Hi All,
I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site for a while and while some of it rings true, some of it still doesn't. I’m not comfortable labelling myself although I do accept that I have a drink problem. Last October it came to a head when I came in from a gig and passed out in the bathroom, only to have my partner scream, cry and kick the door down as she thought I was dead. I begged and pleaded for another chance, asked for help as I didn’t want to end up like my dad who is an alcoholic although he never did anything about it, and would probably say today that he is not one. The thought of turning out like that scared me, but not enough to keep me from going back to drinking and going out to get Pi**ed again a month ago. Like many of you here, I planned on having a few and once I started I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t get enough. I used to think this was because I was greedy that I couldn’t get enough but now realise that it was because I was making excused to hide the real problem.
I’ve been out of the family home now for nearly 4 weeks and have taken some steps to making a recovery. I haven’t had a drink since 25Th January 2010 and to be honest, at the moment, I’m not missing it, nor do I have any plans to go back to it. I’ve come really close to losing everything and that may still be on the cards if I don’t get myself sorted or even if I do. I don’t know if my partner will want to walk this road with me. She keeps telling me not to do this for her and the kids but obviously they factor in my recovery. The councillor I saw this week told her no-one goes to rehab without their hand being forced. This was good to hear, because from her point of view I Was doing it under duress and apparently I needed to wake up one morning and decide I was going to give it up and that was that? I visited a councillor a few times in the last month, but just this Wednesday I went to see a different guy with my partner. She spilled her guts and said what she was feeling and told him that as she also came from an alcoholic mother ( single parent family ) she has less of a tolerance for me drinking and also recognises that I have a bigger problem than I am willing to accept.
It’s the understanding and acceptance of it that I cannot get my head around. At the moment I am looking at going into rehab for 4-6 weeks and am hoping that this will give me some clarity and understanding of my issues. Will I get this in Rehab? I’m not so sure. Am I supposed to work this out on my own? I think I have an ok grasp of it but I’m not sure if I am doing what I need to do. I know I can’t drink, I know I need to stop drinking, I am looking forward to a life without it. The one problem I have is friends and family telling me I drink like everyone else and maybe it’s my partners upbringing that is the problem. I know it’s not and it’s hard to hear because they don’t understand that I am a drinker.
When I gave it up in October I lasted 6 weeks before having a drink. I used Christmas as an excuse. It was always on my mind and I was thinking about it constantly. I feel this time it’s different. It’s not always on my mind. I‘m not thinking of future events and stressing because I won’t be drinking at them. I’m not thinking years ahead and worrying about not drinking so I feel different about it this time. Maybe because I don’t feel I’m being pressured into it, it’s more my decision and I’m happier with myself. All I can do, as I was told during the week, is choose not to have a drink today and worry about tomorrow when it arrives.
I’d love to hear your valued opinions and experiences to help me out. Today is my 26th day without drink and I feel good, and more importantly, I feel postitive about the future.
