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Old 10-05-2009, 05:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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WeekendConfusion


I had another dry weekend, which I'm fairly proud of. If I'm honest, surprisingly it wasn't even that tough, but I know that might have been a fluke. On Friday/Saturday the anger and resentment started: Why was I dealt these cards? Why can't I drink like normal people? etc. etc. I know I have to accept these facts because I do know that when it comes to booze I'm helpless completely powerless. This, with help I can deal with and work at. It's the other things that really get to me. All of a sudden the fog is lifting and I see all the things that seem to be wrong in my life. I'm writing seem because I don't really know if they are or if it is my alcoholic mind telling me they are and a drink will make it seem less wrong because you just don't care.
It's been like that most of my life. The grass is always greener blah blah blah and when I reached the other side I was still drinking and things were different but my feelings didn't change. Do I make sense or am I just confusing you all as well?
For once I'd like to find inner peace and feel content with life.
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Old 10-05-2009, 05:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Saphie you are making perfect sense, I was right there where you are at now and for many years I had no idea how to deal with that stuff, it would keep getting worse and worse and I would wind up drinking again to escape that hell.

When I was in detox they kept telling us if we wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

Well to be honest I did not see how going to meetings and getting a sponsor could possibly help me deal with the guilt, shame, anger, resentments, etc. I dealt with in sobriety, but I was desperate to stay sober so I wnet to those meetings and the meetings alone surprisingly did help...... but they were still there, just beneath the surface festering......

Well in those meetings I kept hearing those folks who seemed to be enjoying life say that they too had felt everything I was feeling and what set them free from all of that was taking the steps with a sponsor. In one meeting a guy asked "When should I start taking the steps?", an old timer said "When you are ready for the pain to stop."

Well at about 2 months sober I was starting to get really squirrely and cam VERY close to relapsing, I switched sponsors and started taking the steps with him..... Well those steps I had kept hearing about I found to be the solution I had been seeking for life for so many years in a bottle, but with out the pain that went with it.

All that you speak of now I found relief from by taking the steps with a sponsor. It did not happen instantly, but it did happen, the more work I did taking and applying the steps, the better things got for me.

DO not get me wrong, I do not have a perfect life, BUT when problems arise today I have a solution I use to get through the rough times and I basically live life on lifes terms sober and happy.
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Old 10-05-2009, 05:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I understand your confusion.

For me, I had to learn to just 'be' and that was very hard. I had always thought I had to be 'doing' and my life was about what I was doing. I no longer believe that.
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Old 10-05-2009, 05:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Saphie! A huge congrats on your sober time....and an even bigger congrats on wanting to move forward in your thinking.

For me, I think once I got sober, I thought life was going to be....well....perfect! I gave up drinking and that's pretty hard...so the rest should just fall right into place.....well, it didn't.

What did happen, is after awhile I could really put things in perspective. And, like Anna said, I've learned to just let things 'be'. In my drinking days I could Really be a control freak.....amazingly (and thankfully), a lot of that has left me.

Long story short...Life isn't perfect....butt it's pretty dang good. And, you make perfect sense.
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I felt so much like you did early on, still do some times. Along with the acceptance came the serenity. It didn't come overnight for me. Once I dealt with everything life has thrown at me so far clean and sober enough times, it became normal and rarely see things as probably being better with a drink.

Congrats on the weekend.

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Old 10-05-2009, 06:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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took me about 2 months before I was able to start coherently trying to figure out how to deal with feelings sober. I did a ton of reading through self help/recovery books, some of them AA based, some of them spiritual in nature, some not.

I learned on these forums and in these books about how to accept emotions, honor my feelings, and deal with stuff sober.

After about 4 months an amazing thing happened. I started enjoying experiencing these feelings I had numbed so long, even the painful ones.

Do work. Explore some recovery paths. Take advice from people who have beat this and are happy. And be patient with yourself while you heal.
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Saphie,

Thanks for this post, and thanks to everybody who's responded. Some good stuff.

I have the grief process too, ie, why can't I drink like normal people? The other day I was in an office and the secretary pointed me to the coffee mugs. On the top shelf were several bottles of liqueurs. I had a sneaky thought, One day; had to squelch it. "No day." Sneaky thought, But that's not what I'd get drunk on. Rational thought "Alcohol is alcohol." Then there are the trips to the wine country, the fine wine and dining trip to the lodge in WA state. I think acceptance involves grief. We can't drink like normal people. But we can enjoy the fine dining :>)

I've messed up a lot with my drinking. I can't change one second of the past. I can just deal with today and be hopeful for tomorrow. I know by the grace of God things will get better.

I wonder if we alcoholics don't sometimes bring things on ourselves or overreact to them as an excuse to have a drink. Not sure. Maybe.

Stay strong!
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
I wonder if we alcoholics don't sometimes bring things on ourselves or overreact to them as an excuse to have a drink. Not sure. Maybe.
That one I'm absolutely one hundred percent sure about - no confusion at all (makes a nice change). I remember starting an argument with my hubby deliberately so I could retreat myself to the bedroom sulking and having a good reason to drown my sorrows.
I can't remember what it was all about, but I'm sure it wasn't important.
'Any excuse to drink' and if there isn't one, make one up. And the sad thing is, I know full well I'm still vulnerable enough to fall for it again. Maybe though because I know I can be prepared. Thanks for all the feedback.
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