bostonluv

Lyddie - Do you know how blessed you are to have slept well only 2 days into not drinking? That's incredible.

Lindsay 5 days is great. You'll get the throught the weekend. Just two little days. Fill them up with stuff.

Serco - I can relate to your post. I've quit before for good amounts of time. My personal best is 6 or 7 weeks. Can't quite remember how long I went because my boyfriend had said, I am so glad you quit drinking. I freaked. What? I never said I quit. I was just taking a break so I could drink normally again afterwards. What a joke. I'm also a binge drinker. I can go for days without but then I catch up. I think it's harder on me physically then drinking everyday actually. Dry out and then poison myself again. Poor body.

SeaHorse

Hi everyone,

I am new here. Today is the start of my third day. I am going to clean and do chores today and then go to an AA meeting.
I really like this message board. I am a loner and feel really disconnected from people most of the time. My worst time is at night, the loneliness feels so overwhelming. I am separated from my husband and living alone now. He left me after my last drinking 'episode'. I am stopping drinking now before I lose everything else. I am way too old (49) to keep losing everything and starting over.
I look forward to coming here everyday. This place and you guys make me feel less alone.
SeaHorse

four812

hi all....DAY 1 again for me

nice to read the posts here....my attention kept waivering, but I read through a page of them... I love and appreciate how here at SR there is almost an infinite amount of tolerance and love for those who relapse and keep relapsing. If I need to get the "tough love" or whatever, all I have to do is tell the truth to the right people or just be around the ones who know me.

I've got to get clean today. I have to start again. I don't think I really "want" to. I will work on that. maybe if i simply keep doing the next right thing my mind can open up to wanting recovery now.

I will be closing on my new apartment after work. This is adding a little more expense into my monies and i can now see that I am really running out of money. I'm now at thel point that if I had a semi major car problem then I would have a problem on my hands.

there's a little reminder for any "sucessful" user or alcoholic out there. Not that I am a sucessful user....but that I am still kind've holding things together, but If i keep using a new bottom is looming.

funny after all this I just had the thought of wanting a drink, because I ....

ok...enough of that...just for today, just for now, I will act from the quiet in my heart

TryingSoHard

I probably shouldn't even be posting right now, but I am... so, so be it.

Today was Day 4 for me. Tomorrow will now be Day 1 all over again.

I'd say I couldn't help it but I know, deep down, that I could have helped it if I had truly wanted to. Truth be told, I wanted to drink more than I wanted to NOT drink. And that's sad.

On the positive side, there were more days this week that I did NOT drink than days I DID drink, and I haven't been able to say that for quite a while. I plan on being able to say the same thing next week (because I plan on not drinking at all next week).

I hope y'all can forgive me for tonight.

SelfSeeking

*hugs* Trying, you better be back here posting tomorrow because it'll be a new day Be gentle to yourself.

TryingSoHard

Thank you, Self. I hope you can still accept support from me now that I've faltered myself.

I will definitely post tomorrow, don't worry.

least

You can always give support. You don't have to be perfect to help someone else. And what did someone else say, many times: we don't shoot our wounded here.

Learn from it, grow from it, start again. Never give up!

:ghug3

TryingSoHard

If nothing else, maybe someone else can learn from my mistakes.

I'm in a bad place tonight, though. I don't even care. I know that's totally the wrong mindset, and maybe if I'd told my husband earlier this week I'd have someone to be accountable to... but I didn't and I don't so here I sit tonight. My own doing.

TryingSoHard

So I'm sitting here on the couch with my son (age 14). I'm laptopping it, and he's watching the Titans game (recorded) and we're chit-chatting about school because this is his first year of high school. He's on the football team and varsity had their jamboree tonight.

Anyway, we're watching the Titans playing Oakland and the name Darren McFadden comes up. I said, "Oh, he's from Arkansas, right?" and he says, "Yes! High five!". So we high five and I say, "See, I knew that" and he says, "Yeah, and you're drunk!"

*blink*

Um.

For one thing, I thought I was controlling/hiding it pretty well. I'm not slurring, I'm not acting crazy, I'm not doing "drunk" things. I'm sitting on the couch acting normal talking football. Maybe he just said that because he's seen me drink 2 beers? Right after he said, "Just kidding!!" so I don't know how serious he was. I am honestly not ACTING drunk... I swear I am not. And he's totally not paying attention to me now, he's watching the game and talking about how much we're going to suck this year. So it must not be upsetting him...

But damn. To hear my kid call me drunk, joking or not, is a bit of an eye-opener.

What am I doing?

TryingSoHard

I keep making rationalizations to myself...

I haven't done "this"... I haven't done "that"... I'm not that bad because I haven't "whatever"...

But even if I'm "controlling" myself and my kid sees me as DRUNK... what does that say???

I can rationalize anything:

"I'm in my own home. I'm not driving anywhere. I'm done with my responsibilities for the day. So what if I want to have a drink and enjoy myself?"

"It's the weekend. Everyone drinks during the weekend. I'll have fun now and go back to not drinking on Monday. And during the weekend I will keep it in check."

"I have been sober for 4 days so when I drink again tonight it will be better. I won't need as much, I won't want as much, and I will quit at a more reasonable rate. I can drink normally once I've quit for a bit."

Again I ask: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Why do I like the feeling of being drunk so much? Why am I so unable to put a stop to it? Why am I unable to confide in the people who mean the most to me? Why am I willing to sacrifice my personal health and future for something so fleeting? Why do I bounce back and forth when I've been drinking - between "this is awesome and I don't regret it one bit" to "why oh why oh why am I doing this yet again"???

What will it take for me to finally decide once and for all that I want and need to QUIT?!?

Thank you for listening to my drunken ramblings.

TryingSoHard

And yes, for the record, I now feel like a total loser.

Ananda

Unfortunately my son came to accept that I was always drunk. I didn't always slur or "act drunk"...but I was. Even when we talked I wasn't really there...I don't know how to explain it and neither does he. It was just there.

For me, the truth is that knowing that my son thought I was a hopeless drunk and doomed to dye simply didn't do anything to help me get sober. I had to believe it was possible to be sober. I watch the people who are only sober a little longer than me very closely as they have recent experince in the area I am just entering.

You don't have to wait till tomarrow to stop drinking...you can stop right now. I made the decision to stop when I was drunk. And for some reason I was able to take actions to stay off the booze this time.

Please keep posting!!!!!

TryingSoHard

I guess I've always thought about it in terms of not affecting my (oldest) son... I KNOW it doesn't affect my youngest son because I NEVER EVER drink when he's around/awake. But I didn't think my teenager was "aware" enough to pick up on anything.

Tonight I honestly think he just said that because he saw me drink two beers and it's like joke to him... "Oh, you drink a beer and you get drunk"... not ME, but ANYONE... he's in that curious phase, I think. Plus he's definitely in that SARCASTIC phase... so I can't take anything he says TOO seriously. But still... hearing him call me "drunk" tonight, serious or not, caught my attention for sure.

I honestly think I've only been TRULY DRUNK in front of him once. And I wish I could take it back.

This is why I said I can rationalize things by saying, "I haven't [this]" and "I haven't {that}"... I lead a pretty darn normal life and that makes it a little harder for me to accept that I have to change. Does that make sense?

SeaHorse

Yes it does. It's the disease saying 'oh you're not that bad' to try and keep you drunk.
I have those voices in my head (not literally, you know what I mean) saying...c'mon your life is not that bad...you can get away with it if you just limit it to one day a week (never worked for long).
The truth is..my husband and I are separated now due to my last drinking episode. So I had to suffer a pretty drastic consequence (again) to make me realize how bad my life can get if I keep drinking.
So anyway, friends, today is the end of day three. I kept busy and stayed out most of the night. I went to an AA meeting, did laundry, walked around Walmart, and by the time I got home I was exhausted and now going to bed. I love coming here and talking to you guys. Makes me almost feel like I have a bunch of room-mates waiting at home I can talk to!
I even had a nice telephone chat with my husband with him saying 'i love you' at the end (that is rare).
See you all tomorrow with my morning tea. And just remember let's not EVER give up!
SeaHorse

lyddie

Your son is aware enough to use the word drunk to refer to you. What you know and what I really do understand you mean by being truly drunk may not be the state of drunkeness he sees but it sounds like he does observe the more subtle changes in your behavior when you drink two beers.

I know it's hard to accept that you have to change. I live alone and I drink wine. I have some health issues due to drinking wine - weight gain, high blood pressure - but no legal, relationship, work problems. My alcoholic voice keeps telling me that my wine drinking is no that bad BUT I know I have to stop. At least most of the day that is.

It's the morning of Day 3 for me and I woke up without a hangover.

SeaHorse

I love waking up without a hangover! And remembering what I did the night before. It's day four for me. My plan for the day is the same as yesterday. Keep busy at night (my worst time) and go to an AA meeting.
lyddie, my latest beverage of choice was wine also. So I would think of myself as a connesiur (however you spell it) and go to wine tastings and all. But then I found myself when buying wine, reading the labels, not for the vintage or vineyard, but making sure it had at least 12.5% alcohol in it, and if I could find one with 13 % that was even better!
And 99% of the time I would drink the entire bottle that night!

SelfSeeking

Your post reminds me of my trip to the grocery store yesterday, Seahorse... I walked past the HUGE wine section and felt all sad and deprived, Oh, I can't pair food and wine anymore, bummer. And then I realized that my taste for wine only went as far as the first glass being basically palatable, because that was the only one I would taste. The rest of the bottle would be for getting smashed. It's not like I appreciated wine. It was more socially acceptable to drink a lot of it rather than vodka, is all. Not really a huge loss!

I am trying out Perrier. Perhaps I shall become a water connoisseur (I spell checked it btw )

Serezet

Hi there everybody, I am new here. I have been struggling with alcohol for many years. Recently, two days ago actually, I drank a lot and to the point I could not stand up or walk. I fell over in the bar, fell over in the street several times, and then I believe passed out in the shower because I fell over the side of the bath tub, hurting my back, landing on my head on the floor. My drinking is truly sick and uncontrollable, and I am tired of it. I am amazed I can drink like this and still get up early to go to work next day. I am very frightened also, because I believe I could have been seriously injured, even dead, because of my passing out and falling over.
I do not often actually come close to injury like this on my benders, but nearly every time I drink, heck every time I drink, I black out, and can't remember coming home, or taking a shower, or eating, or doing anything, just small bits and pieces. I almost never remember leaving the bar, as if in some horrible way I am eternally there, and every time I go back I am just picking up from last time.
I have been getting drunk about twice a week for a while, sometimes I am sober for about a month, but always I come back to it, and like I said, it seems to be getting even worse now (again) because I think I nearly seriously injured myself. I say to myself it is amazing that I am still alive. In the past I have gotten into altercations with people also. Sometimes had incidents where I became nearly psychotic with some kind of seizure.
I am so scared really. I have a bruise on my back near my upper spine, and a bruise/bump on my upper right temple, because of falling, which I barely remember, but I remember being unable to stand up, and weeping.
I hope to talk more about my problem, because I need to get it all out, sometimes I feel I cannot explain what my addiction is about. As crazy as it sounds, and please forgive me for mentioning this, I have actually tried to explain my alcoholism to other drinkers at the bar, even the bartender.
Please, thank you for reading this. It's a very difficult time for me.

HideorSeek

Welcome Sezeret (hope I spelled it right). This is a great place to connect to other alcoholics who have had similar experiences. I am at a scared spot too. I can clearly see that this road is a dead end (pun intended!) and I'm afraid that the "next" time could be my last.

Each of us needs to hit our "bottom" (Sounds like you have, and I know I have). At that point the only way to go, if one is willing, is up.

least

Serezet, you've come to a good place for support and encouragement. It's good you're trying to get rid of alcohol in your life before something really bad happens. And the alcohol-related seizure thing is truly a warning to quit now while you're ahead.

I urge you to talk with your doctor and be really honest with him/her about your drinking. Also give AA a try, several tries at several meetings before you make up your mind about it. It's great to meet a lot of people in the rooms of AA who understand you as soon as you walk in. Their experience strength and hope can go far in helping you get and stay sober.

Please keep coming back here and posting how you're doing. We care!! We want you to succeed!

Try hard at getting sober and never give up!

:ghug3