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New and A bit confused

Old 02-19-2010, 08:07 AM
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New and A bit confused

Hi All,
I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site for a while and while some of it rings true, some of it still doesn't. Iím not comfortable labelling myself although I do accept that I have a drink problem. Last October it came to a head when I came in from a gig and passed out in the bathroom, only to have my partner scream, cry and kick the door down as she thought I was dead. I begged and pleaded for another chance, asked for help as I didnít want to end up like my dad who is an alcoholic although he never did anything about it, and would probably say today that he is not one. The thought of turning out like that scared me, but not enough to keep me from going back to drinking and going out to get Pi**ed again a month ago. Like many of you here, I planned on having a few and once I started I didnít want to stop. I couldnít get enough. I used to think this was because I was greedy that I couldnít get enough but now realise that it was because I was making excused to hide the real problem.

Iíve been out of the family home now for nearly 4 weeks and have taken some steps to making a recovery. I havenít had a drink since 25Th January 2010 and to be honest, at the moment, Iím not missing it, nor do I have any plans to go back to it. Iíve come really close to losing everything and that may still be on the cards if I donít get myself sorted or even if I do. I donít know if my partner will want to walk this road with me. She keeps telling me not to do this for her and the kids but obviously they factor in my recovery. The councillor I saw this week told her no-one goes to rehab without their hand being forced. This was good to hear, because from her point of view I Was doing it under duress and apparently I needed to wake up one morning and decide I was going to give it up and that was that? I visited a councillor a few times in the last month, but just this Wednesday I went to see a different guy with my partner. She spilled her guts and said what she was feeling and told him that as she also came from an alcoholic mother ( single parent family ) she has less of a tolerance for me drinking and also recognises that I have a bigger problem than I am willing to accept.

Itís the understanding and acceptance of it that I cannot get my head around. At the moment I am looking at going into rehab for 4-6 weeks and am hoping that this will give me some clarity and understanding of my issues. Will I get this in Rehab? Iím not so sure. Am I supposed to work this out on my own? I think I have an ok grasp of it but Iím not sure if I am doing what I need to do. I know I canít drink, I know I need to stop drinking, I am looking forward to a life without it. The one problem I have is friends and family telling me I drink like everyone else and maybe itís my partners upbringing that is the problem. I know itís not and itís hard to hear because they donít understand that I am a drinker.

When I gave it up in October I lasted 6 weeks before having a drink. I used Christmas as an excuse. It was always on my mind and I was thinking about it constantly. I feel this time itís different. Itís not always on my mind. IĎm not thinking of future events and stressing because I wonít be drinking at them. Iím not thinking years ahead and worrying about not drinking so I feel different about it this time. Maybe because I donít feel Iím being pressured into it, itís more my decision and Iím happier with myself. All I can do, as I was told during the week, is choose not to have a drink today and worry about tomorrow when it arrives.

Iíd love to hear your valued opinions and experiences to help me out. Today is my 26th day without drink and I feel good, and more importantly, I feel postitive about the future.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:41 AM
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I know for me, stopping drinking was only the beginning.

At that point, the hard work began.

Drinking is a symptom of underlying problems, problems that I had been avoiding for years and years. They were still there and I had to go through them.

I don't think it matters if or how you label yourself. The main thing is to stop drinking and to begin to recover. And, I know for a fact, that others (normies) do not understand addiction and make comments that show they don't get it. You need to follow your heart.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:47 AM
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Welcome to SR! Congrats on your sober time. Rehab is supposed to teach us how to live without our drug of choice, how to make changes in our lives to support recovery and allow us to live sober. I hope you find the answers you seek. And I do'nt think rehab is not chosen unless someone is forced into it. Lots of people choose rehab because they want to recover and need some help with it, especially at first. All the best to you and your family.
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by keepcominback View Post
I wouldn't be too worried about the label.



So perhaps this is about your idea of what an alcoholic "is". Do you think it is a negative label in any way?


Good Luck to you!
Yes I do see it as a negative, and as was pointed out, if I had cancer, diabetes, whatever, it would be easier to acknowledge, but then again I think it would also be easier for the people around me to accept. I know It's me who needs to deal with all of this, and I need to do it on my own, it's just sometimes trying to explain it to people who just don't get it, or won't listen, is very tiresome. For the last few days all I've been doing is sleeping on and off. Luckily I'm in work today so I have to stay awake, but I think the stress of thinking about it is wearing me down, but having said that I am a bit more positive. I think because my idea of an alcoholic like my dad, coming in drunk every night, fighting, frightening us with the shouting etc, has me thinking of the negatives. Then again, who's to say if I don't continue to be sober, I won't end up doing the same.
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by keepcominback View Post
Alcoholics Anonymous :

You will see on this page a way to read the book Alcoholics Anonymous, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions if you like.

Thank you, I will have a proper read of this. Maybe it'll make some more sense to me.
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:13 AM
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Welcome to SR....

I think you are heading into a better future without alcohol
Congratulations!

I did not go to a rehab ....I went directly to AA
and it's been an awesome adventure in recovery....

All my best to you and your partner
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:24 AM
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I did try AA and some things I found true to my own situation, and some I found were crazy - then again maybe they were about me and I just didnt' realise it. Maybe it's time I started going back to AA and try to be more open minded..
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:40 AM
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Welcome to SR. Betrue.

I know where you are coming from.
I didn't think I was an alcoholic either, still don't as a matter of fact.
I quit when my wife gave me that one last chance and I decided that this time she was serious and I still think she is.
I wrote her a letter promising to never drink again or she can leave me for good and this was acceptable to her.
I read this letter almost every week and that along with a list of the negatives of drinking, which I read whenever I get that urge is enough to keep me from drinking.
It has been over a year and our marriage is stronger than it has ever been in 25 years.
It sounds like your wife wants things to work out and may give you yet another chance.
I also come here to SR for support and that has worked out well for me also.
You may need more support though.
I wish you all the best for you and your family.
Peace.
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Old 02-19-2010, 02:27 PM
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Hi betrue

I think it matters not what you call it - only that you do something about it now.

From what you've written here there are some pretty good red flags here that you yourself have identified:

Originally Posted by betruetomyself View Post
Last October it came to a head when I came in from a gig and passed out in the bathroom, only to have my partner scream, cry and kick the door down as she thought I was dead.
The thought of turning out like that scared me, but not enough to keep me from going back to drinking and going out to get Pi**ed again a month ago.
Like many of you here, I planned on having a few and once I started I didnít want to stop. I couldnít get enough.
When I gave it up in October I lasted 6 weeks before having a drink. I used Christmas as an excuse. It was always on my mind and I was thinking about it constantly.
Clearly there's more going on here than normal drinking, and it's great you've recognised that - it took me the best part of 20 years to accept that in me.

I've never been to rehab so I can't offer experience there - I do believe tho that any recovery programme needs a firm and solid commitment underneath it - you need to want to be sober...and more than just 'for the wife and kids'...

You're nearly at 30 days so you''re well on your way - keep it up...use us for support

Good to have you with us
D
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Old 02-20-2010, 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by keepcominback View Post
What things seemed crazy to you? Share if you like. You may find it helpful to move over to the 12 step forum for advice on working the AA program.To be able to honestly share what seemed crazy, get some feedback. There are many people there with help for you.
Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I really do hope I find the answers I'm seeking here, and through reahab and AA. I've looked up meetings and am going to go. Hopefully I'll find some answers. I just need to make some sense of it all. I do realise I have a problem and it needs to be addressed.

As for finding the people at the meeting a bit crazy, I just found some people, in particular one, who appeared to be there for a joke. Saying she'd had a drink the day before because of an argument and now her sobriety date had to start again. But that wasn't the crazy thing, it was the reaction, or lack of reaction to it that I thought was strange. Maybe she was well known to the meeting and was always coming up with excuses but no-one seemed to care about it. I dunno, maybe I've just watched too much TV about AA and expected more from it. As I said, I'm going to try a few different places and find one that I like and hopefully feel confortable enough to share my fears and worries with.
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Old 02-20-2010, 01:04 AM
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but then again I think it would also be easier for the people around me to accept. I know It's me who needs to deal with all of this, and I need to do it on my own, it's just sometimes trying to explain it to people who just don't get it, or won't listen, is very tiresome.
hi betrue,

i'm glad you found this site, it has helped me so much. it is a place where we all understand

i also go to AA, and have found it to be essential to my recovery, i can feel my 'stinkin drinkin thinkin'' come back if i miss too many.

I just found some people, in particular one, who appeared to be there for a joke. Saying she'd had a drink the day before because of an argument and now her sobriety date had to start again. But that wasn't the crazy thing, it was the reaction, or lack of reaction to it that I thought was strange
lol, i think all groups have one of those, just like that family member everyone 'has one of!!"
ignore that and concentrate on listening, things will start to make sense, hang around older sober members (older as in length of time sober)
read the literature, get a sponser.. all things i was told to do, and i did them without even really knowing what would happen, i just knew i didnt want to go on like i was.

when i first went , i thought 'how stupid saying i'm an alcoholic, is that really necessary? i'm never saying that!"
they were telling stories of stuff that i had never done! but if i listened closely enough there was plenty of stuff in there i HAD done, and i knew it was a matter of time before i had done more, of the stuff they were talking about.

I was told when i started going to listen for the similarities, not the differences.

overall i found it to be a positive influence on my recovery, but i realise it is something i need to constantly work on.....

but life is great, and they tell me it just keeps getting better, if i just keep going back, so why wouldnt i??

good luck
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:01 AM
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Welcome to SR. You are making a right step here. I would suggest you "try" to live in the day. In the beginning I could get pretty quickly overwhelmed if I started thinking about all the events that I would no longer have alcohol at. That was then and this is now. I had to reorganize my thoughts and my lifestyle and now I have made my life full enough that there is no room for alcohol. I consider that a past chapter and I have turned the page. You can do it too. You have to change and change comes from within. Just a few thoughts for you.

Welcome once again.
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