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Can I vent???

Old 04-10-2010, 04:51 PM
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Can I vent???

Hey all Ö

So Iíve going to blow off some steam here. I just got off the phone with my 82-year-old dad (a drinker) who says he was in the ER last night until 2:30 a.m. Seems he finally got around to getting a blood test that his doctor had been after him about and when the doc got the results, he called my dad at home and told him to get his butt to the hospital because his potassium levels were off the chart.

Of course, my father, who can barely walk and has heart disease, didnít call any of his kids for a ride. Or ask to stay the night at the hospital since it was going to be dawn in a couple of hours. Or ask if it could be any of the dozens of pills heís on. He did tell me, however, that his doctor had given him a special diet a couple of weeks ago and that the printout IS STILL OUT IN THE CAR!

One thing that I hear over and over again in AA is that I have to let go of trying to control things. And Iím trying. But this stupid phone call has made me incredibly sad, frustrated and angry. Angry that he wonít follow his doctorís advice. Angry that he was bashing on the ER staff. Angry that he won't take steps to help himself.

In some twisted way is he trying to share? I feel like heís yanking my chain. Like he calls and drops these bombs and then waits for the impact. I tried to keep it neutral when we were speaking and just listen, but inside I was a mess. Iím sorry for the kvetching. I'm going to go for a walk and try to let it go.

A big reason why I finally stopped drinking Ė six months ago -- is that I saw myself following the same patterns as my dysfunctional parents and I couldnít bear it any more.

Do I sound like a cold-hearted daughter? Thanks for listening.

DDog
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:03 PM
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You absolutely do not sound like a cold hearted daughter. You vent away!! You care about your Dad and that is why you are frustrated, angry and all upset. You want him to see the light like you did. I don't know how you feel about prayer, but if you do believe in it then now would be an excellent time to pray. Put it all in His hands and pray/talk your heart out. You will be doing something for your Dad and you will also be doing something for yourself by turning it over to a higher power. Just a thought.
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:20 PM
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I don't think you're cold hearted at all, just worried about things beyond your control. I agree that prayer may be the only thing you can do. And letting your father know you care and are concerned, of course. I'd go with prayer. It's been known to work wonders.
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:27 PM
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I have no real advice Doodle

I decided a while ago, for my own good, that my parents were gonna do what they were gonna do, and it was best for me to do or say what I could...and then leave it.

That's not cold hearted IMO - I struggled with it, but I see it now as admitting that some things are beyond my control...and that's going to happen sometimes.

I agree with the others - let him know you care and you're concerned, let him know you're there to help if he decides he needs it...certainly pray...but try and not let someone else's mistakes eat you up.

D
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:42 PM
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Sending prayers for you and your Dad.
Sorry to know of this situation.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:06 PM
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thank you!

All:

Thank you so much for your kind words and excellent advice. I don't automatically think of praying, but I'm hoping to change that pattern. I love the idea of turning over my worries about my dad to a higher power.

I just got back from a lovely walk with my husband and dog. Hope everyone has a wonderful night.

ddog
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:24 PM
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Hi,

No you don't sound cold-hearted at all. My Dad is the same age and I have so many frustrations with him. And, I have the guilt too, since I live thousands of miles away. He asks for my opinion and then literally, laughs in my face and belittles me when I give it to him. For my own sanity, I have had to step back and let him handle his own health problems for the most part.

I think you're on the right path by praying and allowing your HP to help out.
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Old 04-10-2010, 08:20 PM
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You don't sound cold hearted at all. In fact, it sounds like you're getting healthy.
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Old 04-10-2010, 08:43 PM
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When I was about six months sober myself (congratulations on that!), I became much better about my feelings and began to see things alot more clearly - particularly about all the dysfunction around me that I used to just naturally react to.

It helped me to stop and ask myself, "Is this situation (or person or thinking) dysfunctional?" If yes, the next question is, "Can I change it"?

This is where the serenity prayer "...courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference" comes in.

Lots of people who were close to me fit the "no, I can't change them" bill and I had to learn to be OK with that and let go. Have you tried Al-Anon in addition to AA? I tried both in early sobriety (mostly AA, but some Al-Anon) and it helped alot in learning how to detach with love.
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Old 04-10-2010, 09:16 PM
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Of course, you can vent if you can read mine, too eh?

But at 82, I think it's time to let it go. He's lived a long life and he's probably just tired. I've studied about dying in different parts of the world and I realized that American culture encourages family members to fight to stay alive. But it's vanity. Yet, you have a great chance to make peace. You are lucky to have this drama. I haven't been able to break the ice with my father, a very good man but structured and reserved.
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Old 04-11-2010, 05:57 AM
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Hey doodle. You'll get better at this, I can tell you that. I still have times where I want to say what I want to say, but it's not my business. What other people do, well, for me, they have to be responsible for that.

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with sharing with your dad in a loving and caring way how you feel and let him know that you're hopeful that he'll start doing the right thing for himself health wise so you all will have more time with him.

What I have learned to do for myself is that when I get "angry" I take a look and see where that anger is really coming from. Am I hurt about something? Am I scared? Last time I went through a situation where I was angry, I wanted to just go off on the person and when I took some time to investigate within myself to see what was really going on with me, it was really that my feelings were hurt. I was able to express myself to that person basing it on being hurt. Had I gone with "anger" I would have probably said some hurtful things myself just making the situation worse.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I know this is your dad and you love him and want him to be well. I hope he can get on his health plan with his doctor but if not take care of you. In both cases, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

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Old 04-11-2010, 09:37 AM
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I totally understand what you are going through. My Mom is on kumadin (sp?) which is a blood thinner. I don't think she should be on it, or that her dose is incorrect. Every time I see her she has a fresh set of nasty looking bruises on her and it is heartbreaking to see it. I have told her to tell her doctor to get her off the meds, but to be honest I think she is kind of scared of him. The problem with the "free" healthcare system in Ontario is that it is next to impossible to switch doctors since they are only allowed to have a certain number of patients at a time and most doctors cannot accept new patients. Apparently there is a new doctor in her area that is accepting patients, but every time I talk to her about it I get a fresh excuse as to why she cannot fill out the application to become a patient of the new doctor. I am very concerned, but she is stubborn and will do what she wants when she wants to. I just keep a watchful eye on her, listen to her, and hope that she will be okay. My brothers and Aunt do the same thing.
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