feel bad about yourself and to drink again. Recognize all self-doubt as a product of the addictive voice, and you will succeed.

ForwardMotion

Yes, AVRT, there was a part of me that felt that I failed by putting the bottle to my mouth and tipping it up as if I were drinking. I should have NEVER, NEVER done that, the feeling was very defeating. I stood there after they left feeling very weak about myself. I do think it was AV chatter, because I felt like I was a failure, and that feeling leads to nowhere good....I'm sure I know which part of my brain it stemmed from...because upon further thought, and a good night's sleep, I saw where I could have failed many times yesterday and I sidestepped each obstacle, with ZERO desire to drink/use. It was just when I was pinned in a corner and didn't know what to do or how to react on the spur of the moment I did what came to my head and the only thing I could think of to do is what I did.

So, yes, yesterday was a success....but, I think I need to have a much better way of handling pushy people. I hate people being mad, disappointed, or basically having any negative thoughts about me, that is some issue I have, so I tend to be a "people-pleaser" who never knows how to say no. And another part of me was thinking that since this guy seems to have some sort of issue with alcohol he wouldn't help me unless I "partied" with him.....that's probably not the case, but that's how my warped mind perceived the situation.

Edited to add: Upon reading that last sentence, I clearly see the AV talking there. Thank you for pointing that out.

Terminally Unique

Remember, although "it" may strongly want to drink/use, you will neither drink/use, nor even want to drink/use, because addictive desire is not you, but the Beast. As long as the Beast remains an "it," you are safe from it. When you recognize "its" fear of abstinence, you will feel good and safe. Try getting this down pat, until you know it by heart, at least conceptually.

There is nothing wrong with that. Next time will be easier. I think you'll find over time that saying "I don't drink" works in almost all situations.

wellwisher

Rachel - you did well!

Try to remember that "No, thank you" is a complete sentence. If they insist, its OK to say it a little more firmly. "I'm good" says it all.

Keep going and be happy with the days you've strung together - you are making it!

Terminally Unique

Dee and wellwisher are correct. Think about it. Some people with months of clean time would be afraid to walk into the situation you were in, and you did it with only five days.

BTW, I often wonder why I hang around recovery forums, since I personally do not need support in order to abstain, but I do find that clarifying some of the techniques to others solidifies them. As they say, the best way to learn something well is to try and teach it to others.

eJoshua

Good to see you Rachel. You can do it, stay strong!

-Josh

Anna

Rachel,

I'm glad that you are proud of your sober time and that you got through a difficult situation without drinking. And, it's great that you have your mother's support.

Yes, recovery is hard in ways we don't expect. You stayed sober and you learned something about yourself in the situation with the guy who was pushing alcohol on you. I had no boundaries at all when I stopped drinking, and I felt so lost. I think it starts by beginning to feel good about what you are doing for yourself in recovery. I slowly realized that I could say 'No' to people when I meant it, and stick to it. It felt so very empowering.

NewLife221

you did very good Rachel, I am proud of you. and you should be very proud of yourself.. i know you said you feel like you didnt handle the situation all that great, but you did. you resisted. just learn how to put that foot down a little more when the word No comes out of your mouth. i know it is a hard thing to do sometimes, but when it needs to be done, you have to stick to your guns.. You did great though..

ForwardMotion

Thank you everyone for each post, I truly need and appreciate each piece of advice that I've been given. It's food for my hungry soul.

Today has been okay, a few (petty) arguments with my husband, just out of my irritability...we took a couple of hours away from each other and that seemed to work. I've felt like I've been holding back tears a lot in the past week, well out they came today. After my husband (Michael) left I cried myself to sleep....I probably cried for an hour! I woke up to him holding me, it truly was comforting waking up in his arms...I felt exhausted from the crying, but I also felt "cleansed", if you will. I then watched my SECOND sober movie....this is really getting awesome.

Tomorrow is day 7, I'm throwing my own personal (sober) party. I haven't made it past day 6, ever in the history of using/drinking. Not a lot of time under my belt, but I'm proud nonetheless, it's a personal milestone I guess.

Thanks again for being an ear, and a place where I can get my feelings on to "paper". I want to be able to look back at this an realize why I never want to go through early sobriety again. Everyone here is truly a Godsend. Onwards and upwards....moving forward through the fire.

Dee74

congratulations on a week Rachel

D