undertow
Wanting a drink so bad it’s killing me, how will I ever be able to do this, my girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I drink again and already I’m plotting ways to get away with it, don’t even know why, it’s not like it’s going to make anything better, I’ll just regret it anyway, damn I wish I could handle my life, just so out of control, all the shame and guilt piles up and I just want to numb it away, the desire to spiral out away from myself, afraid to dive within, afraid to accept myself, to have confidence to succeed, I don’t understand how to make it through the day, where to get happiness from, is this a disease, was I born with it, why is everything so damn hard, jesus, I don’t know, it’s been 10 years, and still the same downward spiral, the same snares and traps, what am I to do, a wine glass, the taste, that nice burn, and the cool comfortable buzz of those first two or three drinks, if only I could remain there, that glow to be okay, to not be here at all, what’s so bad, I can’t figure it out, I try to tough out but it’s not working, meditation fails, working out only lasts a short while, the books and the talking cast a foundation that I always begin to chip away at, don’t know anymore, do I love alcohol more than my real relationships, why do I choose someone that wants to kill me, that makes me regret all my actions, that corrodes my health? I’ve got to get over this, I need to know the way, I hate it, and it makes me hate myself….anyway, I’m not going to the store so at least tonight I’ll make it through for now..one day at a time, eh? Still makes one wonder about tomorrow. Or dread it. The fat is in the fire, I suppose.
In the meantime, here’s a poem I wrote a while back that I think aptly sums up my disastrous relationship with alcohol…If you don’t want to read it, no worries, but I just wanted to throw something creative in here in hopes that maybe some of you can relate. And thanks for all the posts—I’ve reading on and off here for quite some time, and your posts have been an inspiration. So thank-you. Selah.
seductress
shrouded by insatiable thirst
i try in vain to fill the void
and too much, is never enough
so if i'm one in thirteen
i'm far more than twelve steps away
tonight i die and i’ll die again
my bottomless magdalene
my sweet seductress—constant reminder
of what'll never be mine
a parasite, forever and ever
bleeding my confidence dry
until finally conspiring to relieve me
of my own miserable existence
and i can't leave her
i'm caught in her undertow
somehow comforted by the knowledge
that i know what will kill me
senses fail as i sacrifice my center
and naked and numb and belligerent
i stumble, into her black pool
suffocating, saturating
my will and reason
and every night, softly killing me
there's no mystery in this mere routine
just a sordid dance in the wake of
my own destruction,
so if i'm one in thirteen
i'm far more than twelve steps away