Plenny

Hey Sunflower, thanks for getting back to my post. Yeah, I don't think I can get him to counseling. I'm just so thankful he is not drinking right now because I can't help but believe that something is getting through. I really feel like if he throws my exes in my face in the middle of an argument one more time I'm just going to leave.

kevlarsjal2

Plenny

This sounds exactly like things went with my ex/bf.... So often he'd just be all defensive and justify himself when I felt disappointed or hurt. Whenever we talked about it he also just accused me of having abandonment issues or trust issues, just any form of issues that I am taking out on him. Or that I made him do whatever he did that upset me. He never had a choice, he was never at fault. It was so frustrating.
When it wasn't about him he was the most compassionate and understanding person you could imagine. But as soon as it was him, then he'd think that I am just picking on him, that I criticise to show him what a bad partner he is or to ridicule him. Which is clearly what I would do to someone I love (not!).
He just expected me to know that he had no intention to upset me and therefore I should not feel upset. On the other hand, if he was upset by something he just wouldn't say a word. He'd just be passive aggressive or suddenly break up with me cause he was so frustrated by something he never even gave me the chance to change. He clearly doesn't know about how to give or handle feedback.
And it sounds like your SO doesn't really seem to know either. It's like they only ever see themselves in any interaction. Their intentions, their feelings, how our behaviour affects them, how we make them feel. The part about how we feel and how their behaviour affects us seems to be incomprehensible for them. Can this be so hard to understand though?

kevlarsjal2

Thanks Sunflower!! I read your post earlier and it sounds like you're in a really tough spot yourself. At least we don't have to go through these things alone but can do so together Sending you many hugs!

Sunflowerlife

Hey Plenny- Our marriage counselor had us write out "rules for arguing" earlier in the year. It was things like, "no name calling" and "no bringing up the past." I wonder if you guys could do something like that? It sounds like he has a hard time focusing on the issue at hand and likes to throw in extra items about the past or things that are truly irrelevant. How frustrating!
Sounds like you have a plan though. You will know what decision to make when the time comes. I'm glad you are feeling better about things now.

Sunflowerlife

Yes, I agree. Together and SOBER!! I mean really, what amazing things to be grateful for???

kevlarsjal2

Willow, I hope you got alright through the airport / plane situation! I remember flying home from Christmas in London at my ex / bf parents' place. I was sober for 2 months then and it was absolute hell. EVERYONE around me seemed to drink, all the bars looked so inviting, like they had never done before. So I was already pretty worn out by cravings and AV stuff when I boarded the plane but then it just got worse as it was an evening flight just after the holidays and everyone was ordering wine, beer and cocktails. The whole plane smelled like a bar. I was just holding my bf's hand, stared at my feet, with my scarf wrapped around my nose and tried to survive somehow. I hope very much that your flight was more pleasant! <3

Plenny

Yeah, again he has promised in the past not to do certain things in an argument. Then he just does it anyway. The common theme with him is he says things he will not back up with actions.

kevlarsjal2

You and those old timers are so right about this! The thing is I am totally aware that this is what I'm doing but it still get's out of control. It's like a compulsion. His problems and behaviour affect me so much emotionally that I feel unable to focus on myself until things are solved. It's so stupid. I wish I could just cut it out and "do my thing". That's something I really have to learn. I just seem to make very slow progress with it.
I think he is very similar in the way that he felt more of an urge to try and support me or to get me to work on my stuff than addressing his own issues. And then he ended up feeling so burnt out that he had no energy left to take care of his own recovery.
Is that not the definition of codependency? Anyway I think I am not ready for a relationship like this really. I guess I could wish for a partner with less or no problems of his own (but who has no problems? That would creep me out!) and I'm sure even then I'd end up finding things on his side to stress about that would keep me from focusing on myself...

kevlarsjal2

I know that one too... "Yes I know I can't keep breaking up with you every time we fight, I can't kick you out as soon as we have a misunderstanding, I can't stop talking to you for a week, I will do therapy, this time I will really do therapy, no but this time now!.."

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is so exhausting and frustrating

Plenny

Ugh I know what you mean. As much as I hate being with an underdeveloped traumatized addict with tons of problems I also love being with someone who really understands my issues in a way that almost no one else could.

kevlarsjal2

That's the thing for me too. I never felt such a strong connection with anyone. And no one seemed to understand me the way he does. But as perfect as his understanding of me is in most cases, as bad it gets when it's about me feeling hurt or disappointed by him. Then it's like he doesn't even speak my language, like there is nothing in this whole world I could do to make myself understood. It's so frustrating and depressing. I tried to solve this for 2 years and came up with new ways to approach him, analysed the **** out of myself and him and it still didn't seem to solve it. He kept seeing all of it as my fault, every single time. There were so many double standards. If I accused him of something, (like being uncaring) he would not even ask how or why I feel that way but go straight into defending and justifying himself, telling me I am never satisfied or how I can think of him in such a bad way if he's doing so much for me. Then it was my fault for just assuming that his behaviour meant he doesn't care. If the situation was the other way round and I ended up defending myself, it was my fault for being so upset by his wording and I should've said " I appreciate your feelings very much but could you please use a nicer words" something he would never do. The change always needed to happen on my side and he still thought it was him who's giving more in this relationship. I just can't. Thinking about this struggle makes my stomach ache. Still I love and miss him very much. I must be insane.

Neoo

Signing off chat tomorrow

erfra7

Our deepest fear is not that we are still inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
Is our light not our darkness , that most frightens us.


24 more of sobriety and freedom from drugs and freedom from self

Sunflowerlife

My favorite quote of all time.
How are you Erfra??

nmd

In for 24hours sober

Hevyn

Sign me up for another 24 please. Can't stop now.

PhoenixJ

Prayers to all struggling.
Relationships can be brutal in recovery. SO's go through their own stuff about us- and in some cases are not equipped to be good supports...what with the hurt, anger, pain, mistrust...
That is where professional support, SR, meetings all come into their own.

There is not situation in life- that if I drank, would not become worse.

Support and prayers to all.

kevlarsjal2

Thanks PJ, support to you too!
Your story is one of the biggest inspirations to me.

And yes, we are a lot to deal with. Especially when it's two addicts / alcoholics in a relationship. It works for some but it can also easily become too much "baggage" for one relationship

venuscat

Personally, I think the bonds you girls are making here are so very precious....we learn so much by learning to understand each other....and we really do.

I have a webinar for my course in a few minutes.....got Zoom a bit more sussed out...gosh....ended up with my face on video and I was not prepared....seriously....I was in a towel Not tonight baby. Clothes on and video off, just to be safe.

Back a bit later. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

1newcreation

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