Thanks for all your replies, in response.
I am 40 was married for 6 years, with my wife 16 years so was only in my early 20's when I met her, never cheated on her other than chose alcohol over her.
Previous girlfriends saw me as a bit of a **** head so it never went further 18 months being the longest but have always been close or loved them more than anything other than alcohol which won in the end.
The only other woman I loved I think ditched me for my behaviour with booze but that was a long time ago and I wasn't that bad then, but in moments I displayed it.
The others just didn't work out. Only ever slept with 1 woman I didn't feel anything for so just for my ego and that was on the rebound to my first love. Pen moving am open to that, life is so complex.
My life is great, I have 3 homes, I have business interests and love my work. I don't need to beg steal or borrow anything. I have a loving family, lovely sober friends who I reject, I am kind and caring when I don't drink. Yep I have a little regret, lost my wife, but she was co-dep so it had to happen part of the journey. Just trying to make sense of why I drink - chill out, kill down time, bored, it makes me feel how I want to feel, yet sober I feel fantastic. So many contradictions.
Thanks people just offloading now, sorry.