ImSkiZZeR

Hello all,
Just wanted to reach out as I am having a real hard time. Been struggling and slipping on a weekely basis for a few months now. I am scared and afraid and want to stop this self destructive path I am on. I want to recover...
To be honest I am terrified and completely discouraged. I am pretty much on the verge of losing everything...
I just don`t want to suffer anymore. I needsome serious help.

Marc

Rowan

Hi Marc,

Welcome to Sober Recovery - there is much hope, help, and support here - and many who understand what you're going through. Please keep reading and posting - you don't have to go through this alone.

Rowan

Aysha

Hi Marc..Glad you are here.
There is a world of info and support here. But it is up to you to utilize it.
You have taken the first step. And that one can be the hardest.
Stick around...more will be along to offer a little more than I can.

ImSkiZZeR

I guess I am not sure where to begin. I guess going to a meeting would help. I have a hard time with AA meetings... I always feel isolated and have a hard time asking for help. Also I am not new to recovery.... though I can`t say I have ever done very well... Right now I feel very alone and torn. I can`t stand the idea of losing more.
I have just about destroyed my relationship... actually I don`t even know if I have one right now. I am like 2 different people.
Good Marc
Bad Marc... I need rid of bad Marc...
I really need to talk and get in to action. I figure this is a great place to start....

Rowan

I go to AA myself, Marc, and I understand how you might feel isolated at one - especially if you aren't reaching out. I've done that, myself. Why not go back - show up early - stay behind and help stack chairs - give others the opportunity to come up and introduce themselves - that's where it started for me. Just start small, and try not to overwhelm yourself.
And your relationship - put your focus on your recovery right now - and you'd be surprised at how things will fall into place in other areas of your life.
You're not a bad person - not at all.

Rowan

ImSkiZZeR

I will go to a meeting tonight. The important thing is my recovery. I just feel as though I am a terrible man. Perhaps deep down I am not. But I am very ashamed of where my addictions take me. And the hurt that I cause.... I wish I could just know for sure... `this time I got it! this time I will stay with recovery`... but I don`t believe in myself.
Sorry if I sound so down. I am just defeated and very sad. I guess you could say I hate the man I have become.

GlassPrisoner

Yup, I was the same way. The last thing I wanted to do was walk into a room full of strangers (who where a probably just a cult or clique anyway) and ask for help.

I swallowed my pride (which wasn't had to do because there wasn't any left) and walked into the rooms of AA. Literally walked. Both cars were broken down.

I was warmly welcomed. Today, I have just over 7 months of sobriety after years of drinking, the last few 24 X 7.

Jersey Nonny

I agree with what Rowan has said...you have taken the first step by admitting your powerlessness over alcohol. Making as many AA meetings as possible should help you in not feeling so alone in your recovery. Get there early, stay late...many of the best "meetings" are held in the kitchen before start time, or at the local diner over coffee with fellow AA members after the clean up.

You may not be new to recovery; but, you obviously haven't yet hit on the program of recovery that will keep you sober. Keep working at finding what works for you...good luck...it will be worth it. Continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

teej

Welcome to SR skizzer (cool name!) There are so many nice people here that are in your shoes right now wanting the same thing as you. Some farther along(bless their hearts) than others. All with same same goal. So glad you found us!!!!!!

ImSkiZZeR

I do want to get in to doing the steps. I nver have gone through them. seems to be the only way I may have a chance. thanks everyone for reaching out to me. I really need this.
I am jsut trying to get through the day at work. It`s real hard... just 2h45min left...

chimineria

Hi Skizzer
I understand how you feel - I have been going through the same
struggle myself and I also find it very hard to ask for help. You
have had the guts to walk through the doors of AA once (which
is more than I have been able to do). I am hoping you continue
to find the courage to reach out.
-P

ImSkiZZeR

The main thing right now is dealing with intense guilt, sadness and anxiety. I am terrified of what will happen at home... if things go real bad when I talk with my girlfriend later, then we will no longer be together... and that will mean a huge deal... She is sick and tired of trying to help me... infact most people are. I am isolated and alone. I just want to be a better man and provide for my family.

hope3

Hi Marc, welcome.

I go to counseling and was dual diagnosed.

There were things I needed to work out with the

help of a professional...I don't know if this is something

that would benefit you, but you might want to consider it..

If you do, I would make sure the couselor has a great deal

of updated knowledge on alcoholism...good luck Marc, there is

hope.....hope3

ImSkiZZeR

Actually I was dual diagosed as well. I have PTSD. Which puts me at a disadvantage. I wish it was something more tangible so that the people around me could understand. I am so distraught right now....

Anna

Hi Marc,

First of all, let me find some good info on PTSD that our Admin has found. I'll PM you in a minute.

The guilt and shame can be overwhelming and I remember it very well. The thing is you can get sucked into the cycle of addiction endlessly if you let the guilt take over. Try to take a step back. You don't know how things will turn out in your life, but it will be better if you stop drinking.

Anna

Marc, here you go.

This is a link to Emotional Memory Management and it's been really helpful to me. It will help you deal with the memories and be able to function better:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

ImSkiZZeR

Thanks. THis looks great! I hate the fact that PTSD screws me up more and predisposes me to addiction. It was very diffictul in treatment when they told me about the PTSD. They did this whole series of testing and told me I had it. But they did not really do all that much to help me treat it. As long as I can get myself better, that`s all I really want. As it stands, my anxietey is just eating away at me. I am not using. Have not since early Sunday morning. I just hope I can get all the ressources I need to stabilize myself.

hope3

You made a start Marc, thats a good thing....

Don't be afraid to look for help from someone who has had experience with

PTSD, they are out there...

Just know that it's ok to get help...people who try to do it all on their own

usually have failure.....not all the time, but most...

Best wishes Marc, and keep comming back, read and post and ask anything

you want, thats what this site is all about, and the people and monitors are great..

Hope3

nogard

hi Marc, welcome to SR

You have some great advice here, all I will add is that I found that I can't do this alone, its "we" stay clean and sober.

Kevin

Dee74

welcome Marc !
I really got nothing to add, except to say that two months ago I was drinking daily (and generally *all* day) and trying to quit weekly...I was utterly convinced things were hopeless and that I was a weak terrible man...now I know I'm not.

D