Old 11-11-2009, 06:34 AM
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15 days....then it got me. I don't know if i will ever recover. i went to my first aa meeting when i was 18 (dui #1).. dui#2,dui#3 jail, scares on my face...then 26, then 30,31,32 etc. i'm 45 now and i don't want to live like this any more. i'm afraid to trust anyone, i have always gotten burned, i have no close friends and i live alone. i like being alone that's not a problem. the problem is the obsession in my mind of alcohol. it is driving me crazy and it is killing me. if i continue to live this way i'm not really living at all. i feel hopeless..if it wasn't for my animals i would be ready to say goodbye to this world. i fight this demon and i am losing, i hate alcohol...i am so angry that it is everywhere, on tv in every store, everyone at work talks about it like it is so wonderful and i just laugh and inside i want to scream. the last 15 days each day i was sober i looked back a year as if i was deleting that year and every year has been a mess i realized. i feel like i am truly being stalked by evil (alcohol)...what am i going to do...where do i find the strength..i mean i need an army. thank you for listening, if you have an advice please respond.
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Old 11-11-2009, 06:47 AM
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I had to go to detox, I was at a point in my life where drugs where my husband, my best friend, my husband and the only thing I cared about. They had taken over my life! I learned a lot in detox, I was safe, I escaped the drugs for a little bit.

I would say you need to go to a doctor and admit your problem, there are medicines now that help us, you might think about rehab. Rehab isn't as scary as you might think and you learn so much about the addiction and yourself. It starts when you are really ready, you are so fed up you can't live that way anymore and it sounds you are on the right path.

This site is family for me, they love me when I don't love myself. They have helped to keep me clean because there is always someone here. Take the next step and go to a doctor. I thought my doctor/drugdealer was going to judge me, think of me as just another addict but he showed me love and concern, gave me detox medicine once I was out of detox (because I was still detoxing when I came home). You can do this, we can't do it for you. You have to take the next step!!

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Old 11-11-2009, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by bark View Post
the problem is the obsession in my mind of alcohol.
That is exactly what I found, bark. I could stop drinking, get through the detox days on sheer determination, but after a few weeks or months, that obsession would get the better of me. I'd find myself picking up a drink for no particular good reason. It always seemed like anxiety or boredom, or a little resentment, or self-pity or something. But none of it made sense in 'light of the almost certain consequences,' as the Big Book says.

You understand alcoholism from an AA perspective, and you sound hopeless. that's a great start. When I was at that point, I gave myself completely to the simple program outlined in AA, also like it says in the BB. I found a guy that talked about a spiritual solution as being my only hope, and asked him to take me through the steps.

The result was that I recovered from that hopeless condition, and I haven't had to take a drink since. More importantly maybe, a have a good life, and the last few years have been more content than I've ever known.

Without that spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, I'm sure I'd still be caught in that despair of non-drinking times between binges.
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Old 11-11-2009, 07:21 AM
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Thank you for your reply, i went to my doctor in jan and told him the truth he prescibed me camprol and i took it for awhilebut it gave me bad headaches. i quit taking it, i still have athem in my medicine cab. i will try to take them again...maybe the withdrawal was giving me a headache. and i would love to go to rehab..i support myself and have no paycheck to paycheck so i'm trying to do this a home. thank you for taking the time to reply. next payday i am going back to the doc. tell him about the headaches...maybe there is something else he can prescribe.
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Old 11-11-2009, 07:27 AM
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thanks keithj, i get very nervous at aa meetings. I smile and say hello when i want to cry. i don't know how to get a sponsor...what if i get the wrong one and i get more screwed up. i have 2 meetings i really like and they have seen me come and go for the pas 10 yrs. they always ask if i'm doing okay..i say fine. i don't want to whine or show self do you approach getting a sponsor? thank you again for your thoughts.
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Old 11-11-2009, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by bark View Post
they always ask if i'm doing okay..i say fine. i don't want to whine or show self do you approach getting a sponsor? thank you again for your thoughts.
Everyone that sat down at those tables felt just like you did at one time. Next time you got to a meeting, tell the folks there exactly how you're feeling, and ask for help.
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:36 PM
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hi bark

I remember being sober was very scary's the fear that makes a lot of us go is really vital. We need people to bounce the fear off of, and let them reassure us it's ok.

Do see about a sponsor - and keep posting here.

I really liked what you said to someone else when you first came here
Don't waste another minute of your life to alcohol
I think you should heed your own advice, bark
Get back on the right road

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Old 11-11-2009, 04:27 PM
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First, start going to a lot of meetings. Be honest. If you're not doing well. say so. How can others help if you say you don't need it. Look around for someone who has some sobriety and says intelligent things in meetings. Ask him to be your sponsor. And you're not getting married here, so if it doesn't work then get another one. No big deal. But get back to the meetings you like. The more often you go the more friends you'll end up making. You're never going to recover sitting home alone.
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Old 11-11-2009, 04:44 PM
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Laozi Old Man
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Originally Posted by bark View Post

...where do i find the strength..i mean i need an army. thank you for listening, if you have an advice please respond.
You find strength by becoming less self-centered and more other-centered. You don't need an Army, just a power greater than yourself.
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Old 11-12-2009, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by bark View Post do you approach getting a sponsor?
When I approached my first sponsor, it was out of the blue. He was a guy that had reached out to me months before because he could see I was dying, despite me always saying I was fine. I called him up, had to remind him who I was.

I didn't like the guy much. He was one of those book thumpers. But he talked about a spiritual awakening and how to get it. He talked about the hopelessness of alcoholism and the spiritual solution to it. I knew that he knew how to work the program, and I was convinced that I needed it.

He made me one promise when we started working together, and that was to always tell me the truth, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I promised him I would be honest instead of telling him what I thought he wanted to hear.

I'm very opinionated about sponsors these days, bark. I think the majority of people sitting in a room of AA, regardless of how much sober time they have, have very little business sponsoring another through the 12 steps. The requirements for a good sponsor is that they have had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, and they can carry that message to you. Find somebody that knows the Big Book, and sticks to the program outlines in that book and not their own program.
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