Hi Lee! I definitely felt that way many times. Like Dee, I was killing myself. I'd been at it for over 25 yrs. & it was sucking the life out of me.
When I found SR I wasn't ready to quit, but the more I read I knew what I had to do. These people had all made it out, and I could too! Being no longer alone gave me the courage to finally reach out for a new life. It was hard at first, because numbing myself was all I'd ever known - I had to grow up quickly & face the things that I'd screwed up. I felt so miserable all the time - I wanted to see what it would be like to be free of the poison, so I held on for dear life and just took tiny baby steps until I felt human again.
After that, it was all uphill, though sometimes I couldn't see the progress. I went through so many phases - I was angry in the beginning & resentful that I couldn't keep drinking. Then I thought - why would I want to? It had been many years since I had a happy, fun time drinking - now I was just drinking to stop the shakes. I wasn't enjoying anything, just getting through the days in a numb state - phoning it in.
You can do this and we'll help. Tell us how you're feeling. Sharing here has saved my life.