Maybe I'm not in the right place

Old 01-31-2010, 12:21 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
leec's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 17
Maybe I'm not in the right place

I'm not recovering. I am ruining myself. I am afraid to close my eyes and jump. I'm afraid to go to my first meeting. I think the reason why is that I'm terrified that it will be a negative experience, and it's all I have left as far as hope.

Right now I have nothing, really. What little I do have I am losing fast. I've never tried so hard and failed so miserably. I am living each day just to get it over with.

I apologize if this was the wrong place to post this.

leec is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 12:25 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
We Do Recover
ANGELINA243's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you are here. This is a great place for support. It's a start at least--reaching out and asking for help. That's a HUGE step forward in itself. Again--welcome.
ANGELINA243 is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 12:28 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
CarolD's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community...

I'm sorry you are feeling so low

What kind of meeting are you talking about?
CarolD is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 01:03 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
leec's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 17
Thank you a LOT for the warm welcomes. I was talking about AA meetings. Starting to read this site more, and it gives me a lot more hope than I had a couple hours ago.
leec is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 01:13 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
CarolD's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740

Yes you are in the right place
and many of us are winning over alcohol.
This can be true for you too.

Have you talked honestly with your doctor
about your drinking patterns? De toxing is a
medical issue and can be dangerous
CarolD is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 04:25 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Dee74's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,569
Hi Lee

Like Carol said, I hope you're considering seeing a Dr. - it's a sensible move.

I remember very clearly the fear of knowing I had to 'jump' but being deathly scared of doing just that.

Recovery was my 'in case of emergency - break glass' thing - for that 'someday' when I needed it. It was my little life preserver.

If I failed that, what then?

Well...'someday' arrived - I nearly died, so I jumped.

I made it - but I see now it's not an exam, Lee...noone gets graded on recovery - we're just in it - all together

If you have a negative experience at one meeting, go to another one, mate.

You will have noticed in your reading, some of us fall down and slip up - we get up again, learn from our mistakes and keep moving on.

We don't shoot our wounded. And you're not alone in this

I've never regretted choosing recovery. I don't think you will either.

Hope to see you around some more.
Welcome to SR

Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 05:23 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
least's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,527
Welcome to SR! I know you may feel all alone in this but you're not. We're all in this with you. Do'nt lose hope.
least is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 06:56 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I have expereinced those feelings Lee (hug)

If you go to a meeting, or if you continue to visit SR .... you will see many who like you and I reach a point where the fear of hoping and believing seems as strong as the fear of continuing in the despair.

then you said...
Right now I have nothing, really.

So what is the harm in jumping into truley have nothing to loose

Ananda is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 06:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Jomey's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Welcome Lee. Glad you are here. I had a lot of the same feelings you do, but like everyone else said, you will NEVER regret choosing recovery. You can do it. Jomey
Jomey is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 07:11 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Don't resist, allow
intention's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi lee and welcome.

People at AA know exactly how you are feeling right now. You are not alone. I hope you can get to a meeting.
Thanks for sharing.
intention is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 08:03 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
HumbleBee's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hello Lee ~ You're in the right place, with the right people, at the right time.

Lots of support, caring and understanding here. Welcome.
HumbleBee is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 08:07 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
humblestudent's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Welcome, Lee. I can tell you in my experience, these boards are among the very best I've found online for support. You will find loads of support and shared experience and understanding - without being judged.

There is hope. And while I am a newbie to recovery myself, my life is already getting better almost every day.

You're doing the right thing. Welcome!

humblestudent is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 08:17 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Its time for bed
c49's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
Knowing that I wasn't the only one to fail while giving it my all HELPS BIG TIME!

Like Dee said, many of us have relapsed and slipped but learn from it. Find out what went wrong and do whats required to prevent it again. Post and see... it is therapeutic!

None of us quit the first time we wanted to
c49 is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 09:28 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Welcome! Keep reading and posting!
coffeenut is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 09:47 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Omega10's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Welcome Leec!

Here's a thought... maybe by joining the site and posting, you have already taken the first jump! I read the posts on the board here for a week before I joined, and as I watched the lives of a few people unfold before me, I was inspired to join. Best jump I ever took!

I have a few more jumps to take, like going to my first meeting and contacting a counsellor to help me work through some issues. But taking the small jumps that I have done over the past 2+ weeks made the journey a lot less overwhelming, and a lot more manageable.
Omega10 is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 11:30 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Originally Posted by leec View Post
I am living each day just to get it over with.
Welcome, Lee.

I was doing the same... now it's getting a little easier.

Take care,

thirtybubba is offline  
Old 01-31-2010, 12:38 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
Hevyn's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,190
Hi Lee! I definitely felt that way many times. Like Dee, I was killing myself. I'd been at it for over 25 yrs. & it was sucking the life out of me.

When I found SR I wasn't ready to quit, but the more I read I knew what I had to do. These people had all made it out, and I could too! Being no longer alone gave me the courage to finally reach out for a new life. It was hard at first, because numbing myself was all I'd ever known - I had to grow up quickly & face the things that I'd screwed up. I felt so miserable all the time - I wanted to see what it would be like to be free of the poison, so I held on for dear life and just took tiny baby steps until I felt human again.

After that, it was all uphill, though sometimes I couldn't see the progress. I went through so many phases - I was angry in the beginning & resentful that I couldn't keep drinking. Then I thought - why would I want to? It had been many years since I had a happy, fun time drinking - now I was just drinking to stop the shakes. I wasn't enjoying anything, just getting through the days in a numb state - phoning it in.

You can do this and we'll help. Tell us how you're feeling. Sharing here has saved my life.
Hevyn is offline  
Old 02-03-2010, 02:47 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
leec's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 17
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for being there.

As far as seeing a doctor, that's not possible right now. I'm currently unemployed and between my former employer and the COBRA people, they delayed getting the ball rolling with COBRA until about 1 week ago. Now they tell me I can pay $600+ per month for the privilege of having insurance back at some unknown time in the future. Bottom line, I have no medical insurance right now and therefore no doctor.

Meanwhile, I did land a job interview this Friday for what would be a good job, so I decided to stay dry at least until Friday. Yesterday was day 1. Today is day 2, and I feel restless, bored, tired beyond imagining, sad to the point of tears, and a million other things, but I am pretty sure I can make it through today until early evening and then take a sleeping pill and go to bed before I have any second thoughts otherwise (I've been an evenings-only drinker).

I know Friday is going to be an extreme challenge, because
1) I will have gone through being dry for the minimum amount of time I promised myself I would
2) I will have come out of an interview (the all-afternoon type) and will have a lot of stored up stress from that
3) it will be Friday, and in the past just being Friday has unfortunately been enough of a temptation to start again

It would be nice to think that, Friday evening I'm going to go to my first AA meeting, but I know that's easier said than done. I think ultimately whether I start going to meetings is going to be a very literal matter of life or death for me, because I have no safety net whatsoever. I have no family. I live alone. The very few real friends I have all live a distance away. My father and 2 brothers live on the opposite side of the country (and it's never been a very supportive family), and the woman I have become progressively closer to for the last 6 years has just decided to get completely immersed in her parents' cultish religion which does not allow close relationships with those outside their belief system. So ... I need people in my life desperately, and I don't see how else that's going to happen except maybe by ending this habit which seems to do nothing so much as it puts up more and bigger walls between myself and the rest of life.

Writing what I just wrote just took everything out of me. You all have been very kind to welcome me. I can't thank you enough.
leec is offline  
Old 02-03-2010, 02:59 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Anna's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,095

I hope you can begin to find peace in your life.

Please know that there is always someone here at SR who can offer support. You can always come here and read. It might help to plan to be doing something specific on Friday after your interview. Do whatever it takes for you to not drink.
Anna is offline  
Old 02-03-2010, 03:13 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
4ever's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 219
Welcome Lee!!

Like Anna said there is always someone here to offer support when you need it.
4ever is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:14 AM.