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I lost again tonight.

Old 11-18-2009, 03:35 AM
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I lost again tonight.

Gosh, it makes me sick to think I'm even typing this, but the truth sucks sometimes.

Even after posting here, and swearing to myself that I wouldn't get drunk tonight, I drank again.

Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that whatever you call me matters?

Is this life or death for you or are you truly like me, fighting a battle that could and will kill me?

Are you better or just different than me?
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Old 11-18-2009, 03:44 AM
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Sorry to hear that, but I'm

Too much the same as you, D. Too often...

C'mon, we can do this... I believe that again... didn't much believe it on Sunday. You will see different once you sober up, that much I can guarantee.

Stay safe now,
TB
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Old 11-18-2009, 03:58 AM
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Yes, it is life and death for me. But, I wonder why you phrase your questions in terms of how "we" will judge you? I really haven't picked up on a lot of judgementalism here on SR, but a lot of support.
One thing you haven't mentioned is: how is your program going? Has it worked for you? If not, do you have a backup plan or can you think of why you relapsed?
You are just starting out and are new to all this.
If you look at many of our oldsters, (not age, but sobriety) they also struggled early on with relapsing. But in the end, they finally found some internal mechanism that worked.
Just keep trying.
You are one of the different one's. If you walk out on the street today, count 10 or a dozen people. Three of those people have some kind of addiction issue. Food, you can see that. Drugs, you can't see that, until it's gotten chronic. Alcohol, again, that smart dressed woman walking past you could be in the chronic stages...and has already had a drink today at 8AM. It goes on and on.
But you are different because you are trying to stop. Most don't. Until it is too late.
Keep up the struggle.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:00 AM
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Sorry to hear that and you should know that we all failed at giving it up more than once.

So where do you go from here? You went back for drinks and it sounds like that didnt make you happy... take that in, write it down, just remember how you are feeling about this. What changes can you realistically make IF you want to stay FREE??

Everyone has different ways, some may or may not suit your taste, just keep your mind open to being satisfied with a full sober life.

Off topic: I had to get my high BP down... meaning NO more garbage in my diet... I gave oatmeal a try for breakfast. I hated it, just like early sobriety. Weeks and months went by and it was just 'OK' then because I began to notice more energy in my day. Now I enjoy it. Not so much because of it's taste (It still tastes like cardboard unless you add fruit and a half pound of sugar) but I enjoy it because of the positive impact on my day - more energy and generally feel better. I go about my days now with oatmeal and ZERO booze... not because they taste good or give me euphoria but because it makes the entire 24 hours I have to live for feel better than having fried eggs with martini's.

Eat your oatmeal LOL!!!
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:14 AM
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I've got to say, that story and analogy about outmeal really cracked me up, thanks for laugh!!
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
Even after posting here, and swearing to myself that I wouldn't get drunk tonight, I drank again.

Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that whatever you call me matters?
Every alcoholic, recovered or not knows what you're going through, so we're definately not going to call you anything negative; empathy is what we feel! Each of us knows the craving and unease you suffer when you want to drink, and we know it can build up to such a pitch where you just can't fight it anymore. Its not a moral question, or one of strength or weakness.

Are you working a programme? AA worked for me, but there's other programmes out there too.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:59 AM
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Yes, alcohol damn near killed me. I know where you are, I have been there.

Don't give up the fight, stay sober today.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:01 AM
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Firestorm,

It was life and death for me and I am not better than you.

We are all on this journey together, and you can do this.

Learn from your experience last night and move on.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:05 AM
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Yup life and death for me too, it does make recovery a lot easier in my opinion if you actually believe this to be true and have lived the proof!

Dont really have much else that hasn't already been said to help you mate, good luck:-)
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:25 AM
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Sorry to hear that you drank, firestorm.

No one is going to call you names though. We are here to support you.

I wish you strength.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:27 AM
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Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't shame yourself into sobriety, my darling. I tried. It doesn't work. All it does is keep you beating your head against the cement floor. I had to decide to let myself off the hook. And believe it or not, it worked. Sobriety is an act of self-love. I know this sounds like BS, but try being kind to yourself. You deserve a good life, don't you? You DO, in case you don't believe it yourself.
xxoxoxox
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:55 AM
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Hi D. I saw this somewhere.."you can't get to wonderful, without passing through alright".
Apparently some of us have to pass through crap, too. Don't stop trying! :ghug3
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:05 AM
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Looking at your words is just like looking in a mirror..the first part anyway......I fail too my friend. Judge you? Nope. Am I better? Nope. I choose to stand next to you instead.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post

Are you better or just different than me?
Terminal uniqueness can take many forms... don't let yourself get sucked in to believing this one.

Your AA so I hope you mind a spiritually based answer....

God loves us all, we are his children. He wants what is best for us. All we have to do is seek him. And... we must have faith. You are struggling with this higher power thing. Don't worry about conceptualizing God... use blind faith if that's what you want to call it... in a sense that is all I have...I can't and won't explain my higher power to you..... it would be meaningless, just a bunch of very limited words to explain the unexplainable.

We are no different from you my friend. That's why no one will judge you. Only you can try to judge yourself... and you shouldn't try... you'd be trying to be God... it would still be a very self centered attempt at sobriety...

Do you want to keep trying to fill that hole with alcohol? Your higher power is ready to do that for you. Just ask, just seek, and you will see. He is the only One who can.

Mark
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:59 AM
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I have done that so many times too. Came here and thought I was ok. And then still went and got high.
I know I am no better than anyone. Not here or anywhere.
In fact I am finally coming to terms that I am alot like everyone like me.
I am leaving for treatment in and hour and a half.
I am going with 100% honesty to myself and whoever is goign to help me.
No more trying to fool myself or others.
I am taking the armor and masks off.
I have no choice.
I really dont have any advice.
Just dont stop trying and DO something about it. Soemething other than you have been.
Cause whatever it is you have been doing isnt working.
Hang in there.
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:10 AM
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Is this life or death for you or are you truly like me, fighting a battle that could and will kill me?
I see these as one in the same. Also had nothing to do with me being 'better' about anything over anyone else, I just got sick of dying.

I hope you get there soon.
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that whatever you call me matters?

Is this life or death for you or are you truly like me, fighting a battle that could and will kill me?

Are you better or just different than me?
I'm not going to call you anything, only you can call yourself an alcoholic. My name is Scott, I call myself an alcoholic, it matters only to me.

I'm no better than you and I'm certainly not different. I cannot drink safely, ever, it's not an option for me. To drink is to die, it might be quick or it might be a slow death, but eventually I'm gone.

God has always walked beside me, but for most of my life I denied His presence or I pushed Him off the curb when I thought I could handle it myself. I guess sometimes I still push Him away, but I know without a doubt that I'm safest when I keep Him close by my side.

I love oatmeal. That's an awesome share
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:12 AM
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I'm neither different or better. Every time I told myself "never again" even if I didn't say I was in recovery or going sober to anyone...but then went there, again...it was a relapse, same as you.

This year I came close to killing myself several times with drugs and alcohol both intentionally and unintentionally.

I'm in recovery now, and forever.

hugs, glad to have you on my team. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:33 AM
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Hour by hour then day by day.

This can't be taught, self taught.

Don't hang that weight you carry it is too heavy and now is the time to cut that load in half. keep the sober train moving Wooot Wooot......
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:36 AM
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Firestorm, I'm so glad you posted. Back in the day, if there had been an SR & if I'd had the nerve to be honest, I'd have sounded just like you. I kept it all to myself - but you are coming here to share with us all your ups & downs. You don't see that as progress, but I do. If you were a lost cause or doomed to die of alcoholism you probably would be isolating.

I feel closer to the people here than I do to most anyone in my life. Even though I've never laid eyes on any of you in person. The ties that bind us are so strong - no one understands us the way we understand each other. So I will never call myself better or smarter than anyone here. Like Smacked, I just did not want to die. That's why I laid it down. FS, do not give up on yourself - the pain will end when you get some sober time under your belt. You're not giving yourself a fighting chance to move past the early days of emptiness & fear.
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