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undertow

Old 01-09-2010, 06:02 PM
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undertow

Wanting a drink so bad itís killing me, how will I ever be able to do this, my girlfriend says sheíll leave me if I drink again and already Iím plotting ways to get away with it, donít even know why, itís not like itís going to make anything better, Iíll just regret it anyway, damn I wish I could handle my life, just so out of control, all the shame and guilt piles up and I just want to numb it away, the desire to spiral out away from myself, afraid to dive within, afraid to accept myself, to have confidence to succeed, I donít understand how to make it through the day, where to get happiness from, is this a disease, was I born with it, why is everything so damn hard, jesus, I donít know, itís been 10 years, and still the same downward spiral, the same snares and traps, what am I to do, a wine glass, the taste, that nice burn, and the cool comfortable buzz of those first two or three drinks, if only I could remain there, that glow to be okay, to not be here at all, whatís so bad, I canít figure it out, I try to tough out but itís not working, meditation fails, working out only lasts a short while, the books and the talking cast a foundation that I always begin to chip away at, donít know anymore, do I love alcohol more than my real relationships, why do I choose someone that wants to kill me, that makes me regret all my actions, that corrodes my health? Iíve got to get over this, I need to know the way, I hate it, and it makes me hate myselfÖ.anyway, Iím not going to the store so at least tonight Iíll make it through for now..one day at a time, eh? Still makes one wonder about tomorrow. Or dread it. The fat is in the fire, I suppose.
In the meantime, hereís a poem I wrote a while back that I think aptly sums up my disastrous relationship with alcoholÖIf you donít want to read it, no worries, but I just wanted to throw something creative in here in hopes that maybe some of you can relate. And thanks for all the postsóIíve reading on and off here for quite some time, and your posts have been an inspiration. So thank-you. Selah.


seductress

shrouded by insatiable thirst
i try in vain to fill the void
and too much, is never enough
so if i'm one in thirteen
i'm far more than twelve steps away

tonight i die and iíll die again
my bottomless magdalene
my sweet seductressóconstant reminder
of what'll never be mine
a parasite, forever and ever
bleeding my confidence dry

until finally conspiring to relieve me
of my own miserable existence
and i can't leave her
i'm caught in her undertow
somehow comforted by the knowledge
that i know what will kill me

senses fail as i sacrifice my center
and naked and numb and belligerent
i stumble, into her black pool
suffocating, saturating
my will and reason
and every night, softly killing me

there's no mystery in this mere routine
just a sordid dance in the wake of
my own destruction,
so if i'm one in thirteen
i'm far more than twelve steps away
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:16 PM
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..lovely poem...
..it seems IMO.that great art has come about from ones own misery..

..welcome to SR..DownInIt..n best wishes...oz..
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:28 PM
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Hello Down. I completely understand just how you're feeling tonight. I've been there many times. I had almost totally destroyed myself with a 25 yr. drinking career. I had DUI's, ruined relationships, health issues. I knew it was get off it or die.

I was miserable in the beginning and I fantasized about how wonderful a drink would taste and feel. We've had this discussion earlier on SR, but it bears repeating. You must "play the tape through to the end". If you caved, where would that drink really take you? Would it be euphoric or a living hell? Who are we kidding - it's never fun or relaxing any more. It always takes us where we don't expect to go, and creates chaos in our lives. The cool, comfortable buzz - the glow, as you put it - is not coming back for us. We've passed the point of no return with this thing, or we wouldn't be here.

Each time you make it through a time like this you become stronger. One day you'll barely give alcohol a thought, let alone be obsessed with it. You'll build a new life for yourself that doesn't include anesthesia. You are right - drinking will not make anything any better - you already know that. Some never learn the truth. Keep on going, you can do this! Let us know how you're feeling, we care.
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:30 PM
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Hi DownInIt

Welcome to SR.

I remember being in a similar bind.

Eventually I determined to change my life, I had to change my life.

To me, that meant finding support and, for me, that support was SR.
Other people find that a face to face group like AA or SMART or LifeRing et. al. helps...

I hope SR can be the help to you that it was to me
Keep posting

D
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:10 AM
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AA has given me a wonderful new life with purpose and joy.


Welcome to SR....
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Old 01-10-2010, 01:22 PM
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thanks for the encouraging comments everyone. it's surprising how much it helped just to open up about how I was feeling last night re: the urge to drink.

"It always takes us where we don't expect to go, and creates chaos in our lives. The cool, comfortable buzz - the glow, as you put it - is not coming back for us. We've passed the point of no return with this thing, or we wouldn't be here."

Hevyn, what you wrote definitely rang a bell with my own situation. Your right about the point of no return. Normal drinking will never be an option for me. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. Believe it or not, today seems easier, although I know this is far from over; however, I suppose I'll just focus on now.
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