stargazer016

We had a crazy busy past few days at work. It got so busy yesterday, I had to stand outside and start an entrance line once again. People are piling on top of each other like Covid never happened.

I had a weird experience yesterday. A friend asked me why I texted her some random animated photos at 6:07 yesterday morning. I told her I was outside unloading trucks at that time, and I don't even carry my phone on me at work. She sent me a screen shot of her phone, and it showed that these images were from my phone. I took a screen shot of my phone and sent it to her, showing nothing sent on my end. She sent me the animations yesterday afternoon. One was kind of a picture of a sun circling within the square of the photo, the other was the outline of a circle expanding then vanishing. Later in the afternoon, these images and our conversations about them disappeared from both of our phones. What is even more interesting is that the original images were sent to her phone at 6:07, which happens to be her area code. Strange synchronicities keep occurring. When I had my reading a few weeks ago, I was told my spirit guides were very playful. I guess she was right.

I hope everyone has a good start to their weeks!

courage2

^^^ what a strange story, sg. I like it.

My husband gave me one of those warning messages the other day that he does when he thinks I'm acting mentally unbalanced. I was giving drinking more than a passing thought yesterday. But I'm still getting through one-day-at-a-time without having to crawl back to bed. I don't want to put too much hope into summer, but maybe if I take a couple of weeks off, the sun will bake this mixture of resentment and blues right out of me.

courage2

My husband and I had another conversation. I used to hate hate hate it when he told me I had mental problems, but since it turns out he was right, and I share a life with him, nowadays I kind of have to listen to what he says. He says that when I have bad experiences, or maybe even without them, a deep inner conviction of mine about the negativity of life asserts itself. And that then I start to take actions to create more of that darkness and misery -- to fulfill my sense of doom. He knows me pretty well That was ***so*** my style when I drank, and I'm obviously capable of it sober.

Working on getting better! Keep your sunny side up!

stargazer016

Have you ever tried meditation Courage, I mean in the last few years? It sounds like your heart/ soul is trying to break through, but your ego is keeping you trapped in the here and now. Think of soul energy like the group think at the end of a good AA meeting. People coming together as one with a common higher purpose. Your ego is your survival mechanism, trying to get you through the world as it is, in this dog eat dog, super competitive, material, money and status obsessed 3 dimensional era we are currently living in. It's scrambling overtime trying to plug the constant holes springing in your personal dike, holding back the ocean. Maybe it's time to let the dike metaphysically crumble, and see what happens. (Of course, I am not suggesting drinking!) Or maybe it's time to move yourself to a personal higher ground, above the constant fray and constant worry that your dike will fail. Then, if the dike breaks, it's not your problem. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your status quo is crumbling, and it's time to look at alternatives that make you content and give you a clearer sense of purpose in this epoch of your life. I don't think you are ill, I think you are just going through a sane response to an insane world. Try spending some time alone outside of your apartment, sitting on a park bench or taking a long walk in a park. Call in sick and take a day trip to the beach. Look at the huge Super moon in the sky tonight. Look up at it and think about letting go of the traumas that have been festering inside. Feel a connection with that which is grander than the world we are racing around in with blinders on all the time.

Sometimes, life feels like we are living in the movie The Matrix. Maybe it's time to take the red pill offered by Morpheus, and leave the "beautiful prison" behind.

FBL

Great post, Star!

I've been studying the Tao the past couple of years and have really noticed a change in me. I'm much calmer and not sweating the small stuff nearly as much. I truly believe that we can shape our own reality. So much seems out of my control, because it is! A lot of it is simply ego. I'm now finding the joy in getting out of my head and helping others. Meditation can take many forms. Mine is walking in nature and just being in the moment. I've also taken up disc golf again (something I really enjoyed when I was younger) and I felt that same calmness while on the course yesterday. I used to spend WAY too much time either in the past or the future, that I was missing the beauty of the "now"!

stargazer016

Well said FBL! I agree that we really do help to shape our own realities!

courage2

Thanks guys for the suggestions. I do spend time outside -- taking a lot of pictures of spring flowers -- and I have meditative spaces and places that I visit every day. I should and do live the values of acceptance, gratitude, and connectedness.

Recently, and I don't know if it was stress or just a natural cycle of mind & mood, I *have* been ill -- not too ill, but ill. I have fairly serious mental health issues, I've been addicted to multiple dangerous substances, and I had a lot of health problems continuously from December until just recently. Depression was putting its ugly spin on everything.

Good news -- I'm better. I tend to post about a mental health issue only when I'm on the upswing from it. Talking about it honestly with my husband may have helped, but I think the episode was just playing itself out. When he noticed the problem, I was moving out of it. I have this shape to my "episodes" (for want of a better word) -- a decline into a trough of despondency, and a sudden spike into hypermania. It's the latter that he notices.

The drugs I'm prescribed absolutely help reduce the intensity of a cycle like that, which hasn't happened but a couple of times in the last 4 years. Also not drinking, and recognizing that I can't drink no matter what -- if I'd fallen back into drinking, I'd have been lost! Your suggestions absolutely show me the sunshine across the road. More, it's so good to know you're listening.

courage2

^^^ I meant hypomania. I never get super-manic.

My sister-in-law in in the process of being admitted to a psych ward. Something that's been leading up to for 3 months or more.

Dee74

Glad you're moving towrds the sunshine Vourage
Very sorry to hear about your SIL tho.

D

courage2

Thanks Dee. It's been non-stop texts from my brother today; they're still in the ER now, and it looks like she'll spend the night there. He's been partially hospitalized himself, but I don't think he or either of my other siblings know much about psych inpatient -- they didn't seem to know you can't have cell phones. They seem to think he can go home and call the ER and they'll let him talk to her! I've never self-committed or been committed but I've visited friends on wards. Psych wards aren't often gentle places -- the other patients are not typically gentle or fun to be around. I hope he's made the right decision. He pressed her very hard -- threatened to invoke power of attorney -- and it's really really hard to say over the distance what's been going on. None of us have talked to her since February.

courage2

My brother has his own mental health problems. Some of his longstanding patterns of behavior have made me concerned all along that his approach to her problems over the last several months may have subtly undermined her health. It's so hard to know. And so sad to watch. I've never liked her but being admitted to a psych ward is a long, long way from anything I've ever thought might happen to her, and I've known her almost 40 years.

courage2

This is all making me unexpectedly upset. I guess it's a "not me ... not yet" moment.

G'night, all.

Dee74

I think its a natural reaction to be upset Cour?

D

FBL

Courage Lots of mental issues in my family too, especially on my Mom's side. Mom battled depression and anxiety for a long time. I think I shared about my cousin Randy's recent issues, including six months in an institution last year. Will be praying for you and yours.

stargazer016

Courage, what you are feeling is exactly what would be expected in your current situation. I wish for the best possible outcomes for your SIL and your brother. And, of course, yourself. You are getting a bunch of things thrown at you from all directions. One thought, one step at a time.

Wishing you strength in your time of need.

courage2

Thanks, guys.

FBL, I'm sorry I don't remember about your cousin Randy. How is he doing?

FBL

He doesn't have any immediate family, so it took me awhile to track him down last year. Once he was released from the institution, he ended up in an assisted living facility. I was able to speak with him on the phone and hope to go visit him someday (he's a few hundred miles away). He and I were like brothers growing up, so it was hard to see him slowly go downhill over the years. Sounds like he finally got some much needed help, but he'll probably never be able to live on his own again and he's only 58.

courage2

There are many many people in the US -- I've been trying to find statistics but I'm not sure anyone knows how many -- who need long-term treatment in an institution and have no way of getting it. It's been de-funded almost out of existence. I see the consequences of lack of good long-term care facilities every day on the street. My husband's sister is an adult ward of the state of NY, and one of "those people."

Prayers for some happy times for Randy.

This would all make a fascinating novel if I could only find an ending.

courage2

Hi everybody. I believe that yesterday I made more people angry and frustrated and disturbed than I have before over the sum of all my days. I don't know the extent to which I acted badly, though I'm examining my moral inventory very often. I know I intentionally caused disturbance, which led to frustration among many and anger among some. But I don't think the disturbance was the wrong thing to do. I raised an unwelcome question, and stated my perspective, and asked everyone to respond. Well obviously I got piled on. Maybe part of the reason the thing turned into a debacle was that there were some people present who actually like(d) me, who would have preferred not to pile on, and they were forced to show where they stood.

Anyway, it's one of those things where the fact that no one sends a follow-up email on a meeting means that it was *so* bad they're speechless.

I'm resigning my committees!

Hope each of you remain sober and well!

Dee74

Sometimes doing the right thing will tick other people off, Cour ...

Have a great weekend guys!

D