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Losing friends

Old 04-25-2010, 03:06 PM
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Losing friends

I am new here and today I am 27 days sober. I am feeling so good physically and mentally that I don't even want to have a drink. I have been drinking heavily since 15 ( I am 26 now ), and over the past few years, all of the negative consequences of my drinking have been greatly outweighing the "fun." I think I am in this for the long haul...

I am actually doing ok with not drinking at all. The problem is that once I have 1, I can't control myself and 1 turns into 2, then 3, then 12...

I do not have any sober friends who live in the same city as me, but I am trying really hard to stay social and not isolate myself. Some of my friends are supportive and some are not. I am starting to question whether the "not" friends are really friends at all.

I went out to dinner last week with a group of friends, one of whom gave me a really hard time. Said person ran a shot of whisky under my nose saying "mmmmm", then poured beer in my empty soda glass. I told him that he was not being a very good friend and had hoped for his support. In return he told me that I wasn't any fun anymore and I was boring now. If boring means that I am not waking up in a pool of vomit with a black eye and half the contents of my purse gone, then boring sounds pretty good to me. He then invited me to a dinner a few days later, but said I could only come if i was going to drink. To top it all off, I was expected to split the bill evenly with these people, even though half of it was booze.

Since then I have been excluded from several social outings with this group of people that I normally would have been invited to. These are not people that I consider purely drinking buddies. They are old co-workers, so we have had plenty of fun, crazy times together without alcohol. I guess that is why I am extra sad and disappointed in them because I didn't expect this reaction. I don't want to cut them out of my life, but I feel like I might have to. Does this part ever get easier???
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Old 04-25-2010, 03:14 PM
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That must be hard, poeople trying to get you to drink I don't know if i could resist that, good for you for doing it. Keep up the good work you can do it. I feel lonely myself I spent a lot of time out with people that use, now I feel lonely ad don't get out much so it's hard. I have foud supportive people at my church and stuff and at celebrate recovery ( which is like AA) go to meetings you will meet people who are sober too. Hang in their. hugs <3
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Old 04-25-2010, 03:16 PM
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happened to me too when I decided to quit.
I was disappointed......I can relate.....

The oddest thing....once I got sober....my choice of friends
changed dramatically. I made friends who shared my
new goals and lifestyle by attending AA....

Hope you continue your sobriety....you are heading into a
healthy productive future.

Welcome to our recovery community.....
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Old 04-25-2010, 03:59 PM
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I'm sorry Avenell - that sounds awful.

It was an organic thing for me - once I made it clear I was serious, lots of people dropped off - but others came back, and I made new friends too...

On a side note, I found I became a lot more confident in myself, and comfortable in my own company.

It is rough going through that, but it pretty much all works out

Reading your post I have to say the guy you mention doesn't sound like he'd be such a great loss?

D

Last edited by Dee74; 04-25-2010 at 04:28 PM.
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Old 04-25-2010, 04:27 PM
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the guy you mention doesn't sound like he's be such a great loss?
Ditto! What a jerk! I would be looking for some new friends if I were in your position.
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Old 04-25-2010, 04:45 PM
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Boy that is rough! My first thought was you might need to look into a face to face support group such as AA or something because then you will find people that have the common goal of living sober. You will find out who your real friends are in the process, but maybe concentrate on working on you and cleaning your yard so to speak. It sounds like they may be looking into the same thing in the future. Be grateful you are on the path now instead of later.

There are so many things to do soberly. I like going to the movies and I LOVE going to bookstores. I could literally spend all day at a bookstore or a library. Buy a good cup of Starbucks and while away the hours there. There's also the gym and taking walks or run if you are able. I truly believe the world opens up to you when you put down the glass.

Welcome to SR by the way!! Its great to have you here.
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Old 04-25-2010, 04:56 PM
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Doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. I'm two weeks sober tomorrow and I've e-mailed/talked face to face with a few of my 'drinking friends' and told them what was up. Not one of my friends has so far said anything negative, it's all support and I guess I'm lucky in that sense. I guess it also shows how outwardly apparent my alcoholism was!

But I've been up front about the fact that if anyone has a problem with me not drinking then I'm going to have to let them go from my life.. Which was a hard thing to do because I didn't want to end up friendless and have to start over, but I had to accept that if that's what it came to then I would just have to try and make new friends who would appreciate me for who I am, not for the mask I wear when I'm drinking. Plus I'm actually 100% more fun when sober, or maybe just 100% less fun when drunk :P

Welcome to the forums, hope you stick around!
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:01 PM
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Ave, what you described sounds kind of despicable, sorry (at least part of you might not like to hear judgmental things about them, but I can't help it). Part of us does not choose the people we like/love, so it may hurt, but I say toss each bad apple out like a decayed fruit. &*[email protected]*#(#)$*!!!! Stuff them.

You will be better off and others will pick up on worthwhile signs in you and want to spend time with you - and they will make great replacements. At least that is what I would like for you.

Keep going at taking a look at what you can do without alcohol.
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

Reading your post I have to say the guy you mention doesn't sound like he'd be such a great loss?

D
Congratulations on the 27 days !!

That shows some real determination and conviction. .....I'd have to agree with Dee about a guy (or anybody ) inviting you out , predicated on what he thinks should go in your body. The idea is laughable , if it wasn't true .......and so sad: cries3:

Stay strong
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:26 PM
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Thanks for the support everyone... the funny thing is, this guy isn't a jerk. He's done really nice, selfless things for me in the past. But he was drunk, and I'm ashamed to say it, but I've done some really mean things to people I love while under the influence.

I went to some court ordered AA classed about 7 years ago. Back then, I didn't think my drinking was a problem. I was just young and having a good time. In hindsight I see that getting arrested and being ordered by a judge to go to AA is a big problem. I'm ready to give it another try on my own terms, but I am scared and have a lot of anxiety about going to my first meeting alone. I just don't now what to expect, and that makes me nervous.

If anyone could answer some basics about what a meeting is like I would really appreciate it... Do I have to introduce myself if I don't want to at first? Are there people of all ages? What happens in a meeting? Do I need to have a sponser eventually and how do you get one? Also, I'm not religious at all and am apprehensive about all the God talk associated with AA... Any insight at all would be super helpful!
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by avenell View Post
Thanks for the support everyone... the funny thing is, this guy isn't a jerk. He's done really nice, selfless things for me in the past. But he was drunk, and I'm ashamed to say it, but I've done some really mean things to people I love while under the influence.

I went to some court ordered AA classed about 7 years ago. Back then, I didn't think my drinking was a problem. I was just young and having a good time. In hindsight I see that getting arrested and being ordered by a judge to go to AA is a big problem. I'm ready to give it another try on my own terms, but I am scared and have a lot of anxiety about going to my first meeting alone. I just don't now what to expect, and that makes me nervous.

If anyone could answer some basics about what a meeting is like I would really appreciate it... Do I have to introduce myself if I don't want to at first? Are there people of all ages? What happens in a meeting? Do I need to have a sponser eventually and how do you get one? Also, I'm not religious at all and am apprehensive about all the God talk associated with AA... Any insight at all would be super helpful!
AA is a great choice. You won't be expected to say anything unless you want to. First someone will start off with their story of recovery and how they're coping and then the floor will be opened for anyone who wants to share their experiences or recent issues during recovery. Not too sure about a sponsor, I'm still quite new to AA but I'm sure someone else can answer.
Lastly, I'm an atheist. I'm currently in between step 2 and 3 and they were quite hard for me as I had to come to terms with a higher power. For me it's all the good karma in the world. Human compassion. The same compassion that people here show; that people in AA show, and that people in day to day life show. I was never getting sober on my own and that took a long time for me to accept. I needed help, which was hard for me as I'm very strong headed and always think I can conquer anything on my own. But...I can't. I think realising that was one of the greatest moments in my life.

Anyway your higher power will come to you, it can be anything you like.
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:48 PM
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Ave, "God" in AA isn't necessarily the god in scriptures, it is something "bigger than you" that you reckon with and would be able to conceive of as an outside force that is there for you. Some people replace the God word with Nature or the Universe. Take a peek at the Secular sections here, there are people who do not believe in God who use AA.

Except for some rare exceptions I have heard of, most people say they were happy with their first experience at an AA meeting, because the people make them feel welcome and understood and not judged. I have heard that you don't even have to do the 12 Steps, you can just go to meetings. there are PLENTY of people here who know more on that.

Some people only use this site as a way to work on their sobriety. Others use a combo of things.

You can always try to help your friend out (the one I was blasting) down the road, but I think it is important to put yourself up there as an important person in your mind -that is, be your own best friend and congratulate yourself on what you can do; and be honest with yourself when you are scared or feel negative. People here will be supportive of you.
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:49 PM
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Thanks for reminding me that even the best of us can be jerks when drunk Avenell.
I'm glad he's a good guy

D
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Old 04-25-2010, 06:22 PM
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Hello Avenell,

I was nodding my head while reading your first post. I know what you mean - my friends weren't jerks for acting non-supportive when I stopped drinking; they were just afraid of any change in me - most people fear change. There's also alot of misconceptions attached to people who don't drink, unfortunately (boring, holier than thou, etc.). They didn't want to think of me becoming this way.

They also feared that they might have to take a look at themselves.

You are *so* right about the puking, bruises and waking up with half your purse missing. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and never want to go back there.

I did AA in early sobriety - it was really wonderful for the f2f connection with people who understood where I was at. I found people to be particularly sensitive to newcomers and go out of their way to make you comfortable. It's wise to listen more than talk and it's perfectly ok to say you're just there to listen, imo - until you're comfortable.

I attribute my recovery to my counselor, however. He was professionally trained and in recovery himself for many years. Saw him one night per week for the first year. A life changing and life saving experience.

Glad you're here with us. Keep posting and sharing. You're in good company.
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:00 PM
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Glad you are here. Welcome.
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:09 PM
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i guess things get easier. but that's not to say that their isn't a lot of uncomfortable feelings or problems that come up for me everyday. I'm getting better at facing them (sometimes)
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:39 PM
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Welcome to SR and congrats on your sober time. You will find plenty of support here and most of us can relate to what you are feeling. I noticed when I quit that many people split. At first I was overwhelmed by the loneliness but am now grateful for it because I needed that time to myself to quit drinking, evaluate my life and also those around me. Most people around me are not alcoholics but they are types of people that prior to my drinking....I would not have surrounded myself with. I know there are so many great sober folks out there who enjoy life without the booze so it I sobriety has opened new doors for us.

Hang in there and if anyone isn't on board with your sobriety then cut them off. Sounds harsh probably but anything that may hinder my recovery must be removed.

God Bless and so glad you are looking at AA.
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Old 04-25-2010, 09:37 PM
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You could ask a friend to go with you to an Open Meeting

What is an Open Meeting? What happens in meetings?

Here you are....please read this excellent link

Your First AA Meeting<

Good to know you are thinking about AA
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:48 PM
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I think alot of our friends were part of our lives because they were part of our problem. When we try and solve the problem, this becomes obvious, and so does the the problem, for them as well as you. Maybe you quitting is, in your friend's eyes, confronting him with his own problem drinking(?).

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