venuscat

^^^ Ringo....hi....beautiful post.

Hey Sunny....where are you....hope you are OK love.
Ahhh....there you are....

Sunflowerlife

Hi ProfD- I'm really sorry about last night- I hope you can find some space today to give yourself whatever it is you need to move forward. I can relate to the confusion of the chicken and the egg and I agree that some extra support might be helpful. I love therapy- I always walk away with something new, no matter how the session goes. I don't think you are insane- I think you just need to give yourself time to heal and time to get sober. Early sobriety is really challenging- I didn't feel better until probably 8 months in and found the first 6 months really, really difficult. If I were you I would focus on the sobriety- but you may find that the tools you you get in therapy will help you with the food as well.

And like you said, restricting will lead to more problems. It's a sure fire way to end up binging and since your body is looking for some sort of calories/sugar then it makes sense that it would also lead you to drink. In the podcast I listen to, "Brain over Binge" they talk about making sure we eat adequately. There is no way to stop binging if we continue to restrict. And in the acronym H.A.L.T it is pretty much the same theory that hunger can lead to drinking.

I am thinking of you today and wishing you strength and clarity. You will get through this, just take it slowly and be gently with yourself.

Sunflowerlife

Hi! How did you know I was here?? Just got home from the store...about to catch up and then post my update

Sunflowerlife

I hope today is a better day for you- I'm sorry about your friend's passing. Those are a lot of tough emotions to feel today but you can do it without a "treat." Keep reminding yourself that you are worth recovery, no matter what.

venuscat

I could see your name at the bottom of the page....members viewing this thread.

Sunflowerlife

Beautiful words Ringo, thank you so much for sharing that. When I realized that I was powerless over certain foods I literally cried at the fact that I was going to have to go through all the "hard work" all over again (that's how it felt.) I was resentful that here I was, 13 months sober and now I had to do it all again with the food.

I am past that part of the process at this point, and ready to commit but I am realizing I simply can't do it on my own like I did with the alcohol.

But I am worth it. I believe a lot of us just don't believe we are worth a healthy, peaceful, present life. I know that every time I get closer to living that way, my addiction pulls me back in to show me I can't do it or I'm not worth it. Well I'm not going to let it do that to me anymore. Enough is enough. I think I've hit my rock bottom this time..

Thanks again

Sunflowerlife

Day 1.

Yesterday sucked.
This morning's carb hangover was the morning from hell.
Bloated, ashamed, puffy, uncomfortable- my body in pain from the water weight- my mind racing from the thoughts of self hate and guilt.

I pushed through and went to the gym and had a great full body workout. Most mornings like this I am too ashamed to go out in public so I am proud of myself for getting my workout in regardless. I feel better now.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.

This is NOT the life I want, NOT the person I am. I am not going to let this addiction win. I hope to God I can carry this feeling with me somehow so that I can remember the pain next time I want to binge on sugar/carbs.

My poor husband tried to hug me this morning from behind as soon as I came downstairs and I pretty much told him to get off of me. I feel bad that he still doesn't know me, 8 years into our relationship to know I need space when I'm suffering. The other part of me, of course, feels awful that I would push him away, especially since I know I wouldn't react this way if I wasn't feeling so sick and battered inside.

I might write myself a letter to read the next time I get an urge to binge or eat compulsively. I am going to a different OA meeting tonight since I missed Sunday.

I am also starting to think I am not eating enough, which is triggering the cravings. I keep wanting to lose these last few pounds before we join the pool in a month but I should instead be focusing on fueling my body and getting over these urges to binge. I can lose weight another time- it's not the priority right now.

With all of my heart and soul, I commit to 24 hours of abstinence from sugar and refined carbs today. I am also going to try to cut out dairy starting today so I can slowly address what I believe is a candida problem in my gut. Instead of eliminating all foods that feed candida (caffeine, legumes, dairy) I will focus on one at a time. About to plan my meals for the day, shower and then work on the living room windows.

Wishing you all a great day- I'll be checking in throughout the day

Sunflowerlife

I found this episode of Brain Over Binge really helpful this morning:

https://brainoverbinge.com/episode-4...nally-recover/

"In the moment that you decide to binge, you're just trying to get some peace-you're just trying to make that [urge] go away. The problem is though, it does not give you peace. And as you're seeing, it's leading to consequences in your life...you hate that you keep doing it, you hate that you can't stop- so even though it feels like in that moment that you want to get relief, and that binging is going to be the solution to giving you relief, it doesn't actually work...you might feel that temporary relief in the moment, but then it leads to all these consequences and you wish you had not done it..."

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

I am good.

On a whim did fasting cardio today. Not exactly my thing, just shook up routine a little bit.

As expected it took me exactly 3 days to regain my nutritional sanity which means that my body cringes at the mere thought about ice-cream.

Blah.

Have a good day, everyone.

Sunflowerlife

Ah yes, 72 hours seems to be the magic number for me as well. Glad you are feeling back to "nutritional sanity." I've got 3 days to go

Lizajane

Hi Sunflower!
I too am trying to stop over eating, particularly carbs that send me into binge eating. I know the first munch is my doom.

I have been doing well even though I am home for the summer with too much access to food by pre empting hunger. I have this crazy blender concoction every morning that really helped before and I don't know why I stopped. It is not for anyone on meds because it has grapefruit. I will share in case you want to try.

In my NINJA blender I put 1/3 of a grapefruit RIND included (dice before blending), then add 3 strawberries or some blueberries (blend) then one cup of Light and Fit Greek Yogurt (flavor of choice), unsweetened vanilla almond milk, scoop of bountiful beet powder, half scoop protein powder and a sprinkle of flax chia blend. I add a dash of splenda as needed.

Now that shake tastes pretty decent and it fills me up for some time! I know the grapefruit rind is whacky but I read a couple years ago about things it had that were awesome for women suffering hormonal issues and I swear it worked to decrease my breast pain around my periods. I have no idea why. I lost weight then and I am losing now but I have made a complete lifestyle change too.

For lunch I have lettuce and leftover protein from last night's dinner.

In the afternoon when I get a craving for a sugary snack, I make a less complicated yogurt shake with just the yogurt, frozen banana and berries. It really takes the edge off and feels like I have had a milkshake treat! Does not send me on a more more more bender. I usually have the shake with a big bowl of raw veggies. My afternoon food craving time usually makes me want chips, cookies, cheese crackers or something to binge on but I tell myself...have the shake and veggies and if you still are hungry then you can think about those things. I am legitimately full after the healthy snack and so far have avoided the before dinner binge.

For dinner I eat pretty normal, no real diet plan but I always have a salad, cooked veggie, protein and add a starch sometimes careful with portions.

When I deviate from this plan...that is when I struggle. The key for me is do not skip a meal/snack time and always have a plan for what I am going to eat. No plan, I will grab something bad...skip a snack or meal and I will over eat or not care what it is.

Sorry this was probably WAY too much info about me. Just like to share a plan that seems to be working in case it works for others.
Good luck friend.

Sunflowerlife

Hi Lizajane! Never too much info- thank you so much for sharing! I also have found my "safe meals" and pretty much repeat them and avoid deviating to keep from getting triggered. I do really well on low carb/high fat so other than a few berries here and there I have to avoid fruit. But I am really glad you found something that works for you and your body- that is the ticket to success and we are all so different!

I just made my shake which is always my first meal, and I put in it: frozen kale, water or almond milk, vegan protein powder, chia and hemp seeds and MCT oil. It should keep me going for at least 3-4 hours! I just planned my meals for the day and am really going to try to stick to them. I know that if I want to succeed I need to do this.

I also like the idea of eating the veggies before giving into anything else. I have heard that advice a lot- to just be patient with and urge, eat something else and say, "if it's still here in 20 minutes I will re-evaluate.)

I am wishing you a wonderful day!

Sunflowerlife

I just lost it on my toddler. I just can't for the life of me tolerate having to change the YouTube show every 6 minutes or so (this goes on for an hour) I screamed, I locked myself in the basement, I really flipped my lid on him. Then I cried and apologized. No 3 year old should have a crazy mom like this. I really feel like I'm losing my mind, like I want to get in my car and drive away for good. It's the carb hangover talking and I know I just have to get through this day but it shows you how powerful food is.

The wrong food for my body makes me mean.
It makes me angry.
It makes me want to die.
It makes me into an awful person.

I don't know how I'm going to survive this day but I have no other choice. The thought of binging already reared its ugly head. But I'm not going to do it. I can't give in or this cycle will never end. God help me, I feel so alone and scared and insane right now. Sorry for the drama- sometimes getting it out helps me feel better.

venuscat

Lean on your friends Sunny.....I am here....let us help you get through today. ♥

ProfessorD

Sunny, I'm so sorry. What a hard day for you But it's just a moment in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year, in a decade, in a life. Moms get frustrated sometimes; it will be OK.

Hi LizaJane and Ringo!

Jeni, I'm sorry about your friend. ::

Meanwhile I'm hungover from the drinks I had (didn't eat enough yesterday). Now I'm eating all kinds of things, including refined carbs. I'll stay within my calorie limit, but it isn't going to be a low carb day. Hoping I can make it to the gym later, but who knows. I honestly feel like I've undone all the progress I made in the last month and a half.

venuscat

I don't think you have.....
I think you're pretty amazing actually....right back on the horse, so to speak. ♥

PeacefulWater12

Thinking of you, SunFlowerLife. Sending strength and kindness.

PeacefulWater12

Closing in at the end of another safe and clean day of eating. Feeling well and very grateful.

Jeni26

Hey Sunny, there’s not a Mum in the world who doesn’t understand the frustration of being with a toddler and who hasn’t screamed or cried or locked themselves away at some point. Believe me.

When you get to that point, how about going out for a walk with them to the park, or the woods, or an open space...take in some fresh air, push him/her on a swing, and breathe...
This is a journey we are on, and we are helping each other along the way.

Today was sad...but no bingeing 😊

MidnightBlue

Sorry you are struggling, Sunflower.

Sugar always plays wicked games with my mood and warps reality.

Tomorrow will be a new day.