Settled in life now... but want to progress but fearful.

Old 02-02-2010, 12:27 PM
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Settled in life now... but want to progress but fearful.

Hi, I have reached the stage now at nearly 7 months where I have a steady job, car, future plans nicely in place, feeling stable, feeling more confident and self-esteem ever increasing, looking good etc.

Basically I have reached a status quo where everything is going steadily well but I have reached the stage where I feel like I could now work on getting a life outside the stable "recovery" life that I have built up ie- dating girls.

I am at the stage where I would like to progress to maybe thinking about getting a girl to just give me the next level of my life basically. I want some companion to give me stuff to do outside work etc. Don't get me wrong I ain't at all wishing for this or hung up on it but obviously at work I get some attention and I could pursue this tbh but I am fearful and a little apprehenive and don't really know what to do in many ways. And BTW this aint a "ask your sponsor thread"!! LOL.

I am conscious that pursuing a girl or whatever is bringing my own self-will back into the equation and don't want to also put myself at any risk bearing in mind that I am a recovering alcoholic.

I suppose that it's great now that my "fear" isn't really related to drinking but in something which I have very little experience in tbh ie- dating girls. I was always plastered tbh and used to meet them whilst drinking/drugging.

I guess it shows where I've gotten to. I guess its the fear of the unknown that is the scary part as I don't want to get hurt or put myself at risk or anything.

Anyway I thought I would post it here as I find it therapeutic to type out where I'm at and I'm sure this is not an unusual stage in recovery as it's sort of like emerging from the cotton-wool protected life of recovery and into the unknown.

Peace and Love xxx
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Old 02-02-2010, 12:40 PM
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Hey NEO!! What is "tbh"?

I totally hear ya. I have dipped my foot in that pool a couple of times and I'm still pretty much single. I'm ok with that. I also have kids, school and an X husband that's still so far up my butt, so my situation is different but all the more reason why still being single just keeps my life SIMPLE!!! WHEW!!!!

I think you've already said all that you know you need for yourself and just go slow. Use your "recovery" tools, keep your motives in check and you'll be fine.

I can tell you that while I did make some attempts at having a relationship it didn't take long for me to think to myself "this is why they say to wait at least a year", be a little more strong in your recovery, kwim???

Good luck NEO and have fun. You kick @ss.
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Old 02-02-2010, 12:44 PM
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Neo, it sounds like you're doing really well! Be proud of yourself!

But, I cringed a little when you said you're thinking about getting a girl to give you the next level of your life. I think it's good that you're looking for companionship and love, but a girl will not 'give you the next level of your life'. If you hit it off with a girl, then you two, as a couple, will both benefit and your lives will be enriched.

It's understandable to be nervous about dating in your sober life. It's something that will be a learning experience for you. My advice would be to keep yourself centered and focused and keep your heart open. There are no guarantees in the dating world, as I'm sure you know, but hopefully you can have some fun and maybe meet someone special.
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:24 PM
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I agree with Anna, Neo.

Don't be looking for someone to complete you or take you to the next level or anything like that. I spent years doing that with disastrous results.

Keep doing what you're doing and, I agree, keep your heart open - and see what happens, naturally and organically

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Old 02-02-2010, 01:33 PM
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I think there may have been a slight misinterpretation of what I wrote there.

I was just writing off the cuff and didn't re-read what I wrote and I still sort of think what I wrote sums up where I'm at, or else I wouldn't have written it I guess.

Basically at the stage where I can feel I will soon be at the next stage of my recovery and so thus moving onto the next stage in my life. Not looking for anyone to take me to any other level or anyhting like that but just do what feels natural and right for me but obviously a little fearful as it's the next "stage" of my new life. My words and feelings about it for me personally.

Just sharing where I'm at. It's all Gravy!
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Old 02-02-2010, 02:44 PM
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Don't resist, allow
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Hi Neo,

Say you get some attention from a girl at work and you go out on a date. Bearing in mind, I guess that you want to actually have a relationship rather than just something purely physical, how would you feel if she makes a move early on for something more than you want, before you are ready? (apparantly some girls are like that )

Do you think you could cope with that? Do you think you would feel pressured to give in even though it is not how you would want the relationship to play out in the beginning (bearing in mind your hormones might be racing too)? Do you think you could really follow your heart/HP and take things slow even if it meant she rejected you.......perhaps even then started gossiping about you??

As Anna said there are no guarantees in the dating world. When you put yourself out there you are in a position where you could be hurt.....sometimes it is worth it......Just be sure you are ready for that.

I think you are doing great. Your recovery is inspiring to a lot of people, particularly of your age.
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:15 PM
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All food for thought. Thanks for the replies.

Whatever I decide in my life one thing is for sure... staying sober remains my main priority in my life as without that I ain't got Nothing!

Peace and Love x
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