venuscat

Oh Duff honey I am so sorry about your dad, and you mum as well. s

I need to suggest that you get his license removed though.....there comes a point where we have to do that. Sometimes.....we had to with dad. He was not happy with us at all, but it was no longer safe for him to drive. xx

Duffster

I agree with you, Suze. It's not going to be a fun discussion but I do know it's one many have to have. I appreciate your sharing that you had to do that with your dad too. xoxo

BuddinK

Hi All,

Hope things are going well, Duff, I'd hate to have to have that conversation and I'm sure it won't be any fun, but agree it's necessary.

Work threw us a curve today, starting this week we will only work 4 days a week until further notice. Mack trucks went on strike and they are a large part of our business.

Of course that still means we shouldn't really plan any weekend get aways because they could always tell us on Thursday that we are working Friday or Friday-Sunday.

Lots of people are panicking, I did some budget refiguring and I can survive off the shortened weeks, but it wont be easy, kind of wishing I hadn't bought a second car in June!

Hopefully the strike wont last long.

tootsl1

I hope you aren't on short weeks for too long Budd.

Duff, we had to do that too with my dad, he would have been a total liability in a car my brother told me yesterday he saw my dad using the gas stove and almost falling asleep, so I think that's another convo due. Thing is, we want to keep him active and don't want him needing mum for everything, but his pain meds have been increased which is making him more confused and tired. I arrived yesterday, but other than a very brief visit didn't spend time. Will be across for most the day today.

venuscat

Thinking of you dear toots.

And hoping the strike is over fast dear Bud.

Babs1234

Duff,Toots, my thoughts and prayers are with u guys ..my dad also ran my sisters car through they're garage and plowed over the lawn mower at the same time. He was another one that kept going to the end. I just thank god know one ever got hurt...thinking of you😑
Babs

Babs1234

P.S. hope your work days get back to normal soon Budd.
Babs

Saskia

Duff and Toots, you are both in challenging situations. It’s one many of us go through and one of the reasons I decided to move to a retirement community while I was still in reasonably good shape.

Budd, sorry to hear about reduced hours. If the top dudes had to live on what their workers did, I suspect things would change.

tootsl1

Yes, watching what is happening to my folks is making it abundantly clear I need to ensure my care in later years is organised before it's necessary.
Watching them all day yesterday, my dad is obviously in a lot of pain, but he does not deal well with it, instead he passes a huge burden onto my mum, physically and emotionally. I have yet to be able to have a talk with my mum, which I need to before I try talk to my dad. I hope today gives an opportunity to do that..

Saskia

Toots,

Duffster

(((Toots))) Were you able to have a talk with your parents? I did and it didn't go very well. I have to talk to my brother and come up with a plan.

Any news on the job front, Budd? I hope the schedule gets back to normal soon for you. In the meantime I'm sure the pups are enjoying having you around more.

How are you doing, Babs? My dad didn't plow over a lawn mower but he did hit and ruin his bike. Which now that I think about it he certainly doesn't need a bicycle anymore.

Sass, Suze, Dee, PJ and all other Marchers I hope you're all having an enjoyable weekend.

Saskia

Duff, when my sisters and I tried talking to our dad it didn’t go well at all. He was as stubborn as the come. We finally gave up and fortunately nothing happened. We couldn’t think what else to do. A few of options I have heard others use: 1. Talk to their doctor - people will sometimes take what their doctor says more seriously, 2. Report them to the DMV who can make them take a driving test, 3. See if there is a local “ITN” or similar (organization that’s provides rides for seniors for a fee), 4. Uber or Lyft. In some places there is a special phone number for seniors who want to use Uber or Lyft but don’t have cellphones.

Most seniors I see here hold onto their driving for dear life. One 92-year-old was being quite stubborn. He bought a new car that had all the safety features on it and couldn’t figure out how to use them. His daughters tried valiantly to get him to give up his car. He finally reached an agreement with them: he would temporarily keep his car while he used other transportation options and only use his car if he ran into situations he hadn’t counted on. That happened about 2 or 3 times and now that he has figured out how to get around those snags he is giving up his car!

venuscat

We thought about talking to dad's doctor, but he would have been insulted and humiliated. So we had conversation no 2 with him Duff. And what we did, I did actually, was tell him quietly and calmly that we loved and needed him and didn't think he could see well enough to drive safely anymore. (He had a terrifying accident, car wrecked but he was OK). It was time, even though he hated this. I asked him what he would do if it was me.....we had some tears.....and he heard me and never drove again.

Babs1234

Hi guys ! Yes we had the Dr. Tell my dad that he needed to go to a nursing home for a couple of days till he got better. .He didn't like the idea but excepted it much better coming from the Dr.....
Duff in reply to your question...I'm going to two AA meetings ....hubby and I are like a time bomb some days.
Ugh......
Babs

Duffster

Thank you, guys. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your own experiences and what you know. So many people say you just have to make him listen. Thank you for understanding that it isn't that easy. You've given me a lot to think about as to how to approach this. XOXO

Babs, so glad to hear you're going to meetings. I know what it's like to live with a time bomb - glad to see you're focusing on yourself.

venuscat

Most important.....sit down, right next to him. Hold his hand. Do it with love and I feel that our parents hear us. s

Saskia

I tried gently talking with my dad and told him that I didn’t want to lose him. I can see how that might work for some but not for my ultra-stubborn dad. In his case, I don’t think there was much I could do except pray that he didn’t have an accident. He never did - and in many ways that made it harder to convince him. My mother was easier - she had 3 accidents where her car was totaled but no one was hurt. The third happened shortly before my dad died. She wouldn’t drive his car because it was an automatic. So we gave away his car and didn’t replace hers. She was much easier to deal with! No perfect solutions...

tootsl1

I've spoken to my mum and she is quite keen on the idea of short term respite care for dad to give her a week or two break. Today and tomorrow I have some alone time with my dad so I will broach the subject. The problem is all he cares about is himself. Oh, he says several times a day he loves mum and wants what's best for her, but still uses and abuses her. He has reverted to behaving like a child, taking no responsibility for himself, expecting mum to do it all. What he does do, he does wrong and mum has to put it right. If she doesn't immediately jump to his orders he will say 'alright, leave it' which would be ok said in an even tempered voice, but he growls it out viciously. He is demanding of his pain relief, refusing to accept the 4hour period he needs to wait. The meds are causing him confusion such as it's like living with a drunk - not pretty- and of course make him sleepy and unsteady on his feet. I feel it's only a matter of time before we reach another crisis, I'm just unsure at the moment which one of them with present it! It has been a very emotional few days watching things unfold, doing what I can and to support, knowing it's never enough. I feel guilty 'running away' to my brothers at the end of the day, leaving my mum to cope, though it's what she does when I'm not here anyway. She is getting better at standing up for herself, though sometimes she hates when she shouts back, but in a lot of ways she made this rod and continues to cause some of her own problems due to residual guilt over feeling she didn't do enough for her own mother during her last months. My dad abuses this fact, and my hubby loses empathy with her over it, so is not so understanding with me when I relay the days events. It's a fine wire I walk just now, I'm glad I am here though.

tootsl1

Just a thought as I read back what I wrote there. I am so very happy that I am dealing with this situation with a measure of sober growth. I know that if I was still actively drinking I would have been no help whatsoever and much more of an aggressive hinderance. I would also drowned myself in drink of an evening, feeling sorry for myself having to deal with this all. Now, I do not feel remotely sorry for myself, as this is not my story, it is my mum and dads, I am just a walk-on doing all I can.

Babs I also meant to say I'm sorry things aren't great at home. Are you getting plenty of emotional support? Did you look into getting another counsellor? Perhaps something like a gentle yoga class with meditation might give you something to look forward to and bring temporary peace?

Saskia

Toots, sad to say many of us end up worn out physically and emotionally taking care of aging parents - even in good circumstances. It can lead to guilt feelings that we didn’t do enough or weren’t kind enough, etc. The reality is that we are human and we each have different limits. We can only do what we can and then it’s important for our own mental health and those around us to try to set some limits. Many of us do end up feeling guilty anyway that we “didn’t do enough”. The guilt fades with time.

I’m living here because I think my daughter has enough challenges and doesn’t need me to add to them. She knows there may not be much of an inheritance for her and is ok with that. This way I don’t have to worry about being taken care of and she doesn’t need to feel guilty about not taking care of me.