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Old 04-04-2009, 11:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I don't get it.


Hi

Been sober for 6 weeks, with a couple of slips so not quite sober. Been working the steps and come to step 4.

1,2 and 3 are OK, but 4, I have no resentment, I have no major fear, the only sex I have had has been in loving relationships that the booze screwed in the end.

So I convince myself I have no inventory, I can't quit on my own so I need my HP, I need to work the program but I cannot do a step 4, not scared of it, I just don't have lots of crap, my life is great except I drink too much. I tell myself well your just a lucky alcoholic move on, but step 4 seems to me to be about what makes you drink, and I drink because I like how it makes me feel not because I don't like how I feel without it.

I wish I had resentment, fear and sexual regret, it would make it easier.

So can you do step 4 with an empty page? Sure things annoy me and make me angry but I deal with that, I don't drink because of that. Sure I have fear of stuff, but I don't drink because of that.

I need to be a sober member of AA but if I don't fit the 12 steps I feel I am screwed will need to find another way to stay sober and I love the AA message.

My sponsor doesn't get it he was abused as a child and has various issues, he is a good sponsor to me but too different I guess, we will part company at some point but was pleased to have someone there for me in the beginning and he will always remain my friend

Anyone else been the same and got to step 6 I guess.

Thanks
xym
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Old 04-04-2009, 11:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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In your post you refer to loving relationships that "booze screwed in the end." Would it be possible to write about that? I've found that just getting the pen moving can lead to inner discoveries which I hadn't anticipated.
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Old 04-04-2009, 12:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I read your post a couple of times to try to understand it better and maybe offer you some insight from my perspective and experience. I don't know if your step 4 is similar to mine, but I'll try.
You say your life is great except for the alcohol. Yet you haven't stopped drinking, totally. You should write about that. Alcohol, right now, seems to be your HP. And I agree, that would be a great place to start writing your step 4 on. It seems to have some depth of control over you.
Have you ever sold anything to get alcohol? Done without something to get alcohol? Stolen to get alcohol? How about missing payments/bills in order to get it? And definitely think about writing what it does to your relationships, in the end.
I know, in the NA, we're supposed to write about all aspects of our lives, when doing the steps, but my sponsor gave me some sound advice when she gave me a step guide and told me what to do. She said, if you have to write about the drugs, your first time working the steps, then do it. It can be about everything else later, when you go through them again. She said to try to include other aspects of my life, but not to fret over it as we're not going to see all the wrongs/rights/ in betweens/faults/desires/so on and so forth the first time through.
I guess I was lucky, on the other end, because seeing my resentments and fears, and my guilty conscience is what woke me up to make the effort to stop smoking crack. I still harbor a great deal of regret (things I didn't do that I should have, time wasted, etc.) and resentment (towards the man who first handed me the crack pipe, sometimes to the point that I "forget" I said yes and took it and used), guilt and shame for what I've done (stolen, lied, cheated, ran credit cards into the ground, sold things, etc.).
It's a long road, and can be hard sometimes, but remember it's a journey, not a destination. Don't sweat your steps as there are NO WRONG answers. Maybe finding another sponsor would be beneficial for you? I don't know. It's up to you. Take one day at a time, concentrate on your recovery, and remember, easy does it (my shameless quotation of NA literature for the day! LOL).
I know you can do it. Coming here is a big step too, and keep us posted on how things are going for you. I know, as an addict, I love to be here and find all the information I can, online and especially here at SR. It's nice to be around our own. People who understand and are trying too.
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Old 04-04-2009, 12:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi,

I'm glad you're moving forward in your recovery.

I do find it hard to relate to what you are saying. I believe that alcoholism is a symptom and that the underlying problems are what cause the addiction. I find it hard to imagine that someone who has a great life, just drinks too much. But, that's just because for me, alcohol was used to self-medicate and to numb. If you do not have any resentments, anger, or fear, then you are truly blessed and I hope you continue on your journey of recovery.
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Old 04-04-2009, 12:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for all your replies, in response.
I am 40 was married for 6 years, with my wife 16 years so was only in my early 20's when I met her, never cheated on her other than chose alcohol over her.

Previous girlfriends saw me as a bit of a **** head so it never went further 18 months being the longest but have always been close or loved them more than anything other than alcohol which won in the end.

The only other woman I loved I think ditched me for my behaviour with booze but that was a long time ago and I wasn't that bad then, but in moments I displayed it.

The others just didn't work out. Only ever slept with 1 woman I didn't feel anything for so just for my ego and that was on the rebound to my first love. Pen moving am open to that, life is so complex.

My life is great, I have 3 homes, I have business interests and love my work. I don't need to beg steal or borrow anything. I have a loving family, lovely sober friends who I reject, I am kind and caring when I don't drink. Yep I have a little regret, lost my wife, but she was co-dep so it had to happen part of the journey. Just trying to make sense of why I drink - chill out, kill down time, bored, it makes me feel how I want to feel, yet sober I feel fantastic. So many contradictions.

Thanks people just offloading now, sorry.
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Old 04-05-2009, 12:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi xym..

When I came into AA, they told me.."more will be revealed"..I now know what "they"

were speaking of. Sometimes..things just come to you. The other day, I was walking

up the steps of my porch and a thought..a picture, if you will flashed in my mind.

This was like a piece to a puzzle for me..something I had been turning around in my

mind and struggling with for some time. The thought seemed to come from nowhere,

and came "naturally." lol

Now, in writing things down..in your inventory..more is revealed, often in profound and

amazing ways..but the flow seems to come "naturally"..once you begin.

But one needs to begin. Just start writing. At least try it.

Good luck!
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Old 04-05-2009, 04:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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xmy,

I can relate to what you said. About four months before I quit drinking I would wake up in the morning a little hung over and wonder why I was drinking so much.

My life was good, marriage great, not stressed ect. But I would pour a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner and just keep on going .

I did not have anxiety or depression at the time I just kept drinking every night. It started to scare me when one day I decided to see if I could limit myself to three glasses of wine, mind you they were about 8 or 9 ounces of wine filled to the very top of the wine glass! anyway I could not stop after three and the next morning I knew I really had a problem and quit a few days later,

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I am realizing that I don't know how to feel or handle emotions or stress. Because I numbed myself for so many years I have to re learn how to handle life "normally". I am going to an addiction counselor on Monday to begin the journey of figuring out what caused me to drink and how to change.

take care

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