Class of August 2021 Support Thread Part 9
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Hi LHW, I think feeling annoyed/frustrated by it isn’t a good or bad/harsh thing. They’re your feelings that are coming up around the occasion and its a waste to criticize or judge those feelings because they’re just feelings. Its good to be curious about them.
In my opinion it does seem like it would be a nice comfort for the adult children (not sure if their adults or not) to remember their mother and your husband to honor the kids feelings on such a difficult day. Everyone grieves in their own way and grief takes different forms over time.
In my opinion it does seem like it would be a nice comfort for the adult children (not sure if their adults or not) to remember their mother and your husband to honor the kids feelings on such a difficult day. Everyone grieves in their own way and grief takes different forms over time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,856
Thanks, Bodhi. I think it bothers me for selfish reasons and maybe there is a little jealousy there too. The anniversary of my late husbands death comes and goes and no one has ever once said a word to me about it. Not family or friends. I never wanted a dinner in honor of the date…just someone to acknowledge it and acknowledge my grief. It really bothered me in the early years as I was alone and the grief was overwhelming. Somewhere along the way I decided it was just going to be something that only I remember and I needed to get over the hurt that I felt. So I guess seeing people remember a date like his wife’s death and make such big plans around it is a foreign concept to me and one that I just don’t get.
I feel bad for feeling the way I do about it and that’s bothering me too.
LHW
I feel bad for feeling the way I do about it and that’s bothering me too.
LHW
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
I'm sorry that noone acknowledged your loss and grief LHW - but to be honest, that's probably the best reason to let your new family acknowledge their sense of loss?
I get that you feel a little cheated, resentful, selfish - but you have all of Mr LHW's today and tomorrows - I'd let the family have their yesterday?
D
I get that you feel a little cheated, resentful, selfish - but you have all of Mr LHW's today and tomorrows - I'd let the family have their yesterday?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
I would definitely feel upset and jealous if my grief wasn’t acknowledged and then saw instances where it was. Jealousy is an interesting emotion that comes from shame and social comparison. It tells us what we wish we had for ourselves. In a way maybe looking at your husband and his kids in a new light like I didn’t have that and I know how much it hurts so I’m glad they don’t have to deal with that might help. Also maybe putting something into place where you honor and grieve your deceased husband on your own would help with the lack of acknowledgment you’ve felt from your friends and family. It would’ve been ideal if they showed you support but you know people can just be in their own worlds or maybe didn’t want to bring it up/think you wanted to move on. As we know with our alcohol issues we can’t control other people, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,856
Thanks again, Bodhi and Dee! I'm so glad I have a safe space to vent!
Your points are well taken. I am trying to not be so "wigged out" about all of their preparations. Mr. LHW told me today that he wishes he could understand why I get so "wigged out" over stuff. (Is that a 70's or 80's term? "Wigged out". LOL.) Anyway, he was referring to all of my WTF's and WTH's that I throw around all the time when things don't go as I think they should go. I am constantly saying "WTF" to him.
Both of your suggestions are good ones. THANK YOU.
LHW
Your points are well taken. I am trying to not be so "wigged out" about all of their preparations. Mr. LHW told me today that he wishes he could understand why I get so "wigged out" over stuff. (Is that a 70's or 80's term? "Wigged out". LOL.) Anyway, he was referring to all of my WTF's and WTH's that I throw around all the time when things don't go as I think they should go. I am constantly saying "WTF" to him.
Both of your suggestions are good ones. THANK YOU.
LHW
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,465
Hey, LHW,
Sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with both Dee and Bodhi, honoring Mr. LHW and his children's remembrance is the thing to do, but recognizing your own husband’s passing is certainly something you should do as well.
Wishing you peace-
Sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with both Dee and Bodhi, honoring Mr. LHW and his children's remembrance is the thing to do, but recognizing your own husband’s passing is certainly something you should do as well.
Wishing you peace-
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,358
Hi LHW, glad you pm’d me about this, as I’m posting fewer and fewer times a week in our class. I’m glad you got through it. Being married to a widower is challenging, and at the same time can be very rewarding.
As a 60 y o female, or person, really, when we have remarried recently, or in the dating scene, we are no longer 20 something looking at the new car lot. More like the junk yard, or at best, the used car lot. We wear all the dings, dents, scrapes, and have many miles on the odometer by this decade of life. We just want to find someone that is still in loving condition, with as little repairs as needed.
Ive been doing a challenge on the 180 thread, to get in better shape since our LONG, long, lllooonnnggg, trek away from home had us eating out and not exercising much.
Since I was told no surgery, I’ve been stretching three times daily, (except for a couple days it was only two), and the results have been nothing short of AMAZING for this old gal. I’m definitely not the Gumby of Pokey and Gumby. I do not bend easily, and it is hard for me to start each session. Not only am I doing it for the feet, but really for my independence as I age too. No flexibility = limited movement = limited independence. Nuh uh, not me, no sirrrreeeee.
Also going to my second ladies stitchery group tomorrow, and baking date squares to bring. Yummy!
Bodhi, hope you are feeling baby kick, and there aren’t more hubby drinking sessions that cause you stress lately. Also hope the promotion is going well too.
Viking, would love to hear an update, and you too, CPath and SS.
NL posts on morning gratitude, and our classmate JUST hit the 8 months mark! You go, girl!🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Have a wonderful week of sober adventures, feel the feelings, and know deep inside we are……..okay. ❤️🤓
As a 60 y o female, or person, really, when we have remarried recently, or in the dating scene, we are no longer 20 something looking at the new car lot. More like the junk yard, or at best, the used car lot. We wear all the dings, dents, scrapes, and have many miles on the odometer by this decade of life. We just want to find someone that is still in loving condition, with as little repairs as needed.
Ive been doing a challenge on the 180 thread, to get in better shape since our LONG, long, lllooonnnggg, trek away from home had us eating out and not exercising much.
Since I was told no surgery, I’ve been stretching three times daily, (except for a couple days it was only two), and the results have been nothing short of AMAZING for this old gal. I’m definitely not the Gumby of Pokey and Gumby. I do not bend easily, and it is hard for me to start each session. Not only am I doing it for the feet, but really for my independence as I age too. No flexibility = limited movement = limited independence. Nuh uh, not me, no sirrrreeeee.
Also going to my second ladies stitchery group tomorrow, and baking date squares to bring. Yummy!
Bodhi, hope you are feeling baby kick, and there aren’t more hubby drinking sessions that cause you stress lately. Also hope the promotion is going well too.
Viking, would love to hear an update, and you too, CPath and SS.
NL posts on morning gratitude, and our classmate JUST hit the 8 months mark! You go, girl!🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Have a wonderful week of sober adventures, feel the feelings, and know deep inside we are……..okay. ❤️🤓
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,465
Hello, crew!
It's another Monday already?
It's crazy cold here- seems so sudden. Thanksgiving here this week- that's mind-blowing. I'm making a cranberry curd pie with hazelnut crust for the dinner I am attending, had a run through this weekend and it went well. I like that it's not the same old same old- new year, new me, new pie.
Wishing everyone a good week- time is going by a bit too quickly- it makes me think I'm not paying enough attention sometimes, but then I am so filled with self-awareness and (I'm trying not to use the word "criticism") for my actions/behaviors in the attempt to be better and do better- I'm surprised it's passing with any speed at all. Some days do plod by, others are easier- still working on that balance.
No thought of drinking- not even to think about NOT doing it. I really didn't think I'd ever see that happen. Still grateful- it was so hard about a year ago and so different now. Not easy, (I have decided that life isn't an easy thing) but good and steady.
Have a good one-
It's another Monday already?
It's crazy cold here- seems so sudden. Thanksgiving here this week- that's mind-blowing. I'm making a cranberry curd pie with hazelnut crust for the dinner I am attending, had a run through this weekend and it went well. I like that it's not the same old same old- new year, new me, new pie.
Wishing everyone a good week- time is going by a bit too quickly- it makes me think I'm not paying enough attention sometimes, but then I am so filled with self-awareness and (I'm trying not to use the word "criticism") for my actions/behaviors in the attempt to be better and do better- I'm surprised it's passing with any speed at all. Some days do plod by, others are easier- still working on that balance.
No thought of drinking- not even to think about NOT doing it. I really didn't think I'd ever see that happen. Still grateful- it was so hard about a year ago and so different now. Not easy, (I have decided that life isn't an easy thing) but good and steady.
Have a good one-
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Hey all great posts!
Free, the husbands drinking is ehh hes going to the gym a lot more so not drinking as much but every once in a while he’ll down 4-5 beers in one evening and it’s just like hey don’t ya realize when you start drinking you just want more. So yeah it’s better i would love if he’d just stop but it’s his choice.
The promotion is going well. I led my first research project and it was a success as far as I can tell. I’m really trying to work on my presentation skills. I get really nervous public speaking and this role has a lot of presenting which is part of the reason I wanted the role I want to conquer this fear. I started incorporating systemic desensitization and progressive muscle relaxation to help with the racing heart and shaking hands. I started incorporating it this past weekend and I presented today. I gotta say it was a world of improvement. Still a bit of nerves but nothing like I’ve experienced in the past. And this was a big meeting with higher up management. I’m totally thrilled with the progress!
I hope everyone is getting set for the holiday. I know thanksgiving is pretty triggering for me so I’m trying to pay extra close attention to myself. Thanksgiving is actually my mother in laws bday and she’s being grumpy about sharing the day. It’s gotta be tough to have a birthday near a holiday.
Stay close to SR if anyone needs anything. I know I’ll be checking in more frequently throughout the holiday season.
Free, the husbands drinking is ehh hes going to the gym a lot more so not drinking as much but every once in a while he’ll down 4-5 beers in one evening and it’s just like hey don’t ya realize when you start drinking you just want more. So yeah it’s better i would love if he’d just stop but it’s his choice.
The promotion is going well. I led my first research project and it was a success as far as I can tell. I’m really trying to work on my presentation skills. I get really nervous public speaking and this role has a lot of presenting which is part of the reason I wanted the role I want to conquer this fear. I started incorporating systemic desensitization and progressive muscle relaxation to help with the racing heart and shaking hands. I started incorporating it this past weekend and I presented today. I gotta say it was a world of improvement. Still a bit of nerves but nothing like I’ve experienced in the past. And this was a big meeting with higher up management. I’m totally thrilled with the progress!
I hope everyone is getting set for the holiday. I know thanksgiving is pretty triggering for me so I’m trying to pay extra close attention to myself. Thanksgiving is actually my mother in laws bday and she’s being grumpy about sharing the day. It’s gotta be tough to have a birthday near a holiday.
Stay close to SR if anyone needs anything. I know I’ll be checking in more frequently throughout the holiday season.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Good morning everyone!
I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. At the top of my list of things to be thankful for this year is this group. You guys have made a profound impact on my life and I couldn't have gotten where I am today without you.
Thanksgiving this year is going to be quite a bit more intimate than usual, as I'm only hosting my son, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend. It will make the food preparations a lot more easy to manage, and I won't have the chaos of activity to deal with when getting the food on the table. But I'll also miss the chaos of the full house and the grandkids fighting for my attention. My daughter decided to split the holidays this year, rather than trying to drive all over down with the three kids in tow. Totally understandable, and I'm good with her decision. We'll all be together for Christmas.
More news on the daughter/grandkids front, as they just found out (yesterday) that they were approved for their new home and will be moving in about a month. So excited for them, as they had completely outgrown their current house. My daughter was so emotional and excited when I talked to her last night. The only down side, on a completely selfish note, it that they are now twice as far away, so my commute will be closer to an hour. That won't change my visitation plans one bit though.
Bodhi, I'm glad to hear that things are going well in your new position. I'm right there with you on the presentation and public speaking discomfort. Sounds like you have already made great strides and, the more experience you get, the more it will become second nature. I'm thrilled for you!
I hope that everyone has a good long weekend. I'm certainly looking forward to a few days off. Work is good. Stressful, but I'm more mindful of it now, and taking steps to deal with it. Exercise is good. Eating better. Need to get out and socialize more. There are always things to work on, right? I'm in a good place to do that now. One sober, content, peaceful, happy day at a time. Love you guys.
James
I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. At the top of my list of things to be thankful for this year is this group. You guys have made a profound impact on my life and I couldn't have gotten where I am today without you.
Thanksgiving this year is going to be quite a bit more intimate than usual, as I'm only hosting my son, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend. It will make the food preparations a lot more easy to manage, and I won't have the chaos of activity to deal with when getting the food on the table. But I'll also miss the chaos of the full house and the grandkids fighting for my attention. My daughter decided to split the holidays this year, rather than trying to drive all over down with the three kids in tow. Totally understandable, and I'm good with her decision. We'll all be together for Christmas.
More news on the daughter/grandkids front, as they just found out (yesterday) that they were approved for their new home and will be moving in about a month. So excited for them, as they had completely outgrown their current house. My daughter was so emotional and excited when I talked to her last night. The only down side, on a completely selfish note, it that they are now twice as far away, so my commute will be closer to an hour. That won't change my visitation plans one bit though.
Bodhi, I'm glad to hear that things are going well in your new position. I'm right there with you on the presentation and public speaking discomfort. Sounds like you have already made great strides and, the more experience you get, the more it will become second nature. I'm thrilled for you!
I hope that everyone has a good long weekend. I'm certainly looking forward to a few days off. Work is good. Stressful, but I'm more mindful of it now, and taking steps to deal with it. Exercise is good. Eating better. Need to get out and socialize more. There are always things to work on, right? I'm in a good place to do that now. One sober, content, peaceful, happy day at a time. Love you guys.
James
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,358
Jammmmeeess!
So good to hear from you, and your posts are so thoughtful! Happy for your daughter and grandkids too. If you lived where I live, EVERYTHING is two hours away or more, so one hour in a great city with good highways is a blessing.
Glad you are eating well and having stress release though exercising.
We are going to a friends who live on top of a mountain. I’m bringing my Challah, gravy, and mashed potatoes. Six others while join us, and they all drink. As far as I know, NONE of them have problems with alcohol, yet.
Started to watch risky drinking on YouTube. It’s good, highly recommend as a reminder where we were, and what we are missing, Nothing but shame and misery, and potential dangerous situations.
Have has a rough week. Tearful spurts about my son disowning me, it hurts so badly, it hurts soooo badly. 🥺
In our small town there is lots of gossip, and lots of ex lovers of my husband. I’m having to deal with some drama, and I do not like it, Sam I Am. 🥵😨
So last night, I breathed, I cried, I knitted the ugliest blanket ever (pattern was wrong and I am not a quitter). I tried self relaxation. Then I took a drink.
Its the only thing that sustains life. I closed my eyes, and put my lips to the glass. I hesitate, because I really want to believe this is the right choice. I take three loud gulps, of a glass of mineral laden mountain WATER.
I imagined that this was the acidic wine I used to think “helped” me through the bad, “feeling” times. How I got caught up in that was such a slippery slope.
The water hydrates me and my soul, and breathes life into it.
I had two and a half days of really down, REALLY down mood. And I’ve lived.
And today the renters were up early, so so am I.
Im choosing not to complain. I’ll have a new home in less than a year (hopefully). Thankful to be close to the mountain.
Grateful I had a two hour chat with hubby about relationship stuff, and solutions to problems. We came up with some agreed upon solutions.
My stretching is good, my intake is good, and I’m choosing to sit with uncomfortable feelings for DAYS to be mindful of my words, and careful resolution if there is to be one.
The choice is my sons, and I struggle to let it go.
Im sad about my siblings, as I cut off contact in the evening of Thanksgiving. That is a move forward, and I only mourn what I wish has been there in our relationships all these years. I’m Thankful I’ve saved a year of mistreatment to this inner child.
Im thankful for all of you, to be blessed with enough food to eat, my eldest is alive and safe, and will have her first Thanksgiving not at an institution or starving on the streets for 10 years or more.
Thank you, class, for all of our collective earnestness as we plod forward on each of our paths, sometimes running, skipping, and dancing down our paths.
Yay for us!
Lots of Love,
Lynn
So good to hear from you, and your posts are so thoughtful! Happy for your daughter and grandkids too. If you lived where I live, EVERYTHING is two hours away or more, so one hour in a great city with good highways is a blessing.
Glad you are eating well and having stress release though exercising.
We are going to a friends who live on top of a mountain. I’m bringing my Challah, gravy, and mashed potatoes. Six others while join us, and they all drink. As far as I know, NONE of them have problems with alcohol, yet.
Started to watch risky drinking on YouTube. It’s good, highly recommend as a reminder where we were, and what we are missing, Nothing but shame and misery, and potential dangerous situations.
Have has a rough week. Tearful spurts about my son disowning me, it hurts so badly, it hurts soooo badly. 🥺
In our small town there is lots of gossip, and lots of ex lovers of my husband. I’m having to deal with some drama, and I do not like it, Sam I Am. 🥵😨
So last night, I breathed, I cried, I knitted the ugliest blanket ever (pattern was wrong and I am not a quitter). I tried self relaxation. Then I took a drink.
Its the only thing that sustains life. I closed my eyes, and put my lips to the glass. I hesitate, because I really want to believe this is the right choice. I take three loud gulps, of a glass of mineral laden mountain WATER.
I imagined that this was the acidic wine I used to think “helped” me through the bad, “feeling” times. How I got caught up in that was such a slippery slope.
The water hydrates me and my soul, and breathes life into it.
I had two and a half days of really down, REALLY down mood. And I’ve lived.
And today the renters were up early, so so am I.
Im choosing not to complain. I’ll have a new home in less than a year (hopefully). Thankful to be close to the mountain.
Grateful I had a two hour chat with hubby about relationship stuff, and solutions to problems. We came up with some agreed upon solutions.
My stretching is good, my intake is good, and I’m choosing to sit with uncomfortable feelings for DAYS to be mindful of my words, and careful resolution if there is to be one.
The choice is my sons, and I struggle to let it go.
Im sad about my siblings, as I cut off contact in the evening of Thanksgiving. That is a move forward, and I only mourn what I wish has been there in our relationships all these years. I’m Thankful I’ve saved a year of mistreatment to this inner child.
Im thankful for all of you, to be blessed with enough food to eat, my eldest is alive and safe, and will have her first Thanksgiving not at an institution or starving on the streets for 10 years or more.
Thank you, class, for all of our collective earnestness as we plod forward on each of our paths, sometimes running, skipping, and dancing down our paths.
Yay for us!
Lots of Love,
Lynn
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,465
Tonight I went to a Festival of Lights with some friends.
We went out to a bite to eat first, and after the lights we drove around talking and laughing, looking for decorated houses. It was a lovely night.
Enjoy the simple things, I’ve learned, and the gratitude just keeps growing.
Wishing you all a good night and some simple pleasures.
We went out to a bite to eat first, and after the lights we drove around talking and laughing, looking for decorated houses. It was a lovely night.
Enjoy the simple things, I’ve learned, and the gratitude just keeps growing.
Wishing you all a good night and some simple pleasures.
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