dedubya

But I felt I need to update..... (I love my work, sort of, well I do)
My work is taking over my life, which is cool in a way because I dont drink and work, ever. When I end the week - which is normally 60+ hours- I feel like I 'deserve' to go into the deep end and just go into hedonism (that may be the wrong word). I am starting to come to terms with that as I deserve to enjoy things, not the deep end. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life , 1 wonderful son, 2 daughters 19 and 17 (one is going through some issues which I try to help, she is struggling not with alcohol but bipolar, and as a result opiates- she is still Wonderful, I love her. My other daughter has a 3.8gpa in school and got a scholarship to her University!! I am a bit scared of all of my 'kids' leaving the house. Anyway- my point- is I have so much to be happy about but the pressure of everything really gets to me some of the time. And it makes me want to medicate it with my poison alcohol...which sucks. I think that happens to a lot of people- medicating....it does with me. But I know it's poison????? WTF
That is Dub's post for today-
Love you guys and thanks
Dub

Anna

Dub, I found that it was crucial for me to have balance in my life.

How about cutting back on work a bit and spending more time with your family?

littlefish

Your gratitude for the good things in your life might be a strong pillar in your recovery. So many of us start from the place of not appreciating anything.

I went into Step 4 in AA thinking "oh, who, me, resentments? Nah!"

When in fact when I worked through Step 4, (a total Beeatch of a step BTW)....I realized I had a lot of expectations and resulting disappointments and resulting resentments....and a low level of appreciating life.

You mention you go to AA, have you started the step work?

dedubya

no- i just go to meetings sometime. I know i am powerless but i havent done the steps.
I guess I am stuck on step one. However I do believe in my Higher Power, which for me is my religion. I am so close... I wish I could take a couple months off and just go to the beach.
dub

gerryP

The beach won't help you Dub, hard work on your part and nothing but hard work, perhaps therapy? It's about a commitment to yourself, for yourself, to live a sober life. What does a sober lifestyle look like to you?

least

Do it now, Dub. Stop drinking, work less, enjoy life more. Only you can do this. Don't wait for ideal circumstances, just stop drinking now. (see your doctor first to be safe, but stop now)

intention

Hi Dub,

Good to see you posting again. That's the insane thing about alcohol that we can drink despite having things in our lives that we want to enjoy sober.

That sponsor you mentioned calling the other week - are you going to call him again?

dedubya

i dont know intention. i really dont know.

intention

Ok, ....just keep posting and stay with us. When you are ready, he will still be there for you.

dedubya

I am lost
Dub

least

What's wrong Dub? How do you mean 'lost'? I hope you can find sobriety soon.

dedubya

Thanks- i am seriously considering that, I could pull it off. But the Family might not like it

Dee74

Dub
you're probably tired of me - but all I can say are the same things.

You need action, man. Posting here is great but it's not action. Thinking about things is great too but it's not action either.

Why not see your sponsor? Or get a new one?

Why not cut back on work if it's stressing you? or see a counsellor for better ways to deal with stress and get your life into balance?

I've been there Dub - if the only action you really have is buying booze, you're not going to go anywhere..well..except down, maybe.

If booze is your go to answer, things are just gonna get worse, mate.

You gotta start looking for some new answers.

You can do this
D

fragrantrose

Dear Dub,
a wise person in AA once said to me "what you put before sobriety you will lose"
My 4 children are No 1 (besides God) in my life and i know that i certainly lost their respect when i drank.
I thought i hid it from them because as when they were around i would drink secretly (in my room.. door locked,in the kitchen cooking..vino in tea mug). But they all knew by my personality changes! I am only 32 days sober but they say that i am a much nicer person to be around when that poison is out of my system..they just know when i am off it just by my demeanour! My friends also are commenting how much better i am ! I found that despite overt sloppy behaviour its the other more subtle effects of etoh that impact!

"God make me willing" I picked up that mantra on this site and i say it over and over each day particulary when random cravings hit (and the do).

Please hang in there, have you got to the point where you want sobriety above all else?
i have found that is the key for me.

OZboy

..always post to us/me...
..i don't have work...i don't even play guitar anymore!!!!

..but i'm still throwin' out excuses,too have a drink..

..i gotta get something goin' too...you've become a friend,
even if you don't know it....lol...ozy

Houndheart

How about those doggies of yours? They are your friends.

And you said alcohol is poison. I said that too...but I secretly was thinking it was my friend.

littlefish

What it sounds like is that essentially you have no program at all. Whether it's AA or a non-faith based program, outpatient therapy.....whatever you choose, it sounds like you need to get busy and start working a program.
I went to meetings but never started the step work and I didn't make any progress...

dedubya

thanks Man

Aysha

Just jumping to the end here..sry. I havent been on hardly at all in the past 4 mos. So I have not been able to keep up with everyone like I would like to.
I really like you. You seem like such a nice, gentle person.
I dont know if you have tried getting help yet.
I know you are grateful and it seems you really do want to be sober. But what are you doing to get it?
It takes alot of work and attention to get and stay sober.
Sry if I dont know what I am talking about. I just hate to see you suffer. Especially when it is mostly self inflicted.

dedubya

Thanks Aysha- I read your posts...I dont do anything other than realizing I need to quit. Self inflicted? absolutely. I dont know what to do. I love people and life, not sure what to do except stop- which at the present time I cant. which i have no idea why????????????? I guess I love my music and family etc and ,,,,crap I dont know.
Dub