Dee74

How are you going Nands?

D

kenton

Poppy, I'm certain this is just a blip. You wouldn't be posting here if you were planning on drinking again. I know it's easier said than done but please don't beat yourself up. You are not defeated. Far from it. You proved to yourself that you can stay sober for a long time. And all that time counts for so much. I understand you're feeling low today but these feelings won't last. It was a tiny bump in the road but you're still on the road. You haven't been derailed or veered off in the wrong direction. We're all here whenever you need us. Stay strong Poppy xxx

kenton

Thanks Ananda and Dee.

It's Monday night, my husband is out so I'm watching Real Housewives of New York. How do people with so much money find so much to argue about??? I guess if the housewives all got on and supported each other, I wouldn't be watching.

Hope everyone is ok. Kev, how's everything going? Steely, so great to hear from you. Love to everyone xxxx

Steely

Poppy, just read your post and am cutting to end of scroll to reply.

Yes, I did relapse a few days before May Day Poppy and felt precisely the same as you are feeling now.

Good news is is that it gets better and becomes more of a learning experience, than something to flog ourselves about, and frankly I'm tired of flogging myself about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G! And think that *picking up* has a lot to do with
self-punishment, but can only speak for myself. Don't want to do that anymore, and don't think you do either.

You were hurt by your husband's actions and looks to me that you took it out on yourself rather than your husband. By that I mean, it was not really cool of him to be grumpy when you were trying to make it special for HIS birthday. Your anger played back on yourself?

Poppy, you know my computer is playing up and want to get this away to you to let you know that's it is not about the days, but (for me) an all encompassing knowledge that sobriety really is far better than drinking. It so sucks.

It gets better Poppy let me assure you. You just jump back on the bike and pedal slow. It's all going to be alright Poppy, you just wait and see. And for what it's worth, I don't feel so alone.

We can rock it Poppy. And that was yesterday.

Much love and solidarity, Steely xxxxx

Poppy79

Thanks Steely, I do feel better after reading the supportive posts from you and the others
I must pick myself up, dust myself off and get back to the real me that doesn't need booze. I deserve better than self punishment and sabotage.

Steely

Steely

It's over as quick as that Poppy and we are made stronger....

Poppy79

Indeed it is. I'm confident I won't fall again but there is still that niggling worry.

kenton

I hope you're feeling ok Poppy. This has been such an interesting discussion and made me realise that often I drank because I was feeling angry or upset at the world and had a "f**k you world" attitude. Almost like getting drunk would somehow teach the world a lesson. I read over and over again on the newcomers thread how resentment after being treated badly is a number 1 trigger. It's so useful to recognise this because so many of us addicts seem to have the same thought patterns.

So now we know that when people or life treats us unfairly, that's when the AV is going to creep right back in. So that's when we need to take extra special care of ourselves.

I'm sorry you're feeling low Poppy but I think, as Steely says you will be even stronger after this blip. Take care of yourself and post here whenever you need to. Lots of love xxxx

Dee74

Its a good sign I think to have that niggling worry - it shows that you're not complacent and that you realise now how easily we can fall back.

But make it an educated niggle and not a flat out fear...like I said - you run the show Poppy, not your addiction.

I'm taking a few days off so take care gang - I know the support and understanding will continue here unabated

D

Poppy79

Beautiful words Kenton from a beautiful person. I really appreciate it. It's days like today where I believe I am a terrible person. Shame is a horrid feeling but these kinds word have pulled me out of that funk and I am realising that I had over 250 wins and 1 small loss. I choose to win again

Poppy79

Have a wonderful few days Dee, and thank you for being there with your wise words.

kenton

Yes! That's the way to look at it Poppy. If a football team had 250 wins and one loss, no one would think that football team was a failure. You are already sounding stronger. You're going to bounce right back from this Poppy, stronger than ever.

I hope you enjoy your well deserved break Dee and see you when you get back xxx

kevlarsjal

Sorry, I'm jumping in without having read everyone's posts.

I'm sorry to hear what happened Poppy but I am glad you came right back here. Don't let it discourage you. I almost had a slip some weeks ago and I wasn't sure if it counted as a relapse or not. But I think the most important thing is that I never wanted to ditch sobriety and it feels like you don't either.

It must be really hard to not have people around you who understand and to constantly try and explain addiction to non-addicts. I have created a big sober network in my life and it makes things a whole lot easier. There's always someone who understands or someone who can 'not drink' with me at events. And people who know that I sometimes can't make it to boozy events or places, no matter how important they are.
Have you tried going to AA or any other groups? SR is really helpful and you find a lot of support and advice here but sometimes all I need is to just sit in a room with people who all understand.


Kenton, I hope the steroids help. Is that the medicine you were worried about its side effects?
I take steroids too for my asthma and lots of people have to take them daily for their whole life. The side effects sound a bit scary but with my asthma spray they mostly do their work locally in the lungs and I imagine it's similar with your eye injections. I really hope things will get better (or not get worse at least). And just wanted to say that i think you're really strong and brave and made a good decision here.

kevlarsjal

This post might turn into a rant...

I feel resentful and frustrated today. I make good progress at the moment, realising lots of things.
I decided I want to stay in my relationship. One of the reasons being "no big changes in the first year of sobriety", another that I think he's a good guy overall, another that I think it's my own insanity that made me wanna jump out of that window.

So the thing is I realised that I was suffocating him. Our relationship dynamics became very codependent and I think he liked it a bit and encouraged it. I was so focused on him in my early recovery and he's helped me masses and has been there for me any time, trying to just listen, support and give advice when he could. I think to a certain degree he enjoyed it cause it made him feel helpful and also brought us extremely close. He struggles with insecurities and having all of my attention all the time and me seeking his comfort and attention all the time made him feel secure in our relationship. So that's why I think he didn't really mind my over fixation on him and our relationship.
But this all must've been extremely draining for him too, especially given the fact that he's in recovery too. But for the sake of feeling needed, also for wanting to help me, he didn't set boundaries and didn't make sure to take time for himself when he needed it.

He started doing that recently though cause he just didn't have anything left to give and was just ******* exhausted. Which was new behaviour to me and made me think that I provoked that change somehow, that he didnt care about me anymore. So I tried to make him be there for me anyway and gave him a bad conscience for not wanting to see me.

Which I feel bad about. I think I start to see many parallels between my drinking and my relationship. I used both to distract me from any negative feelings, I tried to seek comfort in both rather than dealing with my emotions. Whenever I felt bad I just threw myself onto him, expecting him to make me feel better. And with both I have major problems finding a moderate approach.

We came to the conclusion that it escalated the way it did cause we were both unable to deal with the situation cause we didn't take good care of ourselves. He was feeling really bad for weeks already and totally drained but didn't wanna go to the docs cause he hoped he'd just get better without help. And I was drained from trying to make him go get help, seeing him suffer so much, trying to stay strong and supportive. We both needed time for ourselves but rated it more important to spend time together instead. Which is probably a bad decision for people in recovery.

We agreed on giving each other space to work on ourselves first so we didn't see each other for a whole week. We met for dinner on Sunday night and went to his place for tea but then I went home. I didn't like it cause I don't like going home alone at midnight and I felt like an idiot cause I should've gone earlier but I did want to spend as much time with him as possible. So I didn't take good care of myself (going home earlier) just to be with him for a few more hours. Total addict thinking.

He asked me if I wanted to stay over this Friday night and I don't really feel comfortable about it after what happened that other weekend and I'm worried we might argue again and he'll kick me out again. Don't want that to happen again. So I don't feel like I can already stay over again. Which should be fine but I am so desperate to see him that I want to do it anyway. And this is the confusing part.

Option 1)
I don't want to stay over because I'm pissed off that he doesn't wanna come to my place which'd make it easier for me. So am I just saying no cause I didn't get my will and cause I don't want to accept life how it is? So if i can't have my will, he shouldn't have his either?

Or is it
Option 2)
I really don't feel good about staying there and need more time but then my addict brain wants to see him so badly that I'm willing to pay whatever price?


This is all annoying me and I wish I could just have a 'normal' relationship where no one is in recovery and therefore has to take extra good care of himself. But that's just like wishing I could drink normally. It's just not gonna be like that. He's an addict. I'm an addict. I'm just so, so tired of being one. Always having to pay attention to everything. To the fact that what I think I want often isn't what's good for me. But I guess I can moan about it as much as I want to, it's not gonna change. I just have to accept it, grow up and learn to live with it. But it's exhausting and frustrating sometimes.

Ananda

Kev,

I can tell you that sobriety won't always be exhausting and frustrating. Remember that all people, not just alchoholics, that need to take care of themselves and struggle with balance in relationships.

The more time that goes by in sobriety and in age, the more I realize that I am very little different than the rest of humanity. As someone once said, the only real difference is that my liver doesn't process alchohol the same, thus I cannot safely drink.

I am learning to trust myself and my ablility to see thoughts and emotions as just being that, then taking what I see as the next indicated action.

Please come post whenever you need to vent Kev. It is one thing that we can do for you no matter what

Steely

Battery low, but far out you made it through the blip Poppy. Kenton and Dee's words, wise. A day in the life ....... and today we are sober.

Can't write much kev cause of computer, but can remember feeling really sick and tired of *sobriety*. That's changed now and try to embrace it as the only way this little black duck is ever going to get anywhere worthwhile, or be in my own little cotton socks.

Can't agree more on resentment theory being behind a lot of us taking a lousy slug. Anger, blah.

Why can't your bf come to your place kev, or have I missed something? Is it because you have a flat mate now?

We are the best mob ever.

Steely

Enjoy your break Dee.

Ananda

I have made an appointment and will be going to the doctor in about 45 minutes.

It just seems prudent to check with him as I seem to be getting more and more tired and my sleep more and more interrupted by what I believe is the Aphib.

If the Aphib isn't the problem, I will need to push myself through this and assume it is laziness and depression. Saw the Psych last week, so I don't think it is depression related and I am on appropriate meds. The doctor had some blood work done related to tiredness last Thursday and the results should be in to tell if there is a physical cause.

Just wanted to update you. I obviously am not "doing ok", but it is mostly me being self indulgent. I probably need a crack on the head more than sympathy ... we will see what the doctor says.

I'll post later this afternoon how it goes. I'll probably first have a big self pity cry over how F'ed up I am, but once the results are through ... I feel I will be able to move through this with a bit more acceptance and a bit less of self pity and obsession.

Love you all and thanks for your patience.

Ananda

more tests, more appointments.

I'm ok ... just glad I got it over with.