Dream2bClean

I could use some support. I know that is what SR is about. O had back surgery a year ago and during that time I lost a job being able not to go back to work son enough. I have pregressed very badly with pain med addiction but mainly alcohol. 2 alcoholic parents 1 recovered. EVERYDAy for the last year I PROMOISE to quit aty least drinking which leads to worse things for me such as going to using my pain meds in the worst way.

I got a job the opther day, in this economy, in my field, I am so excited. I have so much anxiety b/c I have beenb sitting around drinking all day for the last 6 months have went to 3-5 interviews a week, just got a great offer with benefits WHICH IS UNHEARD OF NOW, as well as 401K and vacation and only 8K salaraly lewss then what I use to make which is also great these days.

I have a gome and a daughter and a super supportive husband but its not like I dont want to work or we have the money for me not to I love me career and the happiness it brings me equally to my fmailky. Regardless I am trying to not drink today but I am alsready very tempted.

Probably this early b.c they dont sell alcohol on Sundays in this state and I ran out mid afternoon yesterday so I have been sober (well without alcohol) since then but I am craving it like crazy right now, I want to be happy and my husband is supposed to get off work early today so we can go Christmas shopping for our daughter (we are way behind b/c of my job offer and just waiting for them to say the word for me to start after all the corporate BR check drug test etc.

(which I pray I pass and only have consumed meds that are prescribed for me but I dont know and that iss causeing me so much anxiety b/c they usually as you what med you are on and who they are prescribed by and they didnt so I dont know if I will pass or my life will continue to be unemployed which also caused me great depression.

I am tying not to drink today but I dont think I am going to make it

Stereosteveo

Did one of your parents recover?

keithj

Hi, Dream. Are you an alcoholic? If you're not, and you have really good reason to quit drinking, then just quit drinking. But if you are, you may be unable to quit based on the desire or need to quit.

Judging from your sign-up date, you've been considering quitting for a few years now. Ask yourself the question, why have you been unable to quit?

Asking those questions of myself is what led me to a solution for my own alcoholism.

Dee74

Did you get to check out AA and NA like you planned, Dream?

D

Dream2bClean

Yes my father is recovered most of his drinking was due to his PPST from Vietnam that he never dealt with and once he delt with that he was able to recover, he asked my mother to join him (my senior year of HS) or go on her own way and continue drinking, she decided to keep drinking, left the family, and I have not spoken to her since. Thank you for asking.

I have not as of yet I did go to NA (and loved it) about 5 years ago (beofr eI had my daughter) and was able to stay clean about 3 times for 30 days but I really struggled with getting a female sponsor b/c due to the above (I think) I have issues with most woman. Not outrightly, but I dont want to call them or get close or share with many of them as easily as men and no I am not super pretty and have never been one of those girs that has ALWAYS had a boyfriend and went from one to the next, i was very much a tomboy and ugly duckly and def. have gotten more femenine and a little pretty with age but I am from far a man magnet if you know what I mean.

Since my back surgery 1 year and 3 months ago, and losing my job RIGHT THEN, (Just got one this week!) and having all this free time for my srug and alcohol problems to escalate I am def. an alcoholic and addict...no question. Now I just need to figure out what to do with a new job (where I have to have if we want to keep our home, I dont even know how we got trhough the last year) I know my life is more important and I wont do my husband or daughter (3 yrs old) ANY good dead but I also know I will make A LOT of changes once I am working and feeling good about myself.

Thanks for asking!
Dreams

Dee74

Well, you know yourself nothing changes if nothing changes Dream....

If you don't feel NA will work for you, you owe it to yourself to look hard for something
that does

good luck!
D

Dream2bClean

I know it does and I liked it A LOT the only problem with it is my husband has back problems too (yes I realise these are his problems not mine) and he does take pain meds and yes I do think he abuses them but he doesn not feel like he can work or carry the family like he did working his very physical job and another on the side for the past year with me previously being the "breadwinner" and bieng unemployed.

His excuse I hate it and I know. He thinks that in NA I will be told to leave him and break up our family if he continues to take pain meds and drink (which he actually rarely does anymore (drink that is) which he stopped to try to motivate me to stop... but he unfortuantely isnt willing do that with the pain meds and it kills me)

i tell him NO ONE EVER told me to leave him beofe when I went to NA but he really wants me to do it alone.

Stereosteveo

"he never dealt with and once he delt with that he was able to recover,"

Well I feel like that was/is a big part of recovery. Do you know exactly how he did it? Like was it psychiatric counseling? The reason I ask is that if he by chance did it through AA or something he might be a really good guide for you.

At any rate I'm 100% sure that if you don't limit yourself and keep seeking out a sponsor that fits you, you will find one. Sometimes the best fit may be the one you dislike the most however. So the story goes. So maybe keep that in mind.

I've heard of some women having men sponsors.
Here's one:
Karen G
She's pretty funny too.

Luckyv2

All you can do is what is best for you! You have to be selfish sometimes when it comes to recovery. I know this to be true to me.

My ex did leave me but I will tell you and most old timers here know this that her leaving me is what saved my life. I would have never recovered if she would have been with me. I am not telling you to leave him

You just have to make your own decisions. I personally don't attend NA anymore. I do go too AA however, and I go when I want. I don't go everyday just like today I didn't go. I really don't even associate with any of them but a selected few and they are all guys. I am a guy too LOL

So what's my point? I don't know I forgot

LOL

Just don't drink it won't help!

Luckyv2

Oh yeah my point!

I have server back trouble as well as a knee that is out...

They can't do surgery on me any more in my life, cause of my breathing issues.

I have to take pain meds

I at a time when I relapsed on alkiehaul abused them

I just got the script of vikes refield today

I could have filled them 1 week ago. I still had 3 in my old bottle too.

Pretty good for a Alkie Addict to be able to do that ehhh.

Not by me ...God does it I think?

Dream2bClean

vIC,
For the response but by 11:30 AM about 15 min after I poster this and drank and have now shot up my pain meds at 12:30 AM with having to start a new job n a day or 2 that I dont (whihc I have NEVER felt like this in my field before) I dont feel very confident and hate myselff and have no Iidea ho9w I a going to make it...I will for my daughter but I am 33 now and NEVER though I would live past 30 and when I did na ddicided to have a child with my husband and previous drug dealer (we have been together over 15 years) and he is a great man and any woman would be lucky to have him.

I think differently than other woman though,m I love the fact he can fix anything andgotta go

Stereosteveo

It didn't start getting really rough for me till after 25. Then after 30 it was a total nightmare. I almost made it to 35 before the pain became worse than anything I could have ever imagined.

An old guy in AA told me:
"Chances are you will get cirhosis, you might get in a wreck and kill someone, or yourself. Who knows?
Maybe nothing will happen. You might live till 70. But in the meantime, if you don't do SOMETHING, you will just keep feeling like you do right now for the next 40 years or so...."

That really floored me..

55438

Hi Dream2bclean,

Thank you for posting, I am new here too and have a lot to learn. I see myself in your posts.

My challenge to you - read all of your posts when you are sober, do you see the difference?

We are here together.

55438

Dream2bClean

Uh yeah 55438,

I am a very literal person who loves the English Language and I basically Worship Words I saw what I wropte and how I type and I am ashamed and embarassed. I NEVER drive after doing ANYHTING that is 1 smart attribute I have but other than that how am I going to be successful in this job it took me 1.3 years to get when I am living this way? I wont be successful and that will lead me into a deeper depression and make me want to use more.
It just sucks b/c my husband is fine with me using, snorting anyhtiong but he is a needle phobe (which is a GREAT thing) b/c if we both liked it we would be done and our daughter would be the one paying the price although I am sure she already it

yeahgr8

That old guy in AA had a great message, it wasn't the dying or the liver or whatever that scared me it was the prospect of having to wake up feeling how i did another morning...brilliant!

Dream2bClean

Thank you that certainly makes sense, but I NEVER felt like this like I cant stop the anxiety even with klonapin it too intense and I dont feel like I can go out in public and I am supposed to start a new high profile job in 2 days.

Lord help me!

Dreaming

jazz66

The worst thing that can happen when you start your new job is
you might looz it.
If you stay in and dont go at all youl looz eny way

I too feal like i dont want to go out every day.
but push my self and when i do its never ass bad ass i thought it would be.
most off the time its quite good

I dont have a dreem job .but if i had i would do evrything in my power to make it work.

good luck

Stereosteveo

Ya trying to imagine another 40 years of it, only slowly getting even worse every month as the years go by...

Yeah and well he meant drunk or sober. I was like 5 days abstinent, trying to figure out if I was done or not, when he pointed that out.
It got to where I just had that thick dark cloud they talk about around me ALL the time.

p. 151:

"For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt - and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!"

Dream2bClean

Thank you very much, I just dont know how to get a day 1 I know after that I can do it and I should be going back to work this week, yes my first day may be Christmas eve but I dont care I have been out of work (not drinking or drug related) for 1 over a year and applying for over 100 jobs a day and going to 5-6 interview for jobs with NO benefits and No pay, this job has it all and I am just waiting on my drug test which I am scared about b/c I had b.c surgery and my meds are prescribed but they didnt ask me about that so I am freaking out I can t lose this job!
Regardless of that...how did anyone you get your day 1?
Thanks,
Dreams

Stereosteveo

Oh God Dream. A job is not going to fix you. I've heard many a story about highly successful people in the regards to a career etc. that decided they could not go on anymore. Even though on the outside they had everything to live for. Sad stories indeed. This is an internal condition. Nothing "out there" is going to make you whole.

I've never withdrawn from any chemical where things didn't get "really bad" on the 3rd day and so forth. Usually I would have such a high build-up that I could cope somewhat for the first day or 2 with the residual chemicals still in my system. Then I beagn to get "really dry"...Day 1 is a great leap. But if you have no clue how to get through 1 day, how will you get 2, 3, 4?

From your postings I get the impression you, like so many of us going in, have no clue of the degree of the depth of the situation. But what do I know? I know it can be very dangerous without a lot of help. You might need a controlled detox so to speak.

Maybe if you get the job they will help you immediately. I don't know. If I were you I would seek some kind of specialized professional advice on what to do and how to do it.