Me too
TraderJane,
I, too, struggle daily with the "am I an alcoholic?" question. I had a pattern very similar to yours, the Costco cases, the daily trips to get wine, the 3/4 bottle at a time, just so I could say it wasn't a whole bottle. Still, to this day, I think it really wasn't that much. Maybe what that person said about getting a sponsor while you're close to your last drunk is helpful. I have yet to do that, and actually have 8 months sober tomorrow. This is not bragging. It's actually a little sad, I think, it's just that I too, couldn't bear to say the words, "I am an alcoholic." On some level, I still don't believe it. I try to remember how miserable I was. How ashamed. I was hiding from myself and everyone else. Not just my drinking, but the effects of the drinking, like being hungover. Being hungover was "I'm sick. I have a headache. I have a stomach ache." Rarely was it the truth: "I'm hungover." Hiding meant staying home because I was afraid to drive because I had been drinking--or trying not to breathe on a neighbor who rang the doorbell. Hiding was the feeling of desperation at the end of an evening until I could get my wine fix. And then the feeling of desperation in the morning once again. One gentleman at an AA meeting said, "If I could have lived permanently in that zone between drink 3 and drink 5 all would have been right in my world." I related enormously to that--the trying to get the perfect buzz--the feeling of it coming on and then slipping away. The self-loathing that I gave it so much power in my life. Though I'm 8 months sober, I'm just beginning. Thanks for sharing your story.