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Old 10-19-2009, 07:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
Jiva
 

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Well enough Unwell


Hello,

I will try to keep this short,
I found your community this morning and have not left the page since. I was sitting at a local pub contemplating the manner in which I exist. I still sit in the same spot. Alcohol and drugs have consumed me as I have embraced consuming them. Last week I realized I have a serious problem and can without shame acknowledge that I am an alcoholic and addict. I want to stop. Truly.

Over the last couple of years the experiences in which I have partaken to have been so drastic that I have pinned their occurrences almost entirely on the use and consumption of alcohol.

•My mother is a lifelong alcoholic who is currently terminal and on the later stages of cirrhosis, she has approximately 3 months.

•I was arrested and convicted of DUI last year, lost my Firefighter and paramedic licenses. And will never drive an engine or ambulance again.

•Since, I have had 3 jobs that I have been unable to hold due to my addiction.

•My girlfriend and I went to party with a superior of mine from work which ended up in her being raped as I was performing CPR on his wife for respiratory failure due to excessive alcohol intake.

•While on a vacation with my girlfriend and her friends we were driving home on I-5 all of us intoxicated and wrecked at 75MPH. We were all shaken up and bloody but in our intoxicated rant decided to flee the scene and drive 500 miles home. Fortunately we made it.

My mental illness progressed, I was diagnossed with bi-polar disorder and was hauled in by 6 police officers to a mental hospital due to my hallucinations.


These are just a few of my several stories. You share with me and I share with you.

I am thankful to whoever the spirit may be that has kept me alive to this point. I did not hit anyone in my dui, nor did my girlfriend receive one when she should have. I am grateful to be alive most of the time.

I am here to seek other inspirations and interpretations of this disease we all share. As destructive as she is, I believe she is beautiful. My beautiful disease, OUR beautiful disease.

Thank you for welcoming me to your community.

Be well.
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Old 10-19-2009, 07:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 10-19-2009, 08:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!

However, you may be looking at a different disease than mine because I see nothing beautiful about it from my side!

Good luck on your journey.
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Old 10-19-2009, 08:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome! Glad you are here. You are not alone.
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Old 10-19-2009, 08:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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All my fun bottles were empty when I decided to quit.
I certainly hope yours are too....

Sorry to know your Mom is terminal from our disease.

Many of my AA friends are Bi-Polar and take various meds
soooo if you are considering AA.....that is not a stumbleing block.

Welcome to our recovery community
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Old 10-19-2009, 09:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 10-19-2009, 09:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, this is a great place if you are looking to recover from your addiction. Personally I don't see any beauty in alcoholism, my life & I are far more beautiful without alcohol.

Any of the really stupid things I have ever done have been while under the influence, things I would never even consider sober.

All of the best in your recovery
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Old 10-20-2009, 12:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, Jiva...
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Old 10-20-2009, 04:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome friend.

Sounds like you might be done. I hope so. Maybe as some time goes by, you won't find her so.... beautiful.

Mark
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Old 10-20-2009, 04:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
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I'm glad you found us, jiva. In spite of everything that's happened, it sounds as if you aren't bitter, but looking forward to the next phase of your life.

I got sober after 25 yrs. on the rollercoaster ride - so I know it's possible for you also. We'll be with you on your journey if you wish. All your terrible times can be just a dim memory one day - you have everything to look forward to.
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Old 10-20-2009, 04:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR and congrats on deciding to live a sober life. It takes a bit of effort to stay sober but the result is worth the effort.
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Old 10-20-2009, 04:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Jiva!

Quote:
I want to stop. Truly.
I would advise to first see a doctor, tell the doc the whole truth about your drinking and drugging, you may need to be medically detoxed in order to safely begin sobriety.

Quote:
I am thankful to whoever the spirit may be that has kept me alive to this point.
You may want to consider AA for a recovery program and support group if you are spiritual already you have a good starting point. If AA is not for you check out other recovery program. Alcohol is a beast to stay rid of if you are an alcoholic as you say, why battle the beast alone, check out a recovery program after checking with your doctor.

I will tell you this, for me to get and stay sober I had to become brutally honest with myself and politely honest with all others AND I had to be willing to do what ever it took to stay sober!
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Old 10-20-2009, 05:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Jiva
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Old 10-20-2009, 05:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome,

You will find lots of support here.
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Old 10-20-2009, 05:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
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hello and welcome to sr.there is alot of support to be found here.i wouldnt call my alcoholism beautiful but because of it i now live a beautiful life which i may never have got had i not gone to the absolute pits of h£ll and gone to AA.i live the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and it has given me a life that i never imagined possible.like tazman said,,,,,are you willing to go to any lengths? if so give AA a try,you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.you already have a faith in something bigger than you so why not go and utilise that.welcome again.
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Old 10-20-2009, 06:10 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome Jiva - I get it about the "beautiful disease." Mine has been the driver of profound personal growth. I have had to "get sober" three times over my 53 years, and each time has been powerfully transformative for every molecule of my being. So I can report, from my experience, that my beautiful disease kicked my butt through a wormhole and I came out on the other side at a whole new level of consciousness and skill in being alive.

Could I say that I wish I had never been afflicted? I think not. But I have been fortunate - my misery overwhelmed me each time before I had destroyed everything - even many things. From your list, it appears to me that it is time for you to stop before you plummet over an edge that you can't even imagine. There is no end to the depth of alcoholism, (understanding jiva, probably not even death) just how far down we each spiral.

I don't remember when I came across this site. I was drunk and not remembering much of anything. Coming through addiction is a very personal and profound journey. Keep reading, keep looking clearly at where you are . . . may you find all the support and help you need and very best to you. Just start, okay?
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Old 10-20-2009, 08:09 AM   #17 (permalink)
Jiva
 

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I know it is a bold and profound statement to call it beautiful, but you nailed it right on with what I meant and how I feel. Thank you
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Old 10-20-2009, 03:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Welcome Jiva

I'm sorry for your mom, but I'm glad you want to stop.
This is a good place to get ideas on how to do that.

Like Taz said a doctor is a good first step.

D
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