Any Moms Out There Keeping Sane While Not Using Part 12
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 693
Thanks Tam! My cell phone rang about 30 minutes ago...came up a "restricted number". Thought it was weird but then thought maybe it was her calling from the hospital (or Mike) Don't know I'm just grasping here! I'm so worried...it's been ALL day!!!
Misti, honey, talk to us! We're here!
Loved your joke Jane...sounds kinda like me!
Misti, honey, talk to us! We're here!
Loved your joke Jane...sounds kinda like me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
Ayla is home and she's ok. Spent 8 hrs at the hospital- they had the wrong chart and put her thru tests she didn't need.. xray elbow, etc... they think she is suffering from too much stress, and a possible virus. Also, she has somehow lost 16 pounds, so that may be contributing.
She'll write later when things settle down at her house.
xoxo T
She'll write later when things settle down at her house.
xoxo T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
i just got home........i was there for 8 hours!!!!! cat scan, blood work, and apparently it's all in my head, god........i'm offically mentally ill.....they think i have a virus, plus stress and lack of sleep, i'm a little anemic and i've lost 15 lbs.....that's wierd, because i'm not trying........sorry sorry sorry i worried you so much.....but i love you all for caring so much.......i would have had someone call sooner, but we were trapped....the morons had me waiting for 2 hours for tests, AND THEY WEREN'T MY TESTS!!! THEY MIXED UP MY CHARTS WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S!!! omg.........i can not tell you how pissed i was....then the only doctor in the er was called to intensive care.....i hope he saved the person's life.....
i have been trying to type this for like an hour........
the point is that i'm totally nuts.....he said it was mostly anxiety, stress, and grief......and let me tell you, being at that horrible place where i spent so much time with my mom, the place where they told us she was going to die, didn't help.......i hate that place sooo much.....
now i have to go back and read.......i love you all so much, thanks again for caring.......you all mean the world to this hypochondriac nutcase airhead......
i have been trying to type this for like an hour........
the point is that i'm totally nuts.....he said it was mostly anxiety, stress, and grief......and let me tell you, being at that horrible place where i spent so much time with my mom, the place where they told us she was going to die, didn't help.......i hate that place sooo much.....
now i have to go back and read.......i love you all so much, thanks again for caring.......you all mean the world to this hypochondriac nutcase airhead......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
**{AYLA!!}}
so good to hear from you! so glad you got checked out--you just never know. please keep us posted about your test results and how you are feeling.
Tam-you are a true friend and also keep us laughing! thanks!
so good to hear from you! so glad you got checked out--you just never know. please keep us posted about your test results and how you are feeling.
Tam-you are a true friend and also keep us laughing! thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 527
Oh, Ayla, what a blessed relief. I'm supposed to be working late (again, grrr) but I couldn't stay away from here without hearing that you're OK. I'm so sorry you had such an ordeal at the hospital, but also relieved that it wasn't worse than it was. Which isn't to say it was nothing -- you need to take it easier, girl. Stress can get serious if you don't do something about it.
Tam, Jane, Kevin, and all of the rest of you -- your sense of humour lifts me up. Thanks for the chuckles amid the anxiety.
Even though I haven't been posting very much lately, you all mean the world to me. What a wonderful, loving group of people from all ends of the earth.
Much love,
C
Tam, Jane, Kevin, and all of the rest of you -- your sense of humour lifts me up. Thanks for the chuckles amid the anxiety.
Even though I haven't been posting very much lately, you all mean the world to me. What a wonderful, loving group of people from all ends of the earth.
Much love,
C
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
scoot it's so good to know you think of me as your ass....hehe....
i just realised how nuts i am.....playing my favorite song list.....and it's psycho....nirvana, otis redding, james taylor, inxs, james blunt, willie nelson, lynrd skynrd, billie holiday, cyndi lauper, guns n roses, allison krauss, ray charles, jane's addiction, pat benatar.....wtf????? i'm such a wierdo.....
i just realised how nuts i am.....playing my favorite song list.....and it's psycho....nirvana, otis redding, james taylor, inxs, james blunt, willie nelson, lynrd skynrd, billie holiday, cyndi lauper, guns n roses, allison krauss, ray charles, jane's addiction, pat benatar.....wtf????? i'm such a wierdo.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
i wrote a poem for my friends, i can't call you my sista's anymore.....because we have brothers now, don't you just love that??? it makes this place more home than ever.....(((((my guys)))))
The Voice
the voice tells us
that without it
we are weak....
if we get down
on our knees
and worship.....
there will be no
guilt or
fear or
regrets.....
if we give
ourselves over
we will have no
pain or
sorrow or
grief....
the voice tells us
only it can make us
beautiful
satisfied
fullfilled
the voice is in
our every thought
every dream
it screams
come back to me
you were
smart
charming
perfect
even the mundane
was exciting
daily life was
simple
you were
amazing
you could do
anything
it whispers
you need me
you miss me
you love me
you can't make it
without me
it speaks calmly
you are in control
you deserve to relax
a reward
a celebration
you are normal
it wil be fine
and best of all
no one has to know
our little secret
the voice is addiction
it lies......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
love to my guys and gals.....
ayla....
The Voice
the voice tells us
that without it
we are weak....
if we get down
on our knees
and worship.....
there will be no
guilt or
fear or
regrets.....
if we give
ourselves over
we will have no
pain or
sorrow or
grief....
the voice tells us
only it can make us
beautiful
satisfied
fullfilled
the voice is in
our every thought
every dream
it screams
come back to me
you were
smart
charming
perfect
even the mundane
was exciting
daily life was
simple
you were
amazing
you could do
anything
it whispers
you need me
you miss me
you love me
you can't make it
without me
it speaks calmly
you are in control
you deserve to relax
a reward
a celebration
you are normal
it wil be fine
and best of all
no one has to know
our little secret
the voice is addiction
it lies......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
love to my guys and gals.....
ayla....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: chattanooga, tn.
Posts: 213
WoW! Ayla...That is an awesome poem....it says sooo much! And it sounds familiar...like the voices in my head. Have you been in my head? And it sounds like you copied a list of your favorite music from what could have been mine!!! Thank you for the poem. I'm printing it and putting it in a very special place...my purse. Ill have it with me at all times to read as often as I need. I'm glad you are o.k. and sorry that you had to endure so much at the hospital...it does seem that they have a way sometimes of making you feel worse. There are only two hospitals in the county I live in and of course If I ever go, I go to the one that's closest. Which happens to be the one that I had to say goodbye to my grandmother,myfirst love(jon's dad), and my mom. So strange...also the same place where both my boys first appeared in this world and the same place where my mom worked for ten years. I guess you could say I have a love/hate relationship with the place. As far as the people, I imagine there are good and bad everywhere. Hope you wake up feeling better this morning!
I just read back over what I wrote last night and realized how it sounds like I'm promoting drugs!!! I didn't mean it that way at all. I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm so thankful that there are drugs out there that help the ones that truly need it. Before I took my first pain pill, and I had an abcessed tooth and thought I was losing it, I was afraid to take an aspirin! I was such a worrier that I worried that it might cause those strange "feelings" that I had. I remember leaving the dentist's office and going straight to my sister's house 2 minutes away cause I was hurting too bad to drive home and she had to talk me in to taking the pain pill after she went and had my script filled. Of course I was hurting so bad and didn't feel "anything", even relief from the pain, and then she suggested taking another half. ( keep in mind, I had already given birth to to giant babies at this time)I made her call the dentist to see if it was O.K.!!!!! I took it and finally got enough relief that I fell asleep for the first time in 18 hours. She was a seasoned user already and she laughed at my fears. I'll never forget her saying, years later, that I was the "last" person she would have imagined ever becoming addicted to pain pills because she knew how afraid of everything I was. I remember her trying to talk me into taking my first xanax. I was so nervous that she said I could probably take two and not even feel anything! I made her drive me around after taking one and will never forget how scared I was before it kicked in! scared! I just didn't like the thought of taking something that would alter the way I felt and that I couldn't change that feeling after it happened and would have to wait till it wore off. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and at that time (25) years old, I still could not imagine how anyone could use drugs! "Those people" were so different than myself and I knew I would never become one of "them". I didn't touch anything else for 3 or 4 years and all I can remember is the first time I felt "euphoria" from a pain pill. I knew I had taken one and a half before...so I knew it wouldn't do anything "bad" to me, right? Within a year or so I was one of those people and didn't even know it. How awesome to have something that I could just swallow and soon all those "feelings" that I had been scared of for all those years were looong gone! now "I" was the one in control damnit! HaHa!
So that's pretty much the story of how my addiction began and the rest is, well...now. still here after all those years! so, no, I don't promote any drugs, and have no right to say what I said, and probably don't need to be saying anything at all when it comes to trying to give someone else advice! The xanax is the only thing I took that I never abused. Or is taking it abusing? I don't know. I take it. I take half of what is prescribed to me if that. Which, since I'm telling all...is 2 mg. a day. I break it in half and take a half in the morning and a half at night..and if I'm having a full panic attack, I might take a whole. I've been taught many ways to relax and talk myself out of a panic attack, I've yet to find one that works for me. So, that being said, it sounds like I have been listening to that voice in Ayla's poem! I've had several doctors tell me that I would probably have to take it for the rest of my life and even when I went to re-hab, all the doctors and counselors there agreed. My counselor at the Methadone clinic agrees. I don't want to take it. I hate that I'm not in control. I hate that I think I have to take anything. I've been on the same dose for 5 years, so needless to say, I never run out. Am I using? Am I abusing? I really don't know. I wish someone could answer that. Am I using when I take my antidepressant each night(I still break in half!). There's something about breaking in half that makes me think that I still have some control. Even though my doc. doesn't know, I have to just take half. Is that my addiction talking to me? am I having these thoughts because I've been tapering off the methadone? I've been decreasing 10 mg. a week so far. 10 mg. a day was just a little too much too fast. I woke up at 4 this morning with sweaty palms and my heart is racing and the first picture in my mind is my mother's flushed face with the oxygen mask on while she is dying. And my first thought was the whispered conversation with her doctor in the hallway outside her room. The only drink she had during the week she was in the hospital was from the swabs that I kept wet and put in her mouth and although she was "unconsious"...she sucked the swabs so hard. When I had to sleep, I made someone promise me they would take over my job of holding a wet swab in my mamas mouth because she was so dehydrated. Was she really unconsious if she could do that? Or is that an automatic reflex? God, I hope she was not awake! Yet, I hope she heard all the things I said to her. Is that sick or what? was I wrong to beg the doctor to give my best friend and mother more morphine just so she could go to "sleep" so she wouldn't suffer anymore although her death was the one thing I had feared most of all since I can remember....sitting by her bedside when i was five years old and crying whike she was sleeping just wondering what I would do if she died? where did those thoughts and fears come from when I was so young. she wasn't sick then. why was i so damned afraid all my ******* life and still am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1Im jshaking so hard right now that i ccnt type or see much from the tears...but I wouldn't ask why me??? I can imagine standing on a giant mountain overloojking the whole world and tryig to pick someone that it should be instead of me! nobody. that's why me.so i dont feel sorry for my self im just angry
So angryi want to hurt the people that hurt her in the nursing home because they didnt have the sense to give her water when i wasn't there. why should i have to tell the nurses that she was diabetic and need extra to dring. why didn't i see the signs of her dehydration when i was feeding her and she drank milk and water and jusice like she couldn't get enough. why?????????? the dooctor told me the only reason that she was in the hospital was because she was so severely dehydrated! why didn't i pursue the law suit i started? i was so f#%#$%d up on pills that i dealt with it! I hate that voice. where did it come from? from the depths of hell or the depths of my soul? are they one and the same? soetimes i have to ask??? I am sorryt o say all this so early, i cant believe ive been sitting here for an hoir and a haif .
I just read back over what I wrote last night and realized how it sounds like I'm promoting drugs!!! I didn't mean it that way at all. I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm so thankful that there are drugs out there that help the ones that truly need it. Before I took my first pain pill, and I had an abcessed tooth and thought I was losing it, I was afraid to take an aspirin! I was such a worrier that I worried that it might cause those strange "feelings" that I had. I remember leaving the dentist's office and going straight to my sister's house 2 minutes away cause I was hurting too bad to drive home and she had to talk me in to taking the pain pill after she went and had my script filled. Of course I was hurting so bad and didn't feel "anything", even relief from the pain, and then she suggested taking another half. ( keep in mind, I had already given birth to to giant babies at this time)I made her call the dentist to see if it was O.K.!!!!! I took it and finally got enough relief that I fell asleep for the first time in 18 hours. She was a seasoned user already and she laughed at my fears. I'll never forget her saying, years later, that I was the "last" person she would have imagined ever becoming addicted to pain pills because she knew how afraid of everything I was. I remember her trying to talk me into taking my first xanax. I was so nervous that she said I could probably take two and not even feel anything! I made her drive me around after taking one and will never forget how scared I was before it kicked in! scared! I just didn't like the thought of taking something that would alter the way I felt and that I couldn't change that feeling after it happened and would have to wait till it wore off. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and at that time (25) years old, I still could not imagine how anyone could use drugs! "Those people" were so different than myself and I knew I would never become one of "them". I didn't touch anything else for 3 or 4 years and all I can remember is the first time I felt "euphoria" from a pain pill. I knew I had taken one and a half before...so I knew it wouldn't do anything "bad" to me, right? Within a year or so I was one of those people and didn't even know it. How awesome to have something that I could just swallow and soon all those "feelings" that I had been scared of for all those years were looong gone! now "I" was the one in control damnit! HaHa!
So that's pretty much the story of how my addiction began and the rest is, well...now. still here after all those years! so, no, I don't promote any drugs, and have no right to say what I said, and probably don't need to be saying anything at all when it comes to trying to give someone else advice! The xanax is the only thing I took that I never abused. Or is taking it abusing? I don't know. I take it. I take half of what is prescribed to me if that. Which, since I'm telling all...is 2 mg. a day. I break it in half and take a half in the morning and a half at night..and if I'm having a full panic attack, I might take a whole. I've been taught many ways to relax and talk myself out of a panic attack, I've yet to find one that works for me. So, that being said, it sounds like I have been listening to that voice in Ayla's poem! I've had several doctors tell me that I would probably have to take it for the rest of my life and even when I went to re-hab, all the doctors and counselors there agreed. My counselor at the Methadone clinic agrees. I don't want to take it. I hate that I'm not in control. I hate that I think I have to take anything. I've been on the same dose for 5 years, so needless to say, I never run out. Am I using? Am I abusing? I really don't know. I wish someone could answer that. Am I using when I take my antidepressant each night(I still break in half!). There's something about breaking in half that makes me think that I still have some control. Even though my doc. doesn't know, I have to just take half. Is that my addiction talking to me? am I having these thoughts because I've been tapering off the methadone? I've been decreasing 10 mg. a week so far. 10 mg. a day was just a little too much too fast. I woke up at 4 this morning with sweaty palms and my heart is racing and the first picture in my mind is my mother's flushed face with the oxygen mask on while she is dying. And my first thought was the whispered conversation with her doctor in the hallway outside her room. The only drink she had during the week she was in the hospital was from the swabs that I kept wet and put in her mouth and although she was "unconsious"...she sucked the swabs so hard. When I had to sleep, I made someone promise me they would take over my job of holding a wet swab in my mamas mouth because she was so dehydrated. Was she really unconsious if she could do that? Or is that an automatic reflex? God, I hope she was not awake! Yet, I hope she heard all the things I said to her. Is that sick or what? was I wrong to beg the doctor to give my best friend and mother more morphine just so she could go to "sleep" so she wouldn't suffer anymore although her death was the one thing I had feared most of all since I can remember....sitting by her bedside when i was five years old and crying whike she was sleeping just wondering what I would do if she died? where did those thoughts and fears come from when I was so young. she wasn't sick then. why was i so damned afraid all my ******* life and still am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1Im jshaking so hard right now that i ccnt type or see much from the tears...but I wouldn't ask why me??? I can imagine standing on a giant mountain overloojking the whole world and tryig to pick someone that it should be instead of me! nobody. that's why me.so i dont feel sorry for my self im just angry
So angryi want to hurt the people that hurt her in the nursing home because they didnt have the sense to give her water when i wasn't there. why should i have to tell the nurses that she was diabetic and need extra to dring. why didn't i see the signs of her dehydration when i was feeding her and she drank milk and water and jusice like she couldn't get enough. why?????????? the dooctor told me the only reason that she was in the hospital was because she was so severely dehydrated! why didn't i pursue the law suit i started? i was so f#%#$%d up on pills that i dealt with it! I hate that voice. where did it come from? from the depths of hell or the depths of my soul? are they one and the same? soetimes i have to ask??? I am sorryt o say all this so early, i cant believe ive been sitting here for an hoir and a haif .
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
(((Ayla)))
I'm so glad that your OK....
All of us here were sending Positive thoughts and Prayers out to you in Ohio. The power of prayer does work...
Stay Strong.
Steve
PS...Love your Poem
I'm so glad that your OK....
All of us here were sending Positive thoughts and Prayers out to you in Ohio. The power of prayer does work...
Stay Strong.
Steve
PS...Love your Poem
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 693
Ayla, you are NOT nuts...just stressed! And that is not something to take lightly!! Can't even tell you how many panic attacks that beast has brought on. It's very scary. Oh, and the music....I have a mix that includes Bon Jovi, Frank Sinatra, Audioslave, Etta James and Buckcherry! It amuses even me at times...nothing like a little "The Way You Look Tonight" followed by "Crazy B!tch"! lol
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