Yes, it is life and death for me. But, I wonder why you phrase your questions in terms of how "we" will judge you? I really haven't picked up on a lot of judgementalism here on SR, but a lot of support.
One thing you haven't mentioned is: how is your program going? Has it worked for you? If not, do you have a backup plan or can you think of why you relapsed?
You are just starting out and are new to all this.
If you look at many of our oldsters, (not age, but sobriety) they also struggled early on with relapsing. But in the end, they finally found some internal mechanism that worked.
Just keep trying.
You are one of the different one's. If you walk out on the street today, count 10 or a dozen people. Three of those people have some kind of addiction issue. Food, you can see that. Drugs, you can't see that, until it's gotten chronic. Alcohol, again, that smart dressed woman walking past you could be in the chronic stages...and has already had a drink today at 8AM. It goes on and on.
But you are different because you are trying to stop. Most don't. Until it is too late.
Keep up the struggle.