I admit to wanting pieces of my former drinking life too. I miss those good times while I had drinks. I miss the holidays having a big happy buzz. Truly I do.
I know what you mean by feeling the loss of no alcohol for the rest of your life. I'm 32 and if I let my mind wander I can easily conger images of parties and toasts that EVERYONE is participating in except me. Yeah, it can seem like a big gap in life. It would seem easier to accept if I was 50 or 60 and quit alcohol because there would be fewer years left in my life to not think about it, or crave it.
What if we could switch gears and think about how we can live our life with less drink-induced-drama? Realistically, we got (knock on wood) about 50, 60 or so years left of life. I do not want to live them in a puddle of vomit, wondering what I did, what was said, did I drive, emails, apologies - and how am I going to get a drink to be rid of these shakes. Back when I drank, I often didnt feel all that great even when I had 6+ in me.
For us, those few hours of happy time just became too much for us to control. While I lament the loss of the good times, truly I do, I absolutely do not miss the mess it made.
As I sit here on the morning after Christmas I accept that I didn't live it up with family and friends who did yesterday. I also accept with gratitude that my body is not sick, my anxiety is contained, and I know what I did yesterday. I may not get my highs but thats because I cannot live with the lows.
Congrats on living sober for Christmas!