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Any Parents of small Kids out there?

Old 10-27-2009, 01:28 PM
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Any Parents of small Kids out there?

I've recenlty begun my journey of sincere recovery (been sober through 2 pregnancies and a period of three months in 11 years of drinking).. that's all!

In exploring the resons why I drink.. especially since I am blessed to be a mother of two and wife and I am finding that it is mostly out of boredom.
I feel so horrible just typing that. Reading books, bath time, bed time all feels less... mundane ...when I have a buzz going. The problem lies in the fact that I feel like I need to drink everyday and that "implulse control" problem I have takes me to the convienient store for beer every time!! I'm sick of it. I can never stop at one either. Never have been able to.

Any advice on what/ how to stop this? Any women in this situation in the past? I feel like such a horrible Mother and the guilt is on my mind hourly at this point.

I need advice!

Thanks so much.
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Old 10-27-2009, 01:36 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

My children are grown, but I completely understand how hard it is to be a stay-at-home Mom with young children.

It sounds like you dislike yourself when your drink and what it's doing to your life. If you want to stop drinking, you can. Talk to your dr, get rid of the alcohol in your house, change your daily routines if you can, avoid the convenience store, do whatever it takes to stay sober.
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Old 10-27-2009, 01:46 PM
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Yep. Actually I met with a therapist for the first time today and it pretty much boiled down to the fact that I'm 'bored'. I hate that word...a more suitable description may be that I need more fulfilling activities in my life besides the homemaker stuff. My kids are 10 and 8 now, so I'm not as busy taking care of them as I used to be, and they're in school full time now. Leaves me with too much time on my hands..and less purpose really. At least that's how it's manifesting itself. I find staying home with the kids gets to you after a number of years. You kinda forget who you are, and I've found I've lost a great deal of confidence. I'm a teacher by trade...starting to sub now to get back out there...but I really have to make myself do it. I've been home for 10 years...hard to get back out in the real world!

You'll feel so much better if you stop drinking. I'm only on day 10, but it's improved my patience, my sleep, etc...now I'm workin on the 'boredom' part. Glad you posted..hope to hear more from ya!
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Old 10-27-2009, 01:53 PM
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Yep, mother of three here. I know there are other moms on here as well. Apparently Oprah was talking about a trend in increasing alcohol abuse among moms recently -- a friend told me about the show. I'm a working mom, but I can still relate to you.

You're not a horrible mom. I don't think anyone is really prepared for motherhood -- we expect it to be a very blessed, glowing, crafty, fulfilling time in our lives and most of the time ... it's just not. Being sober will definitely help you be a better mom, though. I don't know anyone who ever said, "My mom's an alcoholic, but we always had such a great childhood!" LOL.

Make sure when you quit drinking, you work on the other stuff, too. Don't just quit and expect it all to be solved because you're sober. Quit and work on everything else, like making your life fulfilling or facing some problems you might be trying to avoid by drinking.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 10-27-2009, 02:02 PM
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Thanks for the encouragement! I am a working Mother.. just not in the profession I'd like to be.. but times are tough for all, I know.

Maybe that is part of it too.
I printed AA schedules and ordered some books to educate myself.

Any other methods you all use??
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Old 10-27-2009, 02:02 PM
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Welcome Krismutt1

I'm not a parent but as you can see there's lots of support and advice here

I drank, at some level, to escape my life too - being here and reading and posting has helped me build a more fulfilling life in which alcohol and drugs have no place

Hope to see you around some more

D
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Old 10-27-2009, 02:16 PM
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Sorry about the working thing, I confused your initial post with another one.

I dabble in AA, this website, SmartRecovery, and general self-help books for the various issues I'm trying to tackle. I use this website every day, and I go to AA meetings a couple times a week (although I am not working "the steps" and really don't plan to.)
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Old 10-27-2009, 02:27 PM
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i had to have a "sit-down" with my husband and explain my need for "me" time. I also hit the internet looking for something to do that would be fun, a stress release, and get me out of the house and not being "mom."

i like sports and found an over-35 soccer league. sent an email describing myself and what i was looking for. turned out to be just what i needed. Every friday evening i have a soccer game at either 6:30 or 7:50. My family knows it, and sometimes they come to watch, and sometimes they stay home and dad does the parenting. either way, i get to be who i was before i became "mom", i got my self-respect back, and i have fun with my new adult friends.

so find something you can count on each week or so . . . something you don't have fudge around with to schedule . . . let your family know that you need to explore your talents and interests just like they do, and tell them you hope/look forward to their support. (You'd do it for them, right?)

good luck, lady.

(oh, i also started riding a motorcycle. so now i have two places where no one can demand my attention. )
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Old 10-27-2009, 08:04 PM
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Old 10-27-2009, 08:17 PM
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Yep!!! My kids are 10, 8 and 6 and while they are really my reason for living, at the same time I always felt I needed something for me some of the day and turned to wine in the evenings to help take the edge off of things. That got me into trouble slowly but surely over time and made my life a living hell after a few years.

I have stopped drinking and am finding things a lot more manageable -- I work part-time now but was a stay at home Mom for many years. One of the things that was important for me to do was to find other ways to "wind down" at night and deal with stress other than alcohol. The good news is that it is actually possible and becomes easier with more practice. Now after a stressful day I don't automatically think of drinking (like I used to). Instead it's winding down by changing into comfy clothes after work, taking a walk with my dog, making nice dinner, trying to get to yoga class or run. read a book, watch TV... all better options than downing a bottle of wine and all the negative stuff that goes along with it.

You are in good company --- I know there are lots of Moms on here.

Laura
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Old 10-27-2009, 08:28 PM
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I've long passed the Mom stage..I'm a Great GramdMother.
I now have limited finances and vision.

I can absolutely share that AA and SR keep me
interested in life....joy filled and purpose directed.


Welcome to our recovery community
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Old 10-27-2009, 08:38 PM
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Welcome to SR. My kids are grown....I so wish I could have gotten sober when they were little. You can do that for not only yourself....but for your kids. Stick around.
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Old 10-27-2009, 09:39 PM
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Unfortunately, we all have this belief that other parents are doing it so much better than we are. We feel that we need to be super-parents -- to do it all - to give our kids everything (often things that we didn't have).

The reality is that parenting is hard and sometimes it really sucks. There are days when I just don't like my kids - but that is part of learning how to be a parent.

My heavy drinking started when my first kids were born and continued until they were 7. (I have three kids).

Now sober, I find them much more enjoyable and my patience is so much better.

So, we all used to think that drinking helped us relax to be better parents -- when I am now finding true peace with my parenting role without alcohol.

And yes, it does get better until they become pre-teens, I am told.
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:54 AM
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I can relate........just now going back to work after staying home for the last 15 years... ten of those years I spent drinking...not sure if it was boredom or the fact I couldn't handle that life....I feel much better about myself now that I've been sober almost a year and that I love what I'm doing.

I think if I could re do those years I would've taken classes or given myself time to be me...
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Old 10-28-2009, 04:12 AM
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Welcome to SR Krismutt1, well I am not a mom, but I am the father of 6 and the grandfather of 8....... so far! LOL

I printed AA schedules and ordered some books to educate myself.

Any other methods you all use??
I use AA, I us SR as a supplement as well as other recovery books. One of the neat things about AA is we are encouraged to seek out all that is good for our recovery.

I would suggest going to at least 5 different AA meetings, each meeting has its own personality, its own feel, check out ladies only meetings as well as newcomers meetings.

Keep an open mind to any recovery program.
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Old 10-28-2009, 06:08 AM
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Krismutt1,

Dad here of 2 kids not living with me.. 2 and 9. I was working the NA program well and things were going very well and I was seeing my kids all of the time. It was working, the respect was back and all. Unfortunately, relapsed as of late, but picking up the pieces again.so, yes, for me the 12 steps do work. another thing was I had so much guilt and sadness for messing up they're mother's lives, you know, not being there. to the point that they just wanted me out of both of their lives.
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Old 10-28-2009, 06:29 AM
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Does it count as having small children if your 17 yr old acts like a bratty little kid??
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:11 AM
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Thanks all for the encouraging words. I feel like now is the time to get sober before my kids get any older and can actually recognize the difference in my personality. They are 5 and 2 but the 5 year old is really catching on lately. And I know my husband is fed up with it as well. It's a hard situation as he is a chronic pot smoker. He feels like he's married to "two different people" but so do I. unfortunately he's not ever going to stop and I think maybe I've used this as an excuse to keep up my addiction..

anyway, thanks for letting me spill out my thoughts!
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:26 AM
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He might actually stop. I would request BTW that he smoke outside of the house for the sake of your children: that smoke is not anything they should be inhaling. Your recovery is all about you.
You can do this, and you are not alone!
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Old 10-28-2009, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Krismutt1 View Post
I've recenlty begun my journey of sincere recovery (been sober through 2 pregnancies and a period of three months in 11 years of drinking).. that's all!

In exploring the resons why I drink.. especially since I am blessed to be a mother of two and wife and I am finding that it is mostly out of boredom.
I feel so horrible just typing that. Reading books, bath time, bed time all feels less... mundane ...when I have a buzz going. The problem lies in the fact that I feel like I need to drink everyday and that "implulse control" problem I have takes me to the convienient store for beer every time!! I'm sick of it. I can never stop at one either. Never have been able to.

Any advice on what/ how to stop this? Any women in this situation in the past? I feel like such a horrible Mother and the guilt is on my mind hourly at this point.

I need advice!

Thanks so much.

Hey Kris - I apologize if I am repeating something that someone else has said, but I have to go get my son in a very short time. I had only enough time to read your post.

I am a mother of a 6, almost 7 year old boy and I too drank every day at 4:30 - 5:00 pm. Looked forward to it all day. Obsessed type thinking about that time. I am most definitely and assuredly an alcoholic. Why I drank I cannot tell you except that my body and brain screamed for it every day. I did not feel "right" unless I had that glass of wine in my hand at that hour. My gut even screamed out for it.

I almost did not become a mother because I couldn't decide if I could give up the alcohol for the 9 months, which I did, BUT I was 36 years old when I finally made that choice. I stayed sober through the pregnancy through a miracle only because as soon as I came home from the hospital or very soon after I was having wine every night again. I also could not stop at 1 glass. Why bother with 1 glass? I drank until either I passed out or the wine was gone.

Do I feel remorse? A little tiny bit, but I try to stay in the light and think about the choice I have made to remain sober. I have help from the man upstairs in that department. I can't nor couldn't do it without that. I'm not preaching but just sharing my story by the way.

You can get sober. You can enjoy life. You will start living life in the moment and not until you can pour that first drink of the day. You can get rid of the guilt. You have to decide what's more important to you, drinking or living? I really felt that I wasn't living or rather participating in life while I was drinking. I turned down things because I couldn't drink. I had husband put son to bed so I could continue drinking. I could name a bunch of things that I'm not proud of, but I think you get the picture.

To stop drinking I changed my habits. I was not in the house at that "magic" hour. I went outside and played with my son. I took walks. I got on SR EVERY TIME the urge to drink came and I made a 24 hour pledge not to drink. I still make a 24 hour pledge every day. You can too. Its on the "No Quit Thread" I drank juice, soda, coffee, tea, water, kool aid etc. Any thing that was nonalcoholic.

PM me anytime. I will be around SR a lot more soon. My outside job is finishing up the end of November, but I will check every day. You CAN do this and don't beat yourself up. That only will make things worse. You deserve to be healthy and whole. I look forward to getting to know you. Got to run and get my son right now. Hugs - Sarah
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