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I could use a little help...

Old 01-07-2010, 12:35 PM
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Sober Date 12/21/09
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I could use a little help...

I know this post should go in the relationship section, but I feel everyone I know is here. If it gets moved, that's okay, too.

I am only 18 days sober. Up until now it has felt really great because I had been drinking for so long that being sober feels "different". But now old issues and conflicts are surfacing again and I'm not sure I have the tools to handle them.

Two months ago I broke up with the best boyfriend I've ever had. He is loyal, honest, trustworthy, responsible and the best friend I've ever had. The problem was lack of affection and chemistry. He is not a very affectionate or sexual person and over time it started to wear on me. I began to wonder if maybe we weren't better off being friends, hence the breakup.

But now that I am sober I am starting to see him differently and wondering if I made a huge mistake. We've been very close ever since the break up and still hang out from time to time and talk on the phone several times a day. But lately he's been making lame excuses as to why we can't hang out and now I've discovered he's interested in another girl from our social group and wants to start dating again.

This is tearing me apart. I don't know if my emotions and new found desire for him are real or if it's jealousy or my sobriety. All I know is it causes me great pain when he blows me off or doesn't answer the phone with the same excitement that he used to when he knows it's me. He was the only one who stood by me when I did drunken stupid things and the only one who stayed with me a few months ago when I almost committed suicide.

I don't know if I should back off and let him move on or what. I hate being lonely and I really want to date, but I've been reading that it's too soon in my recovery. I hate that he can move on to other women and I can't date yet. What should I do? I feel really alone and scared right now.

P.S. And we are still in the same social circle so I see him all the time, I can't avoid him. And I also want to apologize because I know others in this section have far bigger problems than mine. I just didn't know where else to turn.
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Old 01-07-2010, 12:49 PM
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Glad you posted. Congrats on 18 days. Right now in early sobriety you will be going through alot of emotions. Although thinking of him and your past mistakes might seem very painful, right now at this moment you must not get distracted from what you need to do for yourself. Keep recovery first. Stay focused on getting better. Keep close to those in your "recovery" circle---your support team. Let him be for the time being. Who knows what may happen later on.........none of us know what the future holds. One thing is for sure--once we pick up a drink--well, we know what that outcome will be-----nothing good. Keep priority on keeping sober. We do recover.
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Old 01-07-2010, 12:56 PM
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You'll hear it suggested and I do agree that it's best not to date in early recovery. Some people say to wait a year, or if you're in a program wait until you've been through the Steps at least once. I've seen marriages survive recovery, I've watched people date successfully, and I've witnessed more than a few that crashed & burned. I'm not a relationship expert, I tried dating after a year sober and it was one heck of a rollercoaster ride.

I know it can be painful to care about someone so much and to not experience the closeness we want, having to be around them brings up deep emotions and more hurt. But looking back now on the string of dysfunctional relationships and marriages I went through, I understand that God did for me what I couldn't do for myself.......instead of me getting what I wanted (a companion who would "fix me" and "make me whole") I was given a time-out from relationships so I could work on myself and focus on my recovery.

I'd still recommend posting this in the Relationships forum, it might take awhile to get a response but you'll get some different perspectives. And rather than post the whole thing here, I'll just link to a reading called "God's Plan For Your Mate Selection". I believe these words, this became the truth in my life.... God's plan [Archive] - Christian Chapel Forums
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Old 01-07-2010, 01:30 PM
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My suggestion is to not do anything at the moment.

Day 18 is fabulous, and you need to keep focusing on your recovery.

I know when I began recovery, I began to see many things in my life from a different perspective, just as you are now. But, that perspective may shift yet again, who knows! For example, I had always regarded myself as needy, and preferred to not be alone. Yet in recovery, I recognize that I am much more independent than I ever thought, and I not only love, but need, my alone time.
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Old 01-07-2010, 01:58 PM
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If you are still interested in your old boyfriend in a romantic way I think you should tell him.
As far as dating goes I think it is a good idea to wait for the reasons mentioned plus you may be just subconciously trying to make your ex jealous.
Be true to yourself.
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Old 01-07-2010, 02:15 PM
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Yep, I'm newly sober and new to sobriety. I'm on dating restriction until my sponsor tells me. ...and I'm glad for it. One less thing I've got to worry about.

It's for the best (jmho).
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Old 01-07-2010, 02:22 PM
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Congrats on 18 days sober! You should be focusing on YOU. If there was lack of affection and chemistry before it's probably still not there and it sounds like you just want him back because he's moving on and not there for you all the time. If you really care about him let him move on be happy forhim and accept him as JUST a friend which sounds like what you felt for him inthe first place.
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Old 01-07-2010, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I

Two months ago I broke up with the best boyfriend I've ever had. He is loyal, honest, trustworthy, responsible and the best friend I've ever had. The problem was lack of affection and chemistry. He is not a very affectionate or sexual person and over time it started to wear on me. I began to wonder if maybe we weren't better off being friends, hence the breakup.

But now that I am sober I am starting to see him differently and wondering if I made a huge mistake. We've been very close ever since the break up and still hang out from time to time and talk on the phone several times a day. But lately he's been making lame excuses as to why we can't hang out and now I've discovered he's interested in another girl from our social group and wants to start dating again.

This is tearing me apart. I don't know if my emotions and new found desire for him are real or if it's jealousy or my sobriety. All I know is it causes me great pain when he blows me off or doesn't answer the phone with the same excitement that he used to when he knows it's me. He was the only one who stood by me when I did drunken stupid things and the only one who stayed with me a few months ago when I almost committed suicide.

I don't know if I should back off and let him move on or what. I hate being lonely and I really want to date, but I've been reading that it's too soon in my recovery. I hate that he can move on to other women and I can't date yet. What should I do? I feel really alone and scared right now.
hey girl

The first paragraph I left in and underlined was something you wrote and it stood out at me massively. Best friend. Sometimes, we wish our best friends could be more than that, especially when they are kind to us in times of need. Thats my opinion on that part.

The second paragraph above actually does the same for me. He is doing what any good friend would do, he is being there for you in this very hard journey. Has he tried to take you out on a date?

Then the last paragraph says it again. Its about you and how you feel right now, not about him. You are lonely, absolutely understandable, I have a partner by my side and feel lonely because she doesnt know what I am going through, its not possible since she isnt an alcoholic.

In my opinion, you need to let him go, set him free. If he is meant to be yours, he will come back to you when the time is right.

I agree, now is the time for you - plugging it up with a partner wont help fix the other things popping up (imo).

Take care of you
keep taking every day for today
keep posting (anywhere you want)
Rach
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Old 01-07-2010, 03:13 PM
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Based on MY experience I was really lonely and confused and wanted to feel better and hated sitting in the pain and I went into relationships. It hurt me more in the long run and it hurt HIM even more. Love him? Get better first.

((hug))
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Old 01-08-2010, 09:24 AM
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Thank you all for your responses, it has made me see a little more clearly that I need to let him go for now. However, I just want to be clear. Is casual dating out of the question? I'm not looking to get into another serious relationship, but I haven't made a lot friends here outside of my relationships and it would be nice to go on dates. What are your thoughts about that?
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Old 01-08-2010, 09:51 AM
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Now that I've got a few years sober and I've dated and recently remarried in recovery, this is my thought......

Can I keep my emotions separate from my recovery? Can I casually date someone but still stay focused on sobriety, or will my emotions and feelings trigger me in any way to turn back to my addictions?

Yes, I think it's possible to date someone casually. Personally the best thing I've learned is how to have a friendship with someone, then try dating them. My wife was my best friend, no matter what happened I always wanted her to be my best friend. It was a process of learning that I could accept hurt, fear, and other emotions without feeling the need to numb them with a drink or drug. That was a new experience for me.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:02 AM
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I don't feel that dating will trigger my drinking. Is that the main reason you're not supposed to date? I thought it was more because you don't know who you really are, what you're really feeling, etc. Which for me is a little bit true. I guess I feel that the "new me" is ready to impress someone! LOL Is it too soon for that? Even for casual dating?
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I don't feel that dating will trigger my drinking. Is that the main reason you're not supposed to date? I thought it was more because you don't know who you really are, what you're really feeling, etc. Which for me is a little bit true. I guess I feel that the "new me" is ready to impress someone! LOL Is it too soon for that? Even for casual dating?
Aw sweetie. The "new you" isn't even 1/20th of what you can be. Of what you WILL be. You have a whole lifetime of blessings to come.
For ME again, the booze and drugs filled a hole I had in me. A deep hole that couldn't be filled even with boys. Find yourself, fill that hole with healthy stuff, get whole and then go out and tackle the dating world. It is tough out there and you are in a fragile state right now. Give yourself some time.
I couldn't do it no matter how much I tried to convince myself.
I learned in treatment that relationships were my first "drug". The first thing that make me feel better about myself and I chased that feeling for decades.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:18 AM
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Cool

I hate it when people are right. LOL

You kind of nailed it for me. I do always run right to dating to make me feel better. *sigh*

I need some girlfriends.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I hate it when people are right. LOL

You kind of nailed it for me. I do always run right to dating to make me feel better. *sigh*

I need some girlfriends.
Are you going to AA?
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
I hate it when people are right. LOL

You kind of nailed it for me. I do always run right to dating to make me feel better. *sigh*

I need some girlfriends.
LOL Sunset I still today hate it when other people are right, but just for a split second and then I am thankful for them helping me out.

In AA there is a great many years of combined experience on new rerelationships in early sobriety. That experience has shown that most of the time new relationships in early sobriety result many times into relapses.

In AA it is strongly encouraged that in early sobriety the men stick with the men and the ladies with the ladies, we have found that one stands a far better chance to get thier sobriety on solid ground by thier primary focus being on recovery.

I may be 56, but I am not dead, if I had been single when I first got sober and then decided to have a relationship with a lady....... I have to be honest with you and myself, a lady friend could easily become my first priority rather then recovery.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:33 AM
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Ya know I think I spent my first month or two in AA just hoping that some amazing woman would notice that I looked really pitiful and would want to make me her pet project, fix me up all shiny and new. I also figured that was the secret to not having to work the 12 Steps. A woman could really show me the "easier, softer way".

Yeahhhh right!! Thankfully my HP didn't see things the same way. I'm really grateful for the time alone, and I also used some of that time to make new friends and hang out over coffee.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:34 AM
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Not yet, so far SR has been my only resource.

Also, I was going to take my ex out to dinner Sunday night to thank him for some of the really great things he's done for me recently. I guess I assumed it would be like our old dates: dinnner, back to my place, hang out and have him spend the night. I probably shouldn't think that way and I'm not even sure if HE was thinking of it as a date and/or planned on staying over. But I was, and that was wrong.

I just called him and explained everything and asked if I could take him to lunch one day next week instead. He didn't even seem upset about it. So that hurt a little, but I guess it also means I made the right decision. But this is going to be hard. I don't often do well when my feelings are hurt. Especially by men.
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Old 01-08-2010, 10:53 AM
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Not yet, so far SR has been my only resource.
LOL actually the majority of what is shared here is thanks to the experience, strength & hope of people in AA here.

I have looked at other programs and many of the things they suggest doing sprang forth from AA. Absolutely nothing in the world wrong with that in my opinion, there are common denomintors among all recovery programs and since AA has been around and successful longer then all the others it just makes sense.

Look AA does not work for everyone, but some of the knowledge gained from AA is used in other recovery programs that do work for folks. Bill W. & Dr. Bob were always looking for alternatives to AA that would work for those that AA did not work for.
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Old 01-08-2010, 12:26 PM
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Just came back from a meeting.

The reason I asked is because the people in AA are like a second family to me now. I met some of my best friends there.
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