It took me over two years

Old 10-16-2009, 06:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by traderjane View Post
"it's not how much you drink, it's how it affects your life."
Why isn't this official? Sorry for sidetracking your thread, TJ. Still, I wanna know why that's not official.

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Old 10-16-2009, 10:39 AM
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Old 10-16-2009, 11:31 AM
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Thanks for posting your story, Laura! I'm not there yet, but I feel like I'm on my way. Reading here is helping me a lot. I'm really happy for you and wish you the best!!
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:53 PM
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think I am a good example of "it's not how much you drink, it's how it affects your life." Sometimes when I told people how much I drank, they'd compare it to themselves and say, "You really don't have much of a problem." Then I'd start thinking... hmmm... maybe I really DON'T have a problem! And I'd start the cycle all over again.
hi laura.... that is the realization that has come to me as well.. i shared this at my last meeting and it was amazing how many felt the same. whilst i used to drink a lot when i was younger, by the time i stopped i was drinking no more than 2 or 3 glasses of wine..... and it was still affecting my sleep, how i felt, memory... i still have friends who dont know i am going to aa who tell me i've not really got a problem, they also drink more than me.. but either are not ready to stop, or do not suffer the effects i do
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:10 PM
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Hi Jane,

I'm so glad that you're feeling good about things now.

I had to go through so much to hit my bottom. I wish I had not been so determined to moderate my drinking, but I guess I had to do what I had to do. Please know that we understand and I am so glad you have begun to recover.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:16 PM
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thanks Laura thats almost my story as well! Its not how much you drink but the negative effects that linger on and on even after managing to control with "willpower" I am so sick and tired of myself and yo-yo ing "am I or arent I" sometimes I will polish off 1 bottle vino and then a chaser of scotch ( with now ex ah partner) then next time will only have half bottle and think I am NOT an alcoholic. I am so sick of stopping and starting the longest I ve gone this year is 3 weeks at beginning and that was truly a miracle now I can only manage about 7-10 days there always seems to be some excuse that this "demon sitting on my shoulder" will tell me. Thankyou everyone for being here in this truly wonderful inspiring forum. It is truly an oasis of sanity and a godsend!!!!
I am getting desperate but dont know how to get through my sick alcoholic thinking.PS both my parents were victims of this disease my father a violent one who eventually died sober in AA and mother a daily "cup board style'' drinker who died in denial . Isnt that ENOUGH of an excuse to break the family curse so I dont pass it on to my kids and keep the cycle going. Please god HELP ME SEE THE LIGHT AND TRUTH ONCE AND FOR ALL AND GET OFF THIS MERRY GO AROUND!!!!!
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:39 PM
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Good to see you FR Keeping on trying is a big part of success

The only way I got through my sick alcoholic thinking was to not feed it.

Once we take that first doesn't matter whether it's a half bottle or half a case...we've fed the beast and we keep ourselves the same rut, the same circuit - going round and round.....

The thing with most of us is we never cease hoping that we might wake up one day and be 'normal'. That never happens.

We have to change, and we have to work - we have to stop having that dialogue with alcohol and alcoholic thinking...and the only way to do that, in my experience, is to cut booze out of our lives entirely.

We're always here to help you get through the tough times

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Old 10-16-2009, 10:13 PM
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Thanks again to all!

This is going to sound kind of strange, but I'm actually glad I figured out that I'm an alcoholic. It means jumping off that merry go round we all talk about -- no more inner dialog of "Am I or Am I not an Alcoholic?" That really gets exhausting... and those awful sleepless nights where you feel miserable and hopeless.

I went out for dinner tonight, saw some friends of mine at the restaurant bar drinking wine and martinis -- they offered to buy me a drink. I said, "I'll have a cranberry juice." They said, "Okay." And that was that...going to bed sober.
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Old 10-16-2009, 10:26 PM
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same planet...different world
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Came to.
Came to believe.

Welcome to the Fellowship, Laura!
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Old 10-16-2009, 11:36 PM
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hi Laura, are you still going to go to meetings? i hope you give them a good chance.. they have helped me more and more each time i go...
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:06 AM
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Kate -- absolutely. I am going to a meeting today!
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:16 AM
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Congratulations Laura!
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Old 10-17-2009, 09:47 AM
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Welcome to the SR and AA club. I too was happy to have found 'me' and the solution to my problem.

BTW (Where did 'trader' in your name come from?)
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Old 10-17-2009, 10:23 AM
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I think I've known for a long time that I did have a problem. I just didn't wanna do anything about it. I always thought to myself "I'm gonna stop soon. I have to stop soon", and I figured that when I did it wasn't gonna be much of a problem. All my problems would finally vanish as "dew from the sun" (danish expression). That wasn't the deal. I relapsed.
Now I've started AA and it's all making more sense. I'm an alcoholic, which means more than just being a drunk. I've got the alcoholic personality and it's actually a big relief to know that. Now I can work on myself by using the 12 steps. It's pretty amazing that it actually works, but it does! I'm in recovery and it's great. It's hard work but sooo worth it
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:43 PM
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I feel like a totally different person today than I did a few days ago -- I can relate to those feeling Jazz..

My drinking was doing tremendous damage to me psychologically as well as physically. I feel better today than I have in years. Everyone here who has said how great sobriety is was NOT exaggerating. And it's different than quitting drinking and counting days and using will power not to drink.

I take yoga and a big theme of my classes is that things are unfolding exactly as they should. I never really believed that before, although I would hear it and want to believe it. But today not only do I believe it, I can feel it. And it's a very calm, serene, empowering feeling.

p.s. The "trader" part of my screen name is because I love to food shop at Trader Joe's!!
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:49 PM
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One more thing Jazzz.... I think I have always known I had a problem, too, ever since my college days when I binge drank way too much. I thought I had fixed everything in my 30's when I quit drinking in order to have children, but it came back with a vengeance in my 40's.

The funny thing is, my parents actually DO think I'm an alcoholic and yet they don't even know about 99% of the times I have been drunk, the private hell I have gone through, or the most stupid things I have done while drunk. What does that tell you.... denial can be a very strong thing.
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Old 10-17-2009, 02:58 PM
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Just an observation on consuming a bottle of wine... One bottle is about four glasses... Space that out over a three hour dinner party and you are fine. If your like me it hasn't really worked that way. 1 bottle in less than 30 min makes my brain happy. I can't naturally drink less than 2 glasses of anything per hour. Conscious efforts would be required and compulsions to kick my brain cell party up a noch would become unbearable.
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Old 10-17-2009, 08:41 PM
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Congratulations and good luck, Laura!
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Old 10-18-2009, 04:27 PM
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Me too


I, too, struggle daily with the "am I an alcoholic?" question. I had a pattern very similar to yours, the Costco cases, the daily trips to get wine, the 3/4 bottle at a time, just so I could say it wasn't a whole bottle. Still, to this day, I think it really wasn't that much. Maybe what that person said about getting a sponsor while you're close to your last drunk is helpful. I have yet to do that, and actually have 8 months sober tomorrow. This is not bragging. It's actually a little sad, I think, it's just that I too, couldn't bear to say the words, "I am an alcoholic." On some level, I still don't believe it. I try to remember how miserable I was. How ashamed. I was hiding from myself and everyone else. Not just my drinking, but the effects of the drinking, like being hungover. Being hungover was "I'm sick. I have a headache. I have a stomach ache." Rarely was it the truth: "I'm hungover." Hiding meant staying home because I was afraid to drive because I had been drinking--or trying not to breathe on a neighbor who rang the doorbell. Hiding was the feeling of desperation at the end of an evening until I could get my wine fix. And then the feeling of desperation in the morning once again. One gentleman at an AA meeting said, "If I could have lived permanently in that zone between drink 3 and drink 5 all would have been right in my world." I related enormously to that--the trying to get the perfect buzz--the feeling of it coming on and then slipping away. The self-loathing that I gave it so much power in my life. Though I'm 8 months sober, I'm just beginning. Thanks for sharing your story.
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