I'm neither different or better. Every time I told myself "never again" even if I didn't say I was in recovery or going sober to anyone...but then went there, again...it was a relapse, same as you.
This year I came close to killing myself several times with drugs and alcohol both intentionally and unintentionally.
I'm in recovery now, and forever.
hugs, glad to have you on my team. Thanks for sharing.